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Songwriting
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Joined: Apr 2009
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OP
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I think I posted this several years ago but obviously it bares repeating because some of you have forgotten it.
So... you think you want to be a blues singer.... I mean who doesn't...right?
How to sing the blues…
by Lame Mango Washington (name changed to conceal the guilty)
(attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin)
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. " I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch? You stuck in a ditch. Ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty house
Bad places:
a. first-class restaurants
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're broke
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you're blind
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. the man in Memphis survived
c. you have a retirement plan or trust fund
d. you were once blind but now can see
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are muddy water and black coffee.
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit): name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) middle name: choose a fruit (lemon, etc) last name: choose a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.). For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't know.
You can find my music at: www.herbhartley.comAdd nothing that adds nothing to the music. You can make excuses or you can make progress but not both. The magic you are looking for is in the work you are avoiding.
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Songwriting
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Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 2,667
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Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 2,667 |
Somehow I want this to be pinned, but I'm pretty sure that would be inappropriate. Shame though 
Jazz relative beginner, starting at a much older age than was helpful.
AVL:MXE Linux; Windows 11
BIAB2026 Audiophile, a bunch of other software.
Kawai MP6, Ui24R, Focusrite Saffire Pro40 and Scarletts
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Songwriting
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 10,879
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OP
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 10,879 |
Somehow I want this to be pinned, but I'm pretty sure that would be inappropriate. Shame though You can always print it out, frame it, and hang it on your studio wall so you have it handy
You can find my music at: www.herbhartley.comAdd nothing that adds nothing to the music. You can make excuses or you can make progress but not both. The magic you are looking for is in the work you are avoiding.
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Songwriting
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Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,062
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Joined: Apr 2017
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This has been around long enough to be considered an Oldie but Goode. Pretty sure I first saw it in an AOL chat room before 1995.
Nice to be reminded now and then.
BIAB 2026 Audiophile Mac
24Core/60CoreGPU M2 MacStudioUltra/8TB/192GB Sequoia/Tahoe, M1 & M5 MBAir, 2012 MBP
Digital Performer11, Logic, Finale27/Dorico/Encore/SmartScore/Notion/Overture
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Songwriting
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 10,879
Veteran
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OP
Veteran
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 10,879 |
This has been around long enough to be considered an Oldie but Goode. Pretty sure I first saw it in an AOL chat room before 1995.
Nice to be reminded now and then. That's 12-A
You can find my music at: www.herbhartley.comAdd nothing that adds nothing to the music. You can make excuses or you can make progress but not both. The magic you are looking for is in the work you are avoiding.
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Songwriting
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Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,062
Veteran
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Veteran
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,062 |
This has been around long enough to be considered an Oldie but Goode. Pretty sure I first saw it in an AOL chat room before 1995.
Nice to be reminded now and then. That's 12-A Ha! Guilty as charged!
BIAB 2026 Audiophile Mac
24Core/60CoreGPU M2 MacStudioUltra/8TB/192GB Sequoia/Tahoe, M1 & M5 MBAir, 2012 MBP
Digital Performer11, Logic, Finale27/Dorico/Encore/SmartScore/Notion/Overture
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Songwriting
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Joined: Mar 2025
Posts: 1,187
Expert
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Expert
Joined: Mar 2025
Posts: 1,187 |
Herb, I read a version of this back in mid-00s, and that version had a few examples of how to optimise the blues by using one or more of the principles, including one that said that dogs can feature in the blues. I distinctly remember it said if you involved a blues friendly place, blindness, shooting and dog, you were on a winner. It then gave the example for a good blues opening line ... "I shot a blind dog down in Memphis". That stayed with me for years, and a few years back, I wrote a song with that exact opening line: Kinda funny I'm not sure if that song fits the blues criteria - maybe it's got something to do with my male pattern baldness! Andrew
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