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i have my dynavox (speech synthesis device) pre-loaded with clean, funny jokes and humorous quotes but i've worn them quite thin and need some fresh material. my restrictions are simple...they must be suitable for youngsters and senior citizens as well, jokes that won't offend anyone. a good joke doesn't have to hurt anyone. no prizes but my sincere appreciation, and i think it would be great fun. thanks in advance.
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A feisty little old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. One of the contemporary paintings caught her eye and she inquired of the tour guide, "What on earth is that?" He smiled condescendingly. "That, dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and child." "Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?" Don, go to this page and right click for the source code and you'll find about 90 jokes. Don S.
Last edited by Curmudgeon; 11/25/10 05:49 PM.
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other don, a bunch of good ones but i should have specified, short one-liners. my bad.
ADDENDUMB: or just a few sentences max.
Last edited by Don Gaynor; 11/25/10 07:59 PM.
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An old married couple were out in their car. The husband was driving as usual. "Remember when we used to sit close together while we drove?" the wife asked. "Well," said the old man, "I haven't moved."
"My primary musical instrument is the personal computer."
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You Know You're In Trouble When . . .
* Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
* Your suggestion box starts ticking.
* Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2,
and CBS is on line 3.
* You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and
have less than you've ever had.
T* he simple instructions enclosed aren't.
* People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
* The plumber floats by on your kitchen table
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Journeyman
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dont know any one liners just this shortened version of a long joke.
An inspector of asylums was visiting one day and came across a man working in the hospital garden building a beautiful stone wall.After a lengthy discussion the inspector was surprised that the man was an inmate and had been there 20 years.The inspector promised him that he would see to it that he would be released that day.As the inspector walked off he felt a blow at the back of his head and looked down at a large stone on the ground.With that the inmate who was building the wall shouted"you wont forget will you". ..Believe me this joke goes on much longer than this,Frankie
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Don-- (Don One, that is, the OP here)
Type "one liner jokes" into any good websearch engine.
There are plenty of sites out there.
--Mac
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mac, i just thought this would be more fun to share with me friends. if its too ot, just zap it.
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Hi Don,
Who's that all covered with spaghetti..
Oh that's the new pasta
Regards
Michee
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my fav is: My wife told an old Cherokee woman that she got a nice bottle of wine for me. The old woman said: "Good trade!"
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An Irish decorator was painting a house and the owner came home to find the man rushing about like a mad thing with his brushes. 'Why are you working so fast?' he asked. 'Well, you see, sorrrr, the paint's running low and I want to finish the job before it's all gone.'
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Clean jokes. Not possible. I'll have a crack at it.
Two canibals were eating a clown and one says to the other, does this taste funny to you.
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor .. 'What kind is it?'.."Twelve thirty.."
Last edited by edbulmer; 11/27/10 09:24 AM.
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Apprentice
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Don, I was walking down the street, this hooker came up to me and said: "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks!" I told her: "OK, paint my house!"
____________
Doctor to Patient: "I checked the results. You have two weeks left to live."
Patient: "Doctor, can I have the last two weeks in July?"
____________
Doctor to Patient: "I checked the results. You have two weeks left to live."
Patient: "Doctor, I think I need a second opinion!"
Doctor: "OK, I think you're ugly too!"
____________
My grandfather (or sub any name _____ ) is soo old now that when he goes to the diner and orders a 3 minute egg, they make him pay in advance!
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T, ed, and graham, that's great stuff! thank you. you folks are crackin' me up.
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"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." --Dick Cavett
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When I die I want to go in my sleep, like my unce did
.. not screaming like the other passengers in his car.
Make your sound your own!
.. I do not work here, but the benefits are still awesome
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good one, don. also, little boy to little girl; "am i the opposite sex or are you?"
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2 blonds were working together nailing siding on a house. 1st Blond: Why do you keep throwing every other nail away?" 2nd Blond: "Because the heads are on the wrong end." 1st Blond: "You dummy; Those nails are for the other side of the house."
Stan
Cornet Curmudgeon
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Quote:
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor .. 'What kind is it?'.."Twelve thirty.."
I'm not much of a sentimental person. The kind of guy who threw the cooked cat off the balcony while venting out the smoke from a fire kinda a macho idiot.
But now as the guy who has 2 brand new 2600 hearing aids (I got the mid line models), and still leans forwards, cups his hands and says sorry about 20 times a day...that just made me cry. I don't freaking know why. And more and more I realize that stuff I say sometimes is funny only to me.
They tell me that my total word comprehension isn't coming back. In fact the only time I found the hearing thing funny, I was a bit choked up in the Audioligists office and she had a pad of paper they use to show parents of deaf kids where certain parts of the alphabet fall on the scale. Way off the end of my hearing are o, f, k and in some cases c. I was shown this chart with pictures of planes and ducks and stuff, and she showed me that those letters, all around 6000 were basically gone, and it's not possible to really bring them back with amplification. I dabbed my eyes and in typical John fashion said "and I thought that guy kept saying u-o u-o
( _u_ _ o _ _) She said something about being able to joke when it wasn't really funny. A defense mechanism I guess.
John Conley
Musica est vita
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