This is a cool tune. Have you considered making this a duet? I think this would be in a whole different category if it was constructed as a duet.


I like what you've done with this. I listened to the first version as well and like your voice...... consider a duet. All you have to do is drop your vocal into the version 2 mix in places.... take a verse, harmonize the chorus....

I also have a few nits that kinda caught my attention.

One is evident to me in the first line. The lyrics and their phrasing don't fit smoothly into the melody so your singer has to rush to get all the words to fit. In cases like that, I set back, and examine both the melody and the lyrics, changing one, the other, or both to make it fit properly and flow smoothly. Of course if you change the melody and phrasing, you must do it on all the verses the same way. So that might entail re-writing those lines as needed. (yeah, more work)

Another thing that caught my ear was the slight case of "Yoda" speak..... (wink) .... "So my tears I try to hide".... my wife, a teacher, could tell you the grammar things about this, (predicate before the adverb after the conjunction before the passive noun kind of things) .... I will simply say, not too many folks speak this way today..... More naturally, we would say, "So I try to hide my tears"...and of course that puts you in the position of having to go back to the matching rhyme line and make that one fit the rhyme... or change the lyrics in both lines. most folks who use these sorts of "backwards grammar lines" in their songs do so because of the rhyme. It's more better good to work harder and rewrite the line to make the grammar correct and search to find a line that fits and rhymes within that parameter.

Charlie, trust me when I tell you that I encounter both of these things I have pointed out here on a regular basis when I am writing songs. In fact, in almost every song I write or co-write, this issue occurs. How well you handle it and resolve it determines how nicely, and naturally the song comes together.

Don't misunderstand me here..... this isn't a slam, it's simply encouraging you to have a look a bit deeper into the details of writing a good song lyric and melody.

You can find my music at:
www.herbhartley.com
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