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enjfb Offline OP
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Hi Everyone,
Here is a song I wrote and played on the CVP 509 digital piano.

http://www.box.net/shared/86rds45urb

The words are:

Stay with You

verse 1
I hunger for your love
As sure as stars above
I want to be with you
You give me your love today
You'll always be this way
You said you wanted me back
Our time apart a setback
Now I'm ready to return
I know my mind's okay
Dreaming the hours away

chorus
I want to come home
Want to stay with you
Stay all the time
I want to come home
Want to stay with you
Stay all the time

verse 2
I know our time has come
Nothing now to overcome
No clouds to hide our love
We'll dance each night away
Each tomorrow a lucky day
We will relax in the sun
Enjoy having so much fun
The sky a beautiful blue
We'll stay together this time
In harmony with perfect rhyme

chorus

solo

chorus

Hope you like it. Comments very much appreciated.

Thanks for listening

Jim

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Hi Jim,

This one sounded a little different from what I have come to anticipate from your treasure chest of musical creations. I like the direction that your production has taken. As I said once before, you sure are prolific at putting out songs. The chorus on this song appeals to me; it works. You sounded really comfortable singing it, too.

I notice that these lyrics are pretty much rhyming couplets pumping out three strong beats per line (from a poetic perspective, I interpret the meter as iambic trimeter). There's nothing wrong with that but it made me wonder if you have you tried varying line length throughout a song? For example, have a verse that mixes lines/phrases with (say) 3 strong beats and 4 strong beats, and possibly even 5 strong beats. Then in the chorus, have lines that are 2 strong beats. I have found that this simple tool can add a whole new power and emotion to lyrics. Here's a link to some thoughts that Pat Pattison has put together on the topic. He explains what I'm trying to say much more clearly.

http://www.patpattison.com/structureexpectations2/

Also, if you're interested, Pat Pattison has written a book especially about lyric movement. I have found it an invaluable asset in my library. I've read it four times and I've done every one of the exercises. I'm presently re-reading this book yet again. The book is called, "Songwriting: Essential Guide to Lyric Form and Structure". It's easily available through Amazon.com.

Overall, though, I've got to say that I admire your creativity, Jim

All the best,
Noel

Last edited by Noel96; 06/16/10 01:00 AM.

MY SONGS...
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Hi Jim, this is a winner in my book, two thumbs up! Great chord progression, backing tracks and outstanding vocals.

The only thing I found a little distracting was that midi distorted guitar lead part. I thought it was a little too harsh sounding for the song. I might replace that with something a little mellower say vibes or a jazz guitar with vibrato or a flute with vibrato; on many patches you can add vibrato via the mod wheel. Again this is just my opinion.

Great job on this one. It’s already in my keeper folder.


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l love the lyrics cause they're so apropos ...however a bit loud for me... and wondering if you have (if you don't already) a compressor-type of algorithm software for final mixes?? You've got lots of talent!!

I'd replace the lead with steel drums...in tribute to the BP Gulf Oil Spill and loss of environment/tourism for who knows how long!?

In fact, this song would be a "perfect lyrical subrosa backround for this evening's soccer-dodgeball speech" from the Oval office.

Last edited by GDaddy; 06/15/10 06:54 AM.
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enjfb Offline OP
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Hi Noel,
I agree with the comments you make about varying line length and thanks for mentioning the book. I did find the book on Amazon. Books on poetry writing techniques are also useful. I do sometimes write with varying length.

Thanks for your very kind comments Noel and I am pleased you enjoyed the song.

Jim

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Hi Mario,
I am very pleased you liked the song - good that you liked the chord progression - 13ths and 9ths important here as they influence the melody and not just colouration.

With respect to the guitar lead - I did try other instruments but did not like what I did for the solo bit. I think I feel okay with the guitar - most of the time anyway. Jazz guitar is a possibility.

Thanks again for listening and your very kind comments

Jim

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Hi GDaddy,
Thanks for your kind comments and pleased you liked it.

I do use izotope alloy for vocal although not too much. Also use ozone 4 for final mix but again not too much.

The BP Gulf Oil Spill is a disaster - both the science and the politics is getting confusing.

Thanks again for listening

Jim

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Hi Jim,

Great song, I especially liked the chorus. Very well done! I agree with MarioD on the lead guitar.

Cheers

Superbron

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Hi Superbron,
Thanks for you very kind comments and pleased you liked the song. I will think about the choice of lead guitar.

Best Regards
Jim

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