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I don't find anything funny any more. But feel free to post stuff here which I might (sigh) read. The other topic has far too many posts, but Don Gaynor wins hands down on the keeping a laugh track going.  
John Conley
Musica est vita
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Johan, there is no valid excuse for you not contributing, eh? Most of your real life observations would fit in perfectly and I could use help if we ever hope to hit 99,999 views. Its the wee Oyrish divlment in meself!
A hint: Click on the far right column then read backward rather than scroll through 50+ pages.
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A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doctor, I feel like a $10 note."
The doctor said, "Go shopping. The change will do you good."
==========================================================================================
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane!"
=======================================================================================
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off.
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
"I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the dark!" says Murphy.
=========================================================================================
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said that in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
=========================================================================================
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
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Man: Sees a magician performing an illusion and asks, "how's it done?"
Magician: "If I tell you I have to kill you "
Man: "Then tell my wife"
(rim shot)
any other "material" I know would get me banned.
Win10Pro,i9,64GB,2TBSSD+20TBHDDs,1080TI,BIAB'24,Scarlett18i8,Montage7,Fusion 8HD,QS8,Integra7,XV5080,QSR,SC-8850,SPLAT,FL21&others,Komp.14,IK suite&others, just a guitar player-AXE FX III &FM9T, FishmanTP, MIDIGuitar2, GK2/3'sw/GI20
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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
Chris
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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "How do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised?"
Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "a normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"
Chris
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A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Interested he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies, "Uh - yes here it is...
OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to go to Oxford."
"Oh why, is that where the job's based?"
"No - that's where the end of the queue is".
Chris
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With all the new technology regarding fertility, recently, a 65-year-old
woman was able to give birth.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home....her relatives
came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother.
"I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked,
"May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the
baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked,
"Well, when can we see the baby?!?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded.
"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"
"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!"
Chris
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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his
priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put €50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to
leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the €50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
Chris
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.
But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father.
Do ya 'think €5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Chris
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Esmerelda arrives home from shopping and the Hunchback of Notre Dame says, "why have you bought a wok, you know I hate chinese food."
Esmerelda says, "It's not for cooking, it's to iron your shirts on."
Chris
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The American farmer was bragging to the English farmer.
"I can get in my truck and drive all day and still not get ALL round my ranch".
"Yes," says the English farmer, "I had a truck like that once."
Chris
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Paddy was working on the construction of a tall building with an Englishman and an Italian. The Englishman says "if I have got roast beef in my sandwiches again I am going to throw myself off this building". Sure as nuts he has roast beef and flings himself off the building to his death. The Italian says "if I have got spaghetti in my sandwiches again I a going to throw myself off this building". He does indeed have spaghetti and also flings himself off the building to his death". Paddy says "if I have got potatoes in my sandwiches I am going to throw myself off this building". This duly happens and he flings himself to his death.
At the funeral the wives are commiserating. The Englishman' s wife says to the others "you know all Malcolm had to do was tell me he was sick of roast beef in his sandwiches". "Yes" says the Italian "Fabrizzio should have told me he was tired of spaghetti". "Well" says Mrs paddy "I also don't understand it. Paddy made his own sandwiches"
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Todd's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked,
"Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"
Looking her over carefully, Todd replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"OH you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Todd interupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
....As Danny C. would say...."and that's when the fight started"....
Rusty
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Nice to see you're still posting John. We'll coax a chuckle from you yet.....
-----------------------
7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they
tested positive for WD40
------------------------
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years
Riots....Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon.:/
-------------------
*** EDITED. PLEASE KEEP JOKES APPROPRIATE. ***
Last edited by Kent - PG Music; 01/26/13 04:58 PM.
Chris
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.
Shenananigans on Sinbad.
Your racial, cultural and religious slurs have gone beyond the bounds of acceptable humour. Please stop.
(I am a member of this forum. I do not represent the PG Music company in any way)
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Chris
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Somewhere, someone is always offended. I just don't get the irish jokes. That's real, not funny.  The study of humour eludes the humourless. My 4 yr. old grandson asked me the other day, "Papa, I don't understand why jokes are funny but I always laugh!"
John Conley
Musica est vita
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A farmer milking his cow noticed a fly go in the cow's ear.
A little while later, the farmer noticed the fly in the milk.
Humph! says the farmer, "In one ear and out the udder."
John Conley
Musica est vita
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Ask sales and support questions about Band-in-a-Box using natural language.
ChatPG's knowledge base includes the full Band-in-a-Box User Manual and sales information from the website.
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