I love the music. To me, the melody line was a different meter than the music. You could say,

I was sitting (down beat) or rest
on the train. . .
Watching the r..a..i..n.. . fall. . .

bam, bam,.. at the e..n..d.. of the d..a..y....

It's hard to write, but the (. . .) is like holding the word out longer, kind of.

Or,
I (!/8 note)
was (1/8 note)
sitting (1/4, 1/4 notes)

I think the phrasing could fit that music, it is good.

Gene