Jim, I hope the lyric isn't drawn from real life. If it is, you have my sincere best wishes for some better times ahead! I confess I found it a very depressing listen, sorry.
I've listened a few times so I'll venture some practical (I hope!) suggestions.
- The guitar that comes in halfway through and then exits and re-enters, is far too distorted for a slow ballad, I couldn't discern what it was doing, so I don't think it added anything really. I know you were trying to add some interest and it was exactly the right place to do this but strings would have been a lot better.
- Vocals: you have a tendancy to sing too close to the mic and to sing quietly as a result, as if your studio is in a room next to one with people you don't want to overhear! This makes delivery almost break down into talking, and it sounds very dreary, sorry. I'd like to hear your voice if you stood back, reset the recording levels and sang at a decent volume. I think untapped timbres might come into play then and it would sound a lot more committed and energetic.
- Lyrics: You need to do more 'show' and less 'tell', i.e. let the listener empathise with your thoughts and emotions by giving them some metaphors and similes to ponder on, rather than just the straight facts. Oh, the line "Only the dog seems to have forgotten you" is crammed in badly - sticks out as odd.
- Closing guitar solo: Good idea, but the notes must not be bluesy on a song like this, that doesn't work. The first five notes climb was great, and more in that vein would have been just the job.
- Drums: I think natural drums would be a better choice than electronic.
- Final chord cut off: On a song with a sentiment like this I would expect the last chord to ring on for at least a couple of bars. The end was too abrupt.

John

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