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In my opinion your words need a lot more than proofreading. Your English is correct, and yet not what we call "idiomatic." You have put words together in a way that may be correct according to the Berlitz textbook, and yet they do not reflect the way that native English speakers really talk.

For example, "Cos I don’t wanna be that girl, with whom you only play..." Your use of the phrase "with whom" is technically correct, but it sounds odd because this phrase is not used anymore in regular speech - certainly not in the kind of speech that boyfriends and girlfriends use with each other.

More generally, these lyrics are too complex and detailed to be catchy. Decide on a single theme, express it cleverly and briefly. Then stick to it. The whole part of the story about going on vacation can be left out, for instance.

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Flatfoot sez: Call me when 'Talent-in-a-Box' is ready to ship! -- [8{>

Got some tunes on You Tube:
http://www.youtube.com/user/flatfoot50
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My BiaB lesson site:
http://jdwolfe0.wixsite.com/learnbiab