Thanks so much for the thoughtful comments.

Yes - I'm not quite comfortable with it but wary about changing the words as they're not mine. But will try some minor changes incorporating some ideas you have given me.
However - No rules - only tools.

Rockstar-not
I have an idea for a 2 line refrain. Thanks for reinforcing this idea as against a full chorus.

GuitarHacker
Yes you give me a lot to think about. The chord variation in the verses was an attempt make them less predictable but now I think identical verse shapes with some contrast in the refrain is the way to go. Will try a rewrite changing as little as possible.

Maybe next week.

https://soundcloud.com/tuigorge