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I am preparing a song to post on the user showcase. All I need, basically is an adequate vocal.
I'll let BIAB do the harmonies, guitar, bass, drums, and piano, but ultimately I'll want real instruments.
I have to know what people think about this song before I can proceed because I have a problem. Maybe some of you BIAB forumeers, who are experienced in the industry, and reality, and discouragment, could help.
I have written some lyrics, (forget the instrumentation for now), that I just love. I have said exactly what I want to say. And I thought it was said in a way that the lady in question would appreciate.
Then, as I was considering hiring a professional vocalist to sing it, I was told by his LA producer that she thought it was a childrens song. I was so hurt, because it is most definately not meant for kids.
I understand this is not a lyric-writing forum, but I kinda like it here.
Would it be ok if I posted my lyrics before I post the completed song on the user-showcase, and you all tell me if it is childish?
Skyoma
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I don't see why not, but don't forget that all we can provide are personal opinions, not cosmic truth. If that's good enough, then post away!
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Well I, for one, am curious enough to want to see them. Be warned, though, the forum can be brutally honest - are you sure you're ready for this.
ROG.
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Skyoma, you can post whatever stage of song development you want. Lyrics are often changed after posting. That's the beauty of the feedback from the User Forum and the others. It's also the nature of the music business. You should never be surprised by unexpected reactions - in fact, expect the unexpected. Did you get further info as to why the lyrics in question were considered as a child's song? Usually a song is better posted as music and lyrics together for a better overall feel. Good luck working this out. Ian 
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Skyoma,
I would be happy to offer an unbiased opinion. I am not a lyricist by any stretch but I listen to the words of a song giving them as much weight as the melody, perhaps more. I look for "the story line." Even the most beautiful melody does not tell a story without the word picture that is told by the lyrics.
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Quote:
I have written some lyrics that I just love. I have said exactly what I want to say. And I thought it was said in a way that the lady in question would appreciate.
Then, as I was considering hiring a professional vocalist to sing it, I was told by his LA producer that she thought it was a childrens song. I was so hurt, because it is most definately not meant for kids.
bear in mind that you know the person to whom you were writing, but the producer doesn't. YOU are in a better position to know what would work for this specific person
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SOFTY
by: Skyoma
[V1]
Affectionate purrs, warm and adorable/
velvet skin, smooth and explorable/
You're all melty, dozy, privately cozy/
snuggling close, your tenderness sweetly imposing/
My goodness your cheeks are so awfully pinchy and rosy/
[V2]
You're a squeezy pillow, down of a feather/
steamy soup in Antarcticy weather/
tinkling ivories down my spine/
scherzo con brio now lento legato assai/
and those beautiful bonifide hopelessly starry eyes
[Chorus]
Softy/ Softy/
all pretty and pressed and bleachy clean/
cottony dress so peachy keen//
Softy/ Softy/ soft as a cloud, a little lamb sighs/
soft as a marshmallow, my oh my//
[V3]
An image remains in my brain/
that childlike gaze, and feminine grace/
But that innocent look in your eyes/
spurious people sway you with mumbles or sighs/
and I can't get my mind off you all through the daily grind//
[BRIDGE]
When (when) (when) we grew up and went to school/
there were certain things that we were taught.//
never cry a drop, tears you gotta block/
fight to be the strongest see cuz kindness is a crock//
But girl I wanna be like you/
I'd rather be a softie than a rock//
[Chorus]
[V4]
Weepy old willow can't witness pain/
kindness and mercy deeply ingrained/
and your bleary brown eyes all teary and glazed/
tummy is churning, trying so hard to be brave//
Is it poor starving children,/ the pets at the pound,/
P T S vets all alone in a crowd?//
[Chorus]
[Chorus]
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When the music plays with the words, I love it so.
Tempo 77-80 12/8 time except the bridge which is 4/4
Skyoma
Last edited by Skyoma; 05/22/12 03:17 PM.
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I'm gonna sing it and record it, right now. Heck with the LA pro. My voice is bad though, but I really want y'all to hear the music.
I'll post it today or tomorrow on the showcase.
Skyoma
Skyoma
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Skyoma, Another option is to join Just Plain Folks or 50/90 songwriting communities on-line. You'll find many more songwriters there as a percentage of forum participants - generally very supportive and honest. Here, there are a fairly large percentage of folks that are doing cover tunes. Nothing wrong with that, but the percentage of people with experience writing effective lyrics here is smaller than at those other communities. 50/90 forums aren't live right now. It's a yearly challenge to write 50 songs in 90 days. The forum will go live in probably 2 weeks. The JPF lyric writing forums are fairly active - you'll get real usable results there. http://www.jpfolks.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/ubb/postlist/Board/112/page/1I think that lyrics can be posted either with or without music. If you are intent on keeping the music as is, then post with the music. If you are flexible on the music, then post the lyrics by themselves. I've written perhaps 150 songs in my life, about 75 or so with lyrics and usually the lyrics come to me first. Out of those 75, I say there are about 15-20 for which I have received very positive feedback from people I respect; after several edits. Here's an example of a lyric I wrote after experiencing Los Angeles for the first time in many years. BTW, Mulholland refers to Mulholland Drive in LA. Hopefully the lyric stands by itself as a thought provoking chain of words. The link to the song is at the bottom after the lyrics. I wrote many of the lyrics on the plane ride back to my home state after being mesmerized by seeing the un-ending incoming flights into LAX, the mass of humanity that one can see from certain vantage points in LA, etc. View From Mulholland Copyright 2005 Scott Lake Verse 1 Above the City of Angels on this ribbon I ride. The Golden Web of Edison stretched out on every side. Looking sideways at the stars and jewelled threads hanging in the air. I pause to think what You must feel and if I can really care. Chorus: What do You see, different from what I see? What do You see in your view from Mulholland? Verse 2 I see a sea of humanity lost in their anonymity. What is it that keeps You interested in each one Like I believe You are in me? Repeat Chorus Bridge: Where I see lights, You know each life. I try to care but cannot dare to imagine the pain You must bear when You see each one, and what we've done. Repeat Chorus Verse 3. The granite palace behind me as a tribute to man-made beauty And below on Rodeo they're buying the latest thing that they don't really need..... just to carry more money. Repeat Chorus to end Link to what I call the song story: http://rockstarnot.rekkerd.org/vfmstory.htmland the song itself http://rockstarnot.rekkerd.org/songs/newer/View%20From%20Mulholland.MP3If you like the lyric writing, I have some experience and can give you my opinion for what it's worth. Send me a PM if you are interested. Generally speaking lyrics that grab me make a point that is common to man, but from an angle that is fresh and new. Examples from this song (in my opinion and from what I have heard as critique from others that like this song): "Looking sideways at the stars" In an airplane ride at night, when the plane banks and you are on the outside window of the turn, you look out the window and there are the stars, that for most folks living on flat places on the earth have to look up to see. Now that I live in Colorado, I get the exquisite pleasure of looking straight ahead at the stars all of the time. At the time I wrote this song, I lived in Michigan. "Jeweled threads hanging in the air" Refers to the chain of planes inbound to LAX at night with their landing lights on. To me, I imagined a thin thread connecting them all. "Golden Web of Edison" Here it is visually: http://www.bentmachine.com/photos/0303/DSCN0173.jpg
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Quote:
Well I, for one, am curious enough to want to see them. Be warned, though, the forum can be brutally honest - are you sure you're ready for this.
ROG.
interesting to hear this comment Rog. Not long ago there was a long thread about how the forum members tend to offer meaningless praise rather than helpful criticism. I think this group is very honest and very kind.
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Frankly, I can't identify the object of your affection. The target drifts out of the reticle. Is it intended to be a love ballad? Perhaps the melody is vital to the storyline. I can't quite grab it. Some syntax is very mature while other parts seem rather juvenile. Which is it?
I only promised an unbiased opinion. Sometimes the truth is brutally painful. Opinions are like anal apertures, everybody has one. Take mine with a grain of salt. As Pat said, they are only opinions.
All the best on the song's development.
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I see you posted when I did. Here are the points that sound somewhat Dr. Seuss-like: 'Antarticy' 'Squeezy' 'softy softy' 'pinchy' 'tummy' etc. In my opinion, there's far too much use of the letter 'y' as a rhyming trick and to convert verbs to adjectives. Here's a suggestion, see if you can turn each line around; put the end at the front, and find other rhymes. Some tools to go after that are available for free: 1. www.rhymezone.com2. McGill Rhyming Dictionary (actually go here first). This one is excellent because it includes lines from famous poets utilizing the words you are trying to rhyme. Might as well learn from Keats, Yeats, Blake, Shakespeare etc. while you are at it! -Scott
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on the other hand, if the person you have in mind uses such words (many women do), and if you are writing for her rather than for a general audience, the unique attachment of those words to the person who says them might provide an endearing touch
If you have a very specific audience, and you successfully play to that audience, it doesn't necessarily mean that the performance will be embraced by others. Decide who your audience is, and go for it.
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You're obviously very fond of your cat. And they love it when you talk to them like this, ...especially if you use that high squeaky baby voice. 
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Quote:
... I was so hurt, because i ... -- Skyoma
You need to banish those feelings from critiques of your artistic work. If you don't, I can't see how you will be able to grow as a writer. I think you have gotten some good feedback (except from bobcfp, who is just universally nasty these days) and I can see where that LA producer is coming from. You have to remember that someone like that has seen 100,000 songs and this might be only your 100th song that you have written. You have written 100 songs, right? If not, then join 50/90 and get on with it.
Kevin
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Skyoma, Since Kevin told you I was being nasty, I’ll explain my wording in the prior comment. While reading your lyrics, I felt like I was peeking into a little girls diary since the vast majority of it reminded me of something a little girl would write for her kitty cat. It then made me envision that little girl reciting the poem to her kitty in a high, squeaky, babified voice. When the “LA producer (said) that she thought it was a children’s song”, I can understand why. It doesn't sound like it was written by an adult or for an adult. As ROG said earlier: Quote:
Be warned, though, the forum can be brutally honest - are you sure you're ready for this?
The "critiques" are just my honest opinion. Kevin never likes anything I have to say, so his opinion of my comments doesn't mean anything to me. I just thought I'd clarify them for you, Skyoma.
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Quote:
I'm gonna sing it and record it, right now. Heck with the LA pro. My voice is bad though,...
check out the thread on Melodyne. Its on sale for the lowest price I have ever seen. Nobody has to be out of tune anymore.
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Personally, I think it's all going to be down to how you perform it. It could go either way. Quote:
and I can't get my mind off you all through the daily grind
You might want to re-think this line - it could be misinterpreted.
ROG.
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Skyoma.
Don't worry about bobcflatpicker. "Ordeal By Bob" is a sort of rite of passage here - if you survive it you come out stronger at the other side. If you can see past the bluntness, there's a lot of wisdom.
Every forum should have a Bob to cut through the cr-p!
ROG.
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