PG Music Home Forums General Discussion Off-Topic The words are paramount

Sorry, no. Go and stand in the corner with a conical hat on your head for half an hour. Then come back and listen to what I have to say.

Here's something brutally honest because it hurts me to see someone make a complete prat of themselves - I am first and foremost a lyricist and a singer songwriter who starts with the lyrics and then builds the music to suit or occasionally creates something out of thin air that is purely instrumental. I can't help it. Its natural for me. I don't know about you but it is for me. It has taken me years of hard work and research to craft my skill in this area and I have even given lectures on writing lyrics. Ok, my first name is Simon but my last is not Cowell! That stated clearly up front, I hope you will take what I have to say like a man.

I have to agree here with both Bob and Eddie, I'm afraid. The language is too Saxon - all those rhimey whimey winey blimey words. Words ending in that last damned consonant are always far too childish, immature and naive to my mind. Avoid them like the plague unless nothing else will fit. This song is to an adult? Are YOU an adult? Actually, I don't think it is written to a cat, too many clues that make it clear that the subject is at least human or that you think is a human. One positive thing is that it does remind me of a song I haven't heard in a looooong time - 'Oh Claire' by Gilbert O'Sullivan. But that is a very clever song with one hell of a twist at the end! This has no twist, no surprises and no purpose. No story here. I can imagine a child singing it to her cat but, as I have said, it is clearly to a human or something that is thought to be human. Maybe it is a five year old girl's song to her imaginary friend or her doll? I certainly hope you do not intend to try and make money out of this and if it is for one specific lady and you like it, you sing it. I can see absolutely why this singer in LA turned it down flat, with a clever suggestion that it is a children's song, it would do his street cred no good whatsoever for anybody to ever hear him sing that.

A song is not just a few simple words that rhyme (at least 99% of the time it is not). You also need to consider rhythm. I feel no rhythm here. How long did it take you to write? Did you just write it as you were starting this thread, with no prior thought at all? No. Obviously not because you state that you tried to get some LA session vocalist to consider it. That is the only way I believe (I certainly don't know) that you didn't just make it up on the spot and hit the <Submit> button.

Who cares if you don't have a good voice? Tons of 'singers' in the charts who can't sing for toffee (Tom Waits, Lou Reed, Nick Cave, Lee Marvin, Rex Harrison - the list goes on and that is just the pop market, I haven't even started on the blues singers) but your voice singing your song specifically for and to this lady (I have to assume it is a lady because I can't imagine any man liking to hear all that nonsense and most women I know would only humour me if I were to write with that kind of language - its archaic) would have far more impact. In fact, it might actually help the song a bit. Frankly, it is cringe-making enough as it is. Add a poor voice and you might at least encourage a bit of sympathy.

There is excellent advice in this thread. I particularly endorse the suggestion that you look at the works of the famous bards and poets - Shakespeare, Keats, Shelley, Milton et al. Then take a look at songs by prolific songwriters, Willie Nelson and Bob Dylan in particular (actually neither of them are very good singers either but their styles of music are perfect for their voices).

As to tools to help, I strongly recommend you get yourself a copy of MasterWriter (see www.masterwriter.com), the most useful tool for songwriters since the invention of the computer. I swear by it and it never lets me down. Read a few good books on songwriting, starting with the Dummies guide and moving on to a couple of others of your own choice. There are hundreds of them out there. Then, and only then, start with a fresh new page, take the key facts that are the most essential out of what you have already written and bung them in. Create a synopsis for yourself. Then build a story out of it. Decide what you want to say. Remember the 7 good men and true. Who are they? Why, What, Where and When, How and Which and Who. That's who.

That said, there are some nonsense songs out there with gibberish lyrics. Even the Beatles had some rediculous songs that were probably originally just made up on the spot to fill a temporary gap but then went on to become hits in their own right (Octopus's Garden, Penny Lane, Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds, etc).

If you cannot divorce the lyrics from the music, your inner voice is telling you the song can't stand alone. Bad. Trust yourself. You know that. A good melody can help a song to shine but a song must be able to stand on its own without any music at all for it to be any good. It is no accident that Dylan is considered a Beat poet. There are even whole bachelor's degree courses at university purely on the works of Dylan.

I did say I would be brutally honest. I do hope you take it in the spirit with which it was meant and not be offended. Good luck. It is a long and winding road but it is worth it in the end and the fact that you want to do it and are determined to do it is actually all the talent you need. I think you already have that. Get on with it and report back SOON!

You are always welcome to send me a PM and I will take a look at what you have written and give you constructive feedback, should you choose to accept the challenge.

Above all, have fun!