First of all, a Forum suggestion
I’m not sure if it is ‘official policy’ on this board, but it may make things easier to feature just one track on each thread.

That way, we all know that comments there refer to the same single piece.

That said Baz, my comments below refer to Please Don’t Cry.

This is an engaging lyric, expressed in the present and 1st person which makes it all seem very live and conversational.

Also you have understood the need for contrast, with the drum + voice section.

However, this is an unequal vocal performance. Some parts are good (had me thinking of Lloyd Cole) but too much of this is uncertain.

For example– against the drum only backdrop (02:07) you’re going up to the 2nd note of the scale in the first lines of the verse “We’re in the rain..”

But in other places you seem to be aiming for the maj 3rd.

Some of the phrasing also requires a bit more thought.

For example, you can avoid the rush in the second phrase of the line: “To beat the odds and stand the test of time”
by kicking in with the “and’ immediately after ‘odds’, allowing the next accent to fall naturally on ‘test’.

The line “then to see” I really can’t get where this is going harmonically. It doesn’t ‘fit’ and yet it’s not setting out some deliberate dissonance. Maybe its just me…

Unless you have an absolute killer chord sequence (say Shocking Blue’s Venus) its not usually enough in an interlude to simply run through the chords.

When the piano and slightly OD guitar + organ come in I am left thinking its not more instruments we need, but something more valuable (hooks, fills..) for them to do.

The vocals are really quite undisciplined for a while after the drum interlude. I get the impression that with a few more vocal takes and some judicious selection of the final version used you could make some significant improvements here Baz.

Finally in the ‘Please don’t cry’ lines at the end either the chords need to be amended or the melody does.

There is the potential for a good song here, the areas for you to concentrate on being:
- addition of hooks and fills
- correction of some lines of the melody
- greater accuracy in the vox

Hope this helps Baz.

Marc

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