Paul,

I use two criteria when judging songs I hear on forums like this.

If you're writing this song for just friends and family or people on the Internet then this song is great the way it is.
However if you hope to go further with this song like radio then sorry man but I pretty much agree with what Josie said.
I would also add that the second verse seems allot like the first verse and doesn't really cover any new ground.
And again, the drums for me just seem too busy for this type of song.
Ya know It's harder then ever to get a song picked up by an artist these days.
The first thing they look for is originality in the lyrics.
Writing from the heart is great, but you also need to look at your work objectively.
Good luck with it.

Tim