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Hello all I have decided to participate in FAWM this year. I want to release an album of original songs sometime towards the middle of the year and I reckon this may be a good chance to get at least some of the songs written for that album. In order to try and not clog up the forum with all these songs I will put all the demos in this thread. Some of them may be a bit raw due to time constraints! Any candid feedback on the songwriting or production would be most appreciated as the good ones will most certainly be rerecorded and reproduced in the middle of the year. Edited to add: All the tracks can be found here ALL MY FAWM TRACKS
Last edited by JosieC; 02/03/16 02:45 AM.
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Song number 1
Little Suzie Johnson (Co-write with Rachael Scherf) LITTLE SUZIE JOHNSON Little Suzie Johnson wouldn't hurt a fly when the bullies hurt her she would never cry At lunch they'd throw their food at her She slowly ate her roll At break they'd try to trip her She'd crawl up in her hole Little Suzie Johnson Come and stand by every door Look beyond the cold and grey find the dance you're looking for Little Suzie Johnson dreamt of life elsewhere looked out of the window at the coming fair she'd run away with them you see From this small grey town She'd paint her face all white and red make herself a clown Little Suzie Johnson Come and stand by every door Look beyond the cold and grey find the dance you're looking for Little Suzie Johnson They're laughing at your tricks You've finally found where you belong In this strange eclectic mix You left the bullies far behind with their small town lives they'll marry young and then one day start bulling their wives Little Suzie Johnson Come and stand by every door Look beyond the cold and grey find the dance you're looking for Realtracks RealTracks in style: ~1394:Bass, Acoustic, Jazz Sw 110 (Very Simple) RealTracks in style: ~2192:Piano, Acoustic, Rhythm EZListening Sw 085 RealTracks in style: ~1984:Guitar, Acoustic, Rhythm EZListening Sw 085 RealTracks in style: 2456:Cello, Background PopSwing Sw 110 (1TrackStringQuartet) RealDrums in style: JazzBrushes#1: a: JazzBrushes#1b: JazzBrushes#1 RealDrums-TambourinePopSw
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Well first, congratulations on tackling fawm 2016. You're certainly capable and it will be fun to tag along on your journey.
Nice first song. My musings about it are mostly observational and the tiniest of nits.
I liked the music and choice of instruments.
Lyrically, I liked that you changed the lyric of "small grey town" to "small dark town" when you sang it. I'd keep that change.
I'll note that the lyrics "At break they'd try to trip her She'd crawl up in her hole" is the only line in the song where Suzy breaks, retreats or shows a chink in her armor. I'm unsure if it's intentional, but the line stood out to me. It came across as a line written to match rhyming.
This is going to be a fun project for you and I'm looking forward to hearing the fruits of your labors.
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Hi Joanne, This certainly is a beautiful song and you sing it very well! One (tiny, tinyn, tiny) nit as far as we're concerned: The music doesn't completely agree with the dramatic words of the first verse. Then the music is too cheerful for such a sad story.  When she starts dreaming of life elsewhere music and lyrics fit very well. But we certainly think this is a very good contribution to FAWM. Lots of success!  Rob and Anne-Marie
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Lyrically, I liked that you changed the lyric of "small grey town" to "small dark town" when you sang it. I'd keep that change.
I'll note that the lyrics "At break they'd try to trip her She'd crawl up in her hole" is the only line in the song where Suzy breaks, retreats or shows a chink in her armor. I'm unsure if it's intentional, but the line stood out to me. It came across as a line written to match rhyming.
This is why I LOVE this forum. Thank you Charlie. I would never have noticed that about that line. And yes, I think you are right it was written to rhyme. Will rethink that one. The music doesn't completely agree with the dramatic words of the first verse. Then the music is too cheerful for such a sad story. When she starts dreaming of life elsewhere music and lyrics fit very well. Thanks so much Rob and Anne-Marie. (Did I say how much I love this forum). I will rethink the backing for the first verse. Thank you. Maybe just a solitary cello.
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Joanne - you are off to a good start. This will be fun to follow along.
There is a lot of good stuff in this one.
I would suggest that you cut your bridge to just the first 4 lines of it.
"Little Suzie Johnson
They're laughing at your tricks
You've finally found where you belong
In this strange eclectic mix "
...that puts Suzie where she fought to be - in a good place - and is the "moral of your story". The next 4 lines, bring the focus back to the bullies... they don't deserve the attention... the first 4 lines say everything the bridge needs to say...
Looking forward to the next one.
floyd
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I would suggest that you cut your bridge to just the first 4 lines of it.
"Little Suzie Johnson
They're laughing at your tricks
You've finally found where you belong
In this strange eclectic mix "
...that puts Suzie where she fought to be - in a good place - and is the "moral of your story". The next 4 lines, bring the focus back to the bullies... they don't deserve the attention... the first 4 lines say everything the bridge needs to say...
Wonderful thank you Floyd. Will definitely do that!
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Song Number 2
Be Brave BE BRAVE I have just come back from a week visiting my mum in Zimbabwe for her 81st birthday. I managed to write and record three songs while I was there so got a good start for FAWM. So this is song number 2. I often think about those tiny little tots who walk to school. Miles and miles they traipse through all sorts of weather. So this is the conversation I imagine between a parent and his 6 year old son before he sets off on this mammoth walk in the morning. Its time to rise on this september morning it is 6 am the day is nearly dawning The sun is poised The cockeral crows The early light is careless Be brave my little man, be brave bE brave my little man You'll walk the road a blanket spread before you Trees keeping guard Like sentries there beside you Your shadow thrown like scars behind To trace your every footstep Be brave my little man, be brave bE brave my little man Through hail and wind Through 'nclement weather struggling Just walk right on like a drum your feet are marching if you should fall Rise up with grace and walk like nothing happened Be brave my little man, be brave bE brave my little man hot cold dark light to its end just like life Be brave my little man, be brave Be brave my little man Real Tracks RealTracks in style: ~537:Bass, Acoustic, Pop Sw 165 RealTracks in style: 616:Mandolin, Rhythm Bouncy Sw 165 RealTracks in style: ~812:Guitar, Electric, Rhythm Western Swing Sw 165 RealTracks in style: ~373:Guitar, Acoustic, Strumming Hank Sw 165 RealDrums in Song: Nashville2BeatSw8^01-a:Sidestick , b:Snare, Ride RealDrums-TambourineSwing8ths
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Hi Josie,
now you've finally started your quest.
It's a good start.
Like both songs and enjoyed listening.
Guenter
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Be Brave: This is a nice upbeat tune. I like the repetition of the chorus emphasizing for the youngster to know there is nothing to fear.
The song: Once again my nits are toward the lyrics.
1. I didn't connect with "You'll walk the road
a blanket spread before you." I've never seen a blanket down a road. It was difficult for me to image.
2. I didn't find "scars" to be a good word choice. Not from the view of a father talking to his son or the be brave theme of the song.
3. "Through hail and wind - Through 'nclement weather struggling" is what Floyd Jane has taught me to be stumble words. You should be able to hear how you stumble a bit in your phrasing. Besides, " 'nclimate weather struggling" is just rephrasing "through hail & wind." I'd suggest rewriting this verse for better phrasing.
This was a nice listen. I could relate to most of the images you made.
I had the experience of walking to school in the first grade. I recall running into all sorts of 'imagined' obstacles my first day and actually leaving school without permission that first day, returning home to tell my mother I didn't want to have anything to do with school.
We moved the summer between first and second grade and from that point on, I rode the school bus except for the occasions I was suspended from riding the bus for misbehavior.
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Josie: You will notice a difference in comments from FAWM in here. The vast majority of comments at FAWM will be "pat on the back", "rah-rah", "keep it going". The reason is obvious, there needs to be no second guessiing or worry about perfection as you try and get to 14 songs in a month.
That is why it is also good to post here, so you can get some of the excellent constructive critiques that have been offered above. My first song I am going to post (hopefully today) is pretty crappy (ha, ha). But it is my first of 14 so I celebrate its crappiness!
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Little Suzie Johnson
I really liked this song. Reminded me of a folk song from the 60 like Joan Baez style.
Be Brave
Another nice tune. Excellent listen. Love the tempo of it. Cute pup sitting beside you as well.
I am not able to critique anyone's music from a songwriting pointing view or give mixing or recording advice as I am very much new at that area of music. But I do love to listen :-). There are some very skillful people in this forum that do provide excellent advice..
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Re: Song Number 2 - Be Brave
Nice sound on this - good mix, nicely recorded vocals, good instrumentation. Nice lead.
I agree with Charlie on each of his points. If you come back to these later, easy fixes....
for instance, you might try "the world" instead of "a blanket"
"Your shadow thrown... like scars behind" is a cool phrase (line) but seems "out of place" for a small boy (scars)" - you can likely find another word or image that would work as well..
"The early light is careless" - also a cool image, but I am not sure it fits with the other parts there - try... "The early light, relentless"
Just ideas, of course... you did ask for "feedback on the songwriting"...
(that being said, there are times when a writer should say "I like 'scars' there!" and go with your gut. Rules are never absolute - regardless of what some would have you believe...)
I like the song - it is a very interesting write - you're doing great...
fj
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Well done Josie and Floyd and anyone else I've missed. I've written/updated 3 or 4 lyrics so far but no songs. Better get a wriggle on.... It's hard when your working full-time with a family, but that's why it's helpful.
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Josie: You will notice a difference in comments from FAWM in here. The vast majority of comments at FAWM will be "pat on the back", "rah-rah", "keep it going". The reason is obvious, there needs to be no second guessiing or worry about perfection as you try and get to 14 songs in a month.
That is why it is also good to post here, so you can get some of the excellent constructive critiques that have been offered above. My first song I am going to post (hopefully today) is pretty crappy (ha, ha). But it is my first of 14 so I celebrate its crappiness! Hi Kevin. Yes indeed I can see that. I am definitely going to post all the songs here and take notes of all the comments. Will come back and redo them all later. I will take Feb as a month to "get it all out". Hence the recording and production may not be up to scratch. My first three songs were recorded on my laptop in Zimbabwe. No mic stand and no pop filter. Just holding the USB mic up "towards" my mouth (Noticed some rather prevalent plosives!). PS LOVED your first song. Wish I could write cr*p like that.
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Floyd, Charlie and Rob and Anne-Marie. Thanks so much for the comments and "nits". I am really after that on this project. AS mentioned I am going to just get all the songs out as best I can during Feb (I hope my jobs don't get in the way too much). I will then go back and redo the best ones for an album, taking note of all the feedback I have received.
"The early light is careless" - also a cool image, but I am not sure it fits with the other parts there - try... "The early light, relentless"
Just ideas, of course... you did ask for "feedback on the songwriting"...
Floyd, yes DEFINATELY want the feedback. Please! Lying in bed last night I had the word to use instead of "careless" but of course I didn't get up and write it down so this morning it is "gone". Lambada, thanks for chiming in. Looking forward to hearing your FAWM contributions (I generally don't take the time to read the ones with lyrics only as I do my listening on my phone while doing some stuff around the house) Scott, thanks for commenting. I appreciate it.
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Song number 3
The Time to Look THE TIME TO LOOK A bit of a "weedy" title on this one. I guess that means that I haven't written a very good hook! Oh well, there's always the next one. This one was another co-write with John C Gull (who wrote Cecil the Beautiful with me). I have quite a few sets of lyrics that people have given me over the last few months so some of those will definitely come out in FAWM. Though you've seen her body You've never seen her bare Never seen through to her soul You just didnt care her victories her losses You just dont recall All her hopes and dreams Never bothered you at all Her heart is still an unread book You never had the time You never found the time You never took the time to look when you'd wake at night You'd notice that she'd cry You never lost out on your sleep You never asked her why Her heart is still an unread book You never had the time You never found the time You never took the time to look Is time to go now and leave her as she was time to let another man try lead her to the stars Her heart is still an unread book You never had the time You never found the time You never took the time to look You never had the time You never found the time You never took the time to look Realtracks (I didn't do much with the style that BIAB gave me on this one) RealTracks in style: ~1843:Bass, Electric, CountryBoogieRootFive Sw 110 RealTracks in style: ~1141:Guitar, Electric, Rhythm CountrySwingCleanPicked Sw 110 RealTracks in style: 2452:String Quartet, Rhythm PopSwingHall Sw 110 RealDrums in style: TambourineSwing8ths: a: TambourineSwing8thsb: TambourineSwing8ths ******************* Candid feedback much appreciated!
Last edited by JosieC; 02/04/16 01:23 AM.
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Re: Song number 3
The Time to Look
This is another good recording and a good mix.
Also a good write. Good subject/idea for a write.
A few things to "take a look at"...
"You just dont recall" does not need the "just" - it gives you a slight "bump" (what Charlie was referring to on an earlier one) and would "sing better" without it. A little thing, but "how it falls on your listener's ear" is of ultimate importance. Elsewhere throughout the song you have done a good job of dropping the "unnecessary" words..
"All her hopes and dreams...Never bothered you at all" - again, you do not need the "All" (at the beginning) - it is stronger without and will "sing better"
"You never lost out on your sleep
You never asked her why"
Here, you did drop the "you" from the front of both of these when you sang it. Perfect.
"time to let another man
try lead her to the stars"
This gets a little "bumpy". You can drop "man" and you can drop "try" to become...
"time to let another
lead her to the stars" - - "another" implies a person. and dropping "try" tells a better story... you could not do it, but another will..
This is a very good write.
You could change the title to "An Unread Book". (It doesn't always have to be the last line).
fj
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"The Time to Look" is may favorite of the three. Great potential here. The common thread emerging so far is you are writing fast (good) but will be taking time to rewrite (better).
I hope (and expect) this one will make your album.
As time goes by, the lyric stumbles (bumps) will reveal themselves to you before you release the recording here on the forum. The fact all three were written while off visiting may be the major factor causing the bumps so far.
Looking forward to the next one.
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Hi Joanne,
like #3, too.
Nice vocals and harmonies.
Floyd seems to be a great mentor on the
lyrics.
Enjoyable listen.
Guenter
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In this PAK you’ll discover: Energetic folk rock, raucous train beats, fast country boogies, acid jazz grooves, laid-back funky jams, a bevy of breezy jazz waltzes, calm electro funk, indie synth pop, industrial synth metal, and more bro country than could possibly fit in the back of a pickup truck!
Special offers until December 31st, 2025!
All the Xtra Styles PAKs 1 - 21 are on special for only $29 each (reg $49), or get all 21 PAKs for $199 (reg $399)! Order now!
Learn more and listen to demos of the Xtra Styles PAK 21.
Video: Xtra Styles PAK 21 Overview & Styles Demos: Watch now!
Note: The Xtra Styles require the UltraPAK, UltraPAK+, or Audiophile Edition of Band-in-a-Box®. (Xtra Styles PAK 21 requires the 2025 or higher UltraPAK, UltraPAK+, or Audiophile Edition. They will not work with the Pro or MegaPAK version because they need the RealTracks from the UltraPAK, UltraPAK+, or Audiophile Edition.
Introducing XPro Styles PAK 10 – Now Available for Mac Band-in-a-Box 2025 and Higher!
We've just released XPro Styles PAK 10 for Mac & Windows Band-in-a-Box version 2025 (and higher) with 100 brand new RealStyles, plus 28 RealTracks and RealDrums!
Few things are certain in life: death, taxes, and a brand spankin’ new XPro Styles PAK! In this, the 10th edition of our XPro Styles PAK series, we’ve got 100 styles coming your way! We have the classic 25 styles each from the rock & pop, jazz, and country genres, and rounding out this volume's wildcard slot is 25 styles in the Praise & Worship genre! A wide spanning genre, you can find everything from rock, folk, country, and more underneath its umbrella. The included 28 RealTracks and RealDrums can be used with any Band-in-a-Box® 2026 (and higher) package.
Here’s just a small sampling of what you can look forward to in XPro Styles PAK 10: Soft indie folk worship songs, bumpin’ country boogies, gospel praise breaks, hard rockin’ pop, funky disco grooves, smooth Latin jazz pop, bossa nova fusion, western swing, alternative hip-hop, cool country funk, and much more!
Special offers until December 31st, 2025!
All the XPro Styles PAKs 1 - 10 are on sale for only $29 ea (Reg. $49 ea), or get them all in the XPro Styles PAK Bundle for only $149 (reg. $299)! Order now!
Learn more and listen to demos of XPro Styles PAKs.
Video: XPro Styles PAK 10 Overview & Styles Demos: Watch now!
XPro Styles PAKs require Band-in-a-Box® 2025 or higher and are compatible with ANY package, including the Pro, MegaPAK, UltraPAK, UltraPAK+, and Audiophile Edition.
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