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Hi! I haven't posted any music here yet, but I've written and composed a bunch of songs that are more or less finished. Anyway, although I consider myself pretty good at English it's not my native tongue so I'd appreciate if any of you native speakers could help me out with some lines. I know it's not uncommon for lyrics to be grammatically incorrect, but I don't want to have any lines that sound completely strange for native speakers.
Song 1:
I’m looking at the ticket
taking me away
But every time I look
it says another day
Question: Does line 2 work? What I really want to say is "that will take me away", but that's too many syllables to fit in nicely.
Song 2:
One day she never came
Nobody gave a thought
but later we would know
the thing we won’t forget
Question: Does line 2 work, even though it ordinarily is supposed to be followed by "to..." or "about..."?
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Q1: Possibly a conjunction such as "that'll" for "that will". It's not very fluid but it is acceptable English.
Q2: In 4/4 time, find the 1 and 3 beats and emphasize 1 (the downbeat) mostly, and 3 slightly less. In perfect rhyme line 4 should rhyme with line 2. Perhaps changing "forget" to "forgot" by alternate wording would fit better.
Knowing your storyline and exactly what you are hoping to communicate and at what level of emotional intensity would be very helpful to us.
Does your song have a title yet? That can have a big impact also.
In line 2, "nobody" is three syllables while "no one" (meaning the same) is two syllables and may fit better.
Whoa, I'm sounding like a songwriting student of Professor Pat Pattison.
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Thank you for your reply Don Gaynor aka songwriting student of Professor Pat Pattison ;-)
Song 1 is about a guy stuck in a bad relationship that he just can't let go of. Unfortunately "that'll" will sound too strange in that line. Is "taking me away" wrong? I think it sounds the best of the lines I've tried. If not, maybe "to take me away" would be better?
Song 2 is about a girl who feels lonely, but no one knows or understands. This song isn't quite as finished yet, but it implies that something bad happened to her, possibly suicide. Here you think it's alright that "thought" isn't followed by "to..." or "about..."?
I understand that the more info I give, the easier it gets for you, but I'd prefer not to post entire lyrics, when I most likely won't record any of these songs for months. Also, how I sing, the speed and the melody will impact the songs.
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>
I’m looking at the ticket
taking me away
But every time I look
it says another day
I am English teacher (among other things) and I would say that you are OK with this use of the -ing ending.
The word "taking," strictly speaking, should not be in the present continuous tense, since it is not literally true. BUT, we are talking poetry here. This little adjustment is necessary to maintain meter. That is enough to make it OK. But what is more, you have established present continuous tense in the first line, so using that tense in the second line is consistent. To NOT use it might be inconsistent to a degree that renders you expression less immediate.
You are stating the situation in the NOW. To do it any other way could lessen your connection with the listener.
I like this meter better, but that's just me:
I’m looking at the ticket that is
taking me away
But every time I look at it
it says 'Some Other Day.'
.
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Thank you flatfoot! I'm glad you cleared that out for me.
I will try your version also. The thing is though, that it's a pretty slow song and I'm new to singing, so having to breathe after every second line instead of after every single one could turn out to be difficult and have a negative impact.
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Uh-oh...I just realized that the meter of the last 4 lines I posted matches the theme song from "Giligans Island"...
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The 'thought' and 'forget' is what Pat Pattison refers to as a consonant rhyme, the least 'rhym-ey' of words that are considered rhymes. The ending consonants match, and that's about it.
How about this for the last line:
"The thing that we forgot"
Then you have what Pat calls a 'perfect rhyme', where both the vowel sound and the ending consonant sound are identical.
I see where it could jack up the whole storyline of your song making that change.
It doesn't have to rhyme perfectly. Pat talks about this in his class, that making perfect rhymes sometimes makes the song sections stagnant, without any tension to move the listener forward. His terminology as it pertains to this tension/relief is unstable/stable.
As for the first part of the verse, I read no issues there from a timing standpoint. You can easily line up syllables onto the 1 and 3 of a measure with words/syllables that should be stressed. Pat addresses this in that nouns and verbs are what typically line up on stressed beats, and other parts of speech normally shouldn't - for stable feeling.
he uses these symbols for unstressed '-' and stressed '/' syllables.
In your verse, the syllable pattern is as follows (you may need to cut/paste this to a word processor and set up a non-proportional spaced font to see it correctly):
- / - - - / -
I’m looking at the ticket
/ - - - /
taking me away
- / - / - /
But ev'ry time I look
- / - - - /
it says another day
You can put the stressed syllables on 1 and 3 easily, with the 2nd line having an extra stressed syllable in there.
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Alexander,
Whatever you write needs to come from you if you want the song to have any real meaning.
Stop worrying about what other people think about it.
Don't ask for advice. Just write what you think and feel.
Most of what's wrong with songwriting today is that people are trying to follow a formula and write what people want to hear. Screw what people want to hear.
It's your song.
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.
The first verse works for me and the second doesn't.
Who is 'we?'
what is "the thing?"
If you make these questions clear later on, good. If you leave them as they are, you have lost me.
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This is one way I might do it. Quote:
I’m looking at the ticket
taking me away
But every time I look
it says another day
Question: Does line 2 work? What I really want to say is "that will take me away", but that's too many syllables to fit in nicely.
I'm looking at the ticket
That will carry me away
But every time I look it seems
To say another day
Quote:
One day she never came
Nobody gave a thought
but later we would know
the thing we won’t forget
Question: Does line 2 work, even though it ordinarily is supposed to be followed by "to..." or "about..."?
One day we didn't see her
We wondered what it meant
But later in the day we'd know
The thing we won't forget
You need to balance the "pulses" (accents, punches....) in the "mirror" lines. 1 and 3, 2 and 4.... so there is a symmetrical flow to it. Remember that some of these will be "contracted" to where more than one syllable will go on a beat, but again, flow and symmetry.
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Thank you everyone! I will read through all comments carefully.
However, I think some of you missed the point. Even though I care about rhyme and syllables, the main thing I was concerned about was the language of some lines since I'm not a native speaker of English. If I have a really good line that barely rhymes and a mediocre one that rhymes perfectly I'll probably choose the first. Also, since I sing rather slow in these songs a few extra syllables here and there would really alter the way I'm singing and sound strange in contrast to the other verses.
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Quote:
Alexander,
Whatever you write needs to come from you if you want the song to have any real meaning.
Stop worrying about what other people think about it.
Don't ask for advice. Just write what you think and feel.
Most of what's wrong with songwriting today is that people are trying to follow a formula and write what people want to hear. Screw what people want to hear.
It's your song.
+1!
I would also add that one should always consider the source when judging the value of advice. 
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Alexander,
I am just curious, have you ever specified your "native" language?
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