Hi David, Marty, Janice and Bud, BYO, Brno and Ray,

Thank you for your nice and also informative responses on the song. I am still on holidays and not always able to respond quickly. And with this post I was already halfway and then did something wrong and skipped it by mistake 😭

Originally Posted by dcuny
Hi, Hans.
Excellent work. Good write, well produced. The arrangement and vocals are very effective.

Purely my opinion, but I'd want to leave the listener with the final words "dirty white dress" in their ears, instead of worrying about a nice cadence. So I'd cut it around 3:40, or 3:48 as the most. The longer it goes until the final ending, the further away those words are from being the last thought.

There are a few places where the language isn't that of a native English speaker. For example:
   I walk through a destructed land,
   and a city torn apart.
   The dead and wounded are everywhere,
   no tree still stands in heart.

The word "destructed" is understandable, but wouldn't be used. A more typical word would be "destroyed" or "ravaged". Something like Rhymezone to check for synonyms.

On the other hand, there's something unique about using language slightly differently than expected. So it's your call - is it more important to speak in your own voice and perhaps call attention from the song to your words, or find something more "normal" that perhaps isn't as unique? Obviously, it's your call.

The line no tree still stands in heart is a bit confusing, because whatever the trees are no in the heart of isn't there in the sentence. Then again, maybe you intended to be ambiguous.

The lyric What kind of world I live in? should probably be What kind of world do I live in? It's understandable as-is, but again, calls attention to itself because of the non-standard construction.

Just some thoughts. I think the song works very well as-is.

Hi David, I think you’re right about the use of my English. I have tried to avoid mistakes in the lyrics and used ChatGpt for that. At first I wrote the lyrics in Dutch and let ChatGpt do the translation and rhyming. It came up with that line about the trees. I was hesitating using it, because it did not seem to be what I meant, but, as I said, I was hesitating. Maybe it was a proper English verb… Now I understand it can confuse people…
The word ‘devastated’ was my choice. It is another word than ‘destroyed’, but has the same meaning. Like in Dutch you have similar words for the same situation and this one sounded smoother. But you were right and now everyone knows I am no Englishman 😩

About the ending of the song; yes, I could have ended it right after the last spoken words, but it was my choice to let the last chords ‘underline’ the image of that girl in her dress and no shoes at her feet. A symbol of the suffering in so many warzones in the world…
Thanks for all your research and advice about the song, David!

Originally Posted by BabuMusic
Hi, Hans. You already know how much I love this beautifully sad song, so I'm here just to see how our forum friends love it too. You actually pull heavy feelings of concern from my chest with this one. Like Mario said, the big concern is for the kids --they don't understand what's going on. Also, how does the world they grow up in shape their expectations of what life is all about? I also like David's suggestion to leave the listener with the image of that dazed and frightened little girl in her dirty white dress.

Oh, and just for the record, let me reiterate... Dang, Hans, you know I always love your Lennon-like vocals, but this one grabs my soul. You are a master of dynamics in your music to keep the listener listening. But with this one the dynamics are in the lyrics --or more especially what they imply, how they make the listener think. Yeah, yeah, you included the best possible band and all that, but it's the message you send that makes the song special.

Hi Marty, thanks for these very kind words! Yes, I often send you songs that are in their early stages. I appreciate the time you take to listen to them, although those early versions were often a bit ‘edgy’. And I understand you join David in the suggested ending of the song, still I hope you also understand the reasons for my choice in this matter 😎

Originally Posted by Janice & Bud
Welcome back, John! 😉
Very tasteful band and the cello and fiddle were especially nice.
Your layered vocals are very effective in imagining the scenery of the narrative.
The powerful lyric and in particular the chorus stay with you.

Due to wars and Mother Nature’s wrath we started years ago supporting the charity, Save The Children.
We encourage everyone to check them out as they provide much needed help globally and are well reviewed.
Well done!
J&B

Hi J&B, thanks for your nice comment. And yes, I did my very best to return as a ‘John’, but to be honest, his vocals are never in my mind when I am writing or singing songs (but don’t tell anyone…). My wife and I have never noticed any similarity, but I am pleased you and Marty do!
When I was writing the song, I became a bit uneasy with the band I had. My wife and some friends who listened to those versions were very positive about it. I was the only one who wasn’t anymore. So I changed the whole band and added the cello and violin, and in the background some synth loops and some vocals. It fits more with the narrative, I think. And you noticed it, thanks.
Are you still supporting that charity? What a nice thing, but also depressing when you can see around you it’s needed now more than ever and in a lot more countries…

Originally Posted by BYOBand
Not an easy subject to put to music, but it brings to mind Queen & Bowie's Under Pressure. You did an awesome job. The strings were a great choice to bring the gravitas. I don't find it simple; I find it well-suited...eloquent. And sad.

Wow, you made some comparisons. Thank you for that! I’m flattered. And you’re right about the functionality of the strings…

Originally Posted by Brno
An important issue and well executed production.

Thanks a lot for your comment, Brno!

Originally Posted by rayc
A fabulous return to duty Hans. All ACE.
The use of "destructed" was interesting - I didn't know that the slang term had achieved dictionary status.

Hi Ray, there was a song called ‘eve of destruction’ and I thought I can do better than that. So now you may use this word as well in your lyrics. It sound smoother than ‘destroyed’, don’t you agree? And thanks about the ‘ACE’ award🤩

Well, I hope this long reply was still worth reading!
Thanks and till next time,
Hans

Hans Berkhout
(Birchwood)
https://soundcloud.com/user-296497130