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Hi, all: Well, I’m not sure I should post this one quite yet . . . but the reality is I don’t know what else to do with it, notwithstanding reservations. So I'm looking for input on what’s lacking and how I can make it pop more. As always, your feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks much! Deej Here’s the song:I'LL NEVER BE THE SAME Here are the lyrics:She was more than just a lover She was all I ever dreamed She made me feel like Elvis In a crowd of teenage screams But she wrapped me round her finger She played my precious heart That demon girl rocked my world Then tore it all apart She’s moving on She’s moving on And I don’t want to talk about the state I’m in About the man I oughta be, about the man I’ve been I don’t need your perspective on the worth of change ‘Cause she hit me like a hurricane And I’ll never be the same Well I found her down in Memphis In a bar on Vance and Main She was hunting the defenseless Some new boy she could tame I took her by the hand Whispered ‘Babe, I want you still’ She told me I should disappear I’m thinking that I will I’m getting gone I’m getting gone And I don’t want to talk about the state I’m in About the man I oughta be, about the man I’ve been I don’t need your perspective on the worth of change ‘Cause she left me in the pouring rain And I’ll never be the same Waiting all your life to find the perfect lover Basking in her light, then one day you discover She's slipping out of sight and messing with another And you ain’t got the strength to stop Her wicked world of pain Here’s the band:RealTracks 995: Bass, Electric, Hard Rock LA RealTracks 3733: Guitar, Electric, Rhythm GrungeRockArp RealTracks 2758 Guitar, Electric, Rhythm Rock Heavy 8ths Murray RealTracks 998: Guitar, Electric,Rhythm HardRock LA Crisp RealTracks 2586: Guitar, Soloist, PunkMurray RealDrums: Rock Hard Modern
Last edited by Deej56; 12/03/21 06:40 PM.
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I'm not really hearing anything missing in the song. When you hit the line "I’m getting gone" I figured it was the chorus, until (of course) you got to the chorus. You've got some strong writing here! I was a bit confused at the second verse with the lyric "Well I found her down in Memphis" because I wasn't sure if it was a flashback until the end of the verse. Something like "Well I tracked her down to Memphis" would clarify it. Not that it's a real problem. The line "Whispered ‘Babe, I want you still’" isn't quite as needy as perhaps "love" or "need". The end of the second verse seems a bit weak, with the line "I’m thinking that I will" is one of the few lines in the song that seems chosen more for the rhyme scheme than for the impact. I leads in nicely to the next line, but... I don't have a better solution. Trying to be clever and coming up with something that rhymes with "Silent Hill" is probably not helpful.  I've got mixed feelings about "That demon girl rocked my world". It's got a lovely inner rhyme going, and it sets up this lyric really nicely: "And you ain’t got the strength to stop
Her wicked world of pain"But that "world of pain" is knowing that you're about to be abandoned for another, so I'd expect something like this: "And find you're almost believing
The lies that she is sayin'."Anyway, back to the first verse: "That demon girl rocked my world
Then tore it all apart"I'm trying to figure out some way of keeping the ideas of the first verse going without being overly redundant. Perhaps: But I never saw it coming
When she tore that world apartThat's all I've got. I think it's a strong song. Other than suggesting some minor (and not really necessary) tweak, I've got nothing. Unless you weren't talking about the lyrics, in which case... I've got nothing at all. 
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David,
Actually, I was feeling pretty good about the lyrics until you "rocked my world then tore It all apart,", LOL!!! Kidding aside, all your comments are substantive and meaningful, and greatly appreciated. As it so happens, on "Babe I want you still," the original idea was to go with "I love you still". But I made the change to "want" only because I don't think the singer really loves her--more of an infatuation and obsession than love--hence the change. "Need" is an interesting option I didn't consider, and might be more in keeping with his mindset . . . but it doesn't sing as well. Food for thought regardless.
I went back and forth between "found," "followed," and "tracked" in that "found her down in Memphis" line. Ultimately went with what sounded better, notwithstanding best meaning.
Interesting your reaction to "I'm thinking that I will" . . . perhaps because "She told me I should disappear, I'm thinking that I will" was one of the earlier lines to the draft (as I was mumbling potential lyrics to my poor guitar strumming). To me, it signals a resignation on the part of the singer, which leads into the mini-bridge that follows and then chorus . . . or not, LOL! It was the intent anyway.
Really appreciate the thoughtful comments, David. Thanks much!!!
Deej
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Your songs are always such a treat, Deej. Love this. Man, Excellent lyrics. EX.: "She made me feel like Elvis In a crowd of teenage screams." Right away we all want to meet her. And just as quickly the dream is dashed. She's just another one of those. Excellent production and your voice... well, you know how I love it. Excellent use of BiaB.
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really liked the song hooky start.
liked the character vocals/vocal reinforcement.
liked the emotion in the vocs.
like the way the song builds on the outtro...superb fade.
v good song.
merry xmas.
om
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Excellent as is, but I immediately heard an edgier guitar in the beginning, something like The Black Keys' Lonely Boy. There are some new alt-rock guitars in the 2022 version of BIAB by Mike Durham that might work. Not mandatory, as I said, it's great as it is. That bridge is terrific, if I ever get stuck writing a bridge I know who to ask for help.
LOL,l Was fine with the lyrics and I am picky about words. However, I have heard so many commercial hits that didn't make sense to me, so that's the bar I work from.
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Marty, om, and Tunemonger:
Thanks for the listens and kind feedback. It's very much appreciated.
TuneMonger: Actually, "edgy" was what I was going for--and went in looking for something a bit angrier. I think I auditioned every electric guitar I could for this one, and this seemed to be the best combination. And while I'm happy enough with how it's come out so far, I still feel like it's lacking something on the production side to put it over the top--as you say, something "edgier". I'm just out of ideas for now, but maybe they'll come with a bit of time and space, and, of course, all the great BIAB feedback.
Stay safe, stay well all!
Deej
Last edited by Deej56; 12/04/21 07:19 AM.
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Deej, I wouldn't change a thing! Everything sounds great to me.
Loved it.
The more I get to know people the more I realize why Noah only allowed animals on the ark.
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Deej,
I like this - a lot! It has a great indie-pop-rock sound - both the write and the production.
I don't know that it needs to be any "edgier". But...
The drums could use a bit more "pop" - they are "somewhat tame" for the song.
I thought it could use more/bigger harmonies when they occur. They are mixed as "background" - edgy-indie-pop-rock song typically have more of a the-whole-band-singing-at-the-same-level kinds of harmonies.
You could add a guitar amp plugin of some kind (in your DAW) to modify the sound of the guitar track (for more "edge").
Something else to try... if you add 2 copies of an RT (like the rhythm guitar to the BIAB file it will play slightly different things in the 2nd copy/track. Pan those pretty hard. That might give you the edge you are looking for. (You could process one of those with guitar amp/effects for a slightly different sound).
A B3 track (with a little distortion) can give you a bit of edge, too...
But. I like it as is. Your vocals on this are Excellent. You've really upped your game in that area - pro-level recording/processing.
fj
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Good arrangement and catchy melody! Really liked the lyrics as well. Some parts made me think about one of my own songs, Evelyn.
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Hi deej, I'm with Mario: I wouldn't change a thing. I mean, one can always imagine something he would have done differently, but even if I do, I am convinced the authors had their reasons. If they're uncertain about what they're posting they can and will ask for suggestions, I think. As a non-native English speaker I wouldn't dare commenting on lyrics negatively anyway, but when I read these I simply liked them. Maybe I'm wrong, but I hear a lot of the sixties in that song. I always like your voice and the way you use it. So, even though things aren't especially going the right direction for the guy (you) the song is anything but depressing. It's more: Yep, that's the way it went then. Far too often. But what the heck, that was 50 years ago  I liked it a lot, and so did my feet. Take care, Stefan
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I'm trying very hard to imagine something to add...........I can't
I might try subtracting.
It's high energy from start to end, a brief break might give it some breathing room.
well done.
moto
Last edited by CaptainMoto; 12/05/21 06:19 AM.
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Everything about this is nice...real tracks fit the song perfectly...very clean and precise mix...your vocals are always great...enjoyed completely...I wouldn't add any more IMO...great listen.
www.soundclick.com/firesongBiaB 2024, Steinberg Cubase Pro 13, Wavelab 11.2, SpetraLayers Pro 10, Audacity, Steinberg UR44 Interface, Yamaha Genos, Roland FP60 and FP10, Windows 10 You are who you are because you do what you do because of what you believe.
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This is brilliant. I had to go look and see what tracks are in it.
Extremely well done. I love the lyrical flow and the glass shattering brittle guitars. It all works well.
I got a definite British Indy vibe from this.
You can find my music at: www.herbhartley.comAdd nothing that adds nothing to the music. You can make excuses or you can make progress but not both. The magic you are looking for is in the work you are avoiding.
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Hi Deej,
Yes I agree with the others - all sounds good to me - good vocals, song, chorus and outro.
The only suggestions I have are:
1. Some more and more substantial drum fills especially leading to the choruses and in the outro.
2. Remove some instrument tracks after the lead break/s to give it a touch more light and shade and then bring them back after say 4-8 bars.
I only make these suggestions because I like the song.
Well done.
Best Regards
Nigel
Last edited by NigelSpiers; 12/05/21 02:40 PM.
Nigel Spiers
Christchurch, New Zealand
info@nzacoustics.com
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Deej this is strong melody & lyric writing.
My only suggestion would be to audition a strong POWER POP style and, barring that, reconsider the solo guitars...the tone's a bit brittle.
COOL SONG ace vocal.
Cheers
rayc
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Hi Deej
This is once again an absolute TOP song
What should one say there still big
The song can be played anywhere on the radio and people will love it
Class made Deej
Many greetings
Andi ;-)
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Nice writing Deej.
There's nothing that needs changing here. Vocals,lyrics, band - all good.
Cheers,
Mike
Mike Garry BIAB 2022 (Build 927)/RealBand (5) (64bit), UltraPak, Kontakt, EZmix, Ozone 9 Elements, Hybrid 3, Audacity, Acer Predator, Windows 10, 64bit, 16GB ram, CPU: Intel i7. https://soundcloud.com/user-952388172
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Cool tune Deej. I got a bit of a Byrds vibe when the song started. Loved this song. Reminded me of the songs of the late 60's and early 70's. Well done..
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Listened to this several times over the past few days, never quite got time to comment.
N.B.: Versatility. You are so versatile and always come up with something different. A joy to hear.
Love the edge in this song. Superb backtrack choice, superb writing, great singing as usual. And the lyrics - bravo. Vocal harmonies, spot on, too ... you've really done the work on this one, haven't you? Superb result, howsoever you achieved it.
You have that extra something, and always translate it into your songs. Impressed, to say the least, once more - genuinely: well done.
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