This is solely my opinion and therefore you should read this with that knowledge. I'm offering advice, as I see it.... I do not intend to insult or blow smoke and I call it like I see it...

If this is for a song..... there's lots of work to do.... if it's not for a song it's probably OK.

For a song.... it's too long...condense it down to 4 lines or so per verse especially since the lines are all two part lines.

there should always be a chorus (99% of the time) that is different and gets repeated. Different melody and energy level, and perhaps even a new chord prog.

Don't use cliche's and please speak in normal everyday English. Leave the stuff out that no one knows (inside jokes and information) and use words in the same way you normally speak.

Example: When you will be home I’m sure, I’m very far away (WHAT?)
Cos I don’t wanna be that girl, with whom you only play

Confusing first line... and the second part is not how people normally would talk.

In the 3rd stanza, you repeat things already said. In a song, except for the chorus, it's not a good idea to repeat ideas or words that came earlier in the song. You mentioned you're going on vacation 2 x.....

Use the method for writing a theme paper you learned in school.... outline the idea by writing the outline on a sheet of paper.

Verse 1 introduce the issue, character, problem.
Verse 2 explain it a bit in detail and why, how, when....
Chorus connect the dots for the listener...
Verse 3 the aftermath Chorus now can shed a new insight due to V3....
A bridge would take it in a different direction totally lyrically and musically and is the prefect place to put a twist on the story or introduce a new character or concept. Use a bridge only if it is necessary.

Just an example for you.... ^^^^^^

Don't repeat,(did I say that already?) but do condense it down to the essence so the story can be told and understood by any listener on the first time through.

Try to think of the song and story as a 3 minute video score.

My take: Who is this person? are they a friend or more than a friend, sounds like they may be but not really sure (lover?) .... they left and didn't come back.... do they live there or not? Sounds like a love affair break up but not really sure.... and with all this you're still going on vacation and expect them to take care of your flowers and pay the bills?

Lots of questions and issues to resolve here.

However, don't take this as a slam.... it's certainly not. DO have a look at this and if the goal is to write a song, read the advice of others and what I said and use this as a draft ... so to speak.... something to build upon. The secret to a good song or a good poem or a good book is in the work done in the rewriting stage.... not the first draft. Not many of the songs I write are first draft done style songs. Most of them are 6th to 8th generation rewrites before they are released for people to hear. The final song generally doesn't even resemble the original draft of the lyrics in many cases. I have even changed titles half way through a writing session.... Perhaps ask someone here (via PM) if they would be willing to help you write this.... many of the songs I consider to be my better writes involve another writer.... so co-write....

Just an idea for a rewrite........ don't be such a patsy pushover asking why....

OK so you left? GOOD...and good riddance to you... don't come crawling back to me cause the door isn't open and the locks will be changed.... write a strong song.... hell yeah, don't let that screen door hit you in the a$$.... kick it up a notch.... I didn't need your lazy no good two timing lying ways around here anyway....

See what I mean?


This is only my opinion.... and you know what they say about those....

Now go write it again and make it better.

You can find my music at:
www.herbhartley.com
Add nothing that adds nothing to the music.
You can make excuses or you can make progress but not both.

The magic you are looking for is in the work you are avoiding.