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Joined: Oct 2015
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Apprentice
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Apprentice
Joined: Oct 2015
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Hi Josie,
Good job, good arrangements and beautiful voice !
The second song is perfect.
The first one : at my first listening, I found that the piano was a bit too loud, at the second listening I found it was too present and I am asking to myself if it could be simply removed. I guess that the other instruments are sufficient to get the correct ambience. Just my feeling...
Cheers
Pascal
No hay banda! There is no band! Il n'est pas de orchestra!
No hay banda! And yet we hear a band !
(David Lynch - Mulholland Drive)
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Journeyman
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Joanne just a couple of words of encouragement for I will leave all the adjustments to the experts. I enjoyed listening to both songs and I wish you the best as you move on to FAWM.
Sonny
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Hi Joanne, This certainly is a beautiful song and you sing it very well! One (tiny, tinyn, tiny) nit as far as we're concerned: The music doesn't completely agree with the dramatic words of the first verse. Then the music is too cheerful for such a sad story.  When she starts dreaming of life elsewhere music and lyrics fit very well. But we certainly think this is a very good contribution to FAWM. Lots of success!  Rob and Anne-Marie +1 I agree that the music seems too cheerful. Very well sung. Song #2- I also didn't get the blanket part. Other than that the song was close to perfect. Song #3, I agree with floyd's observations. The title should be An Unread Book. Nicely done! Tom
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Floyd, Charlie, Guenter, Pascal, Sonny and Tommy
Thanks for listening and commenting. All your comments are very well noted and much appreciated. I will definitely live with all the songs for a few months, perform them on SJ etc so they will definitely evolve before I record again.
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Song # 4 Toxic Surfer Co-write with Peter Geach In South Africa we have quite a unique method of recycling. We have these guys who come "surfing" down our streets on homemade trolleys on a Monday morning. They go through our wheelie bins. Mainly routing for plastic recyclable plastic. They then take their haul to the depot and trade it in for a few Rands. Pete gave me a poem about these guys and this is the song that was produced. I will try and get a photo on Monday of someone with their buffalo bag full to brimming with plastic bottles. Feedback appreciated. TOXIC SURFER  Photo credit: Jeff Harrisberg Lyrics: You walk for miles and miles dirty bag in tow Your flat bed trolly keeping pace Tiny wheels spin like tops in the toughs Gripping hard on the crests Clack KD Clack goes the toxic surfer Clack KD clack down the road always room for another plastic vessel Before you merchandise your load A plastic junkie in your helmet balaclava Reclaimed takkies for brakes No time to drink no time to smoke Your street of wheelie bins awaits RealTracks in style: 2421:Bass, Acoustic, RockabillySlapBoomChicka Ev16 100 RealTracks in style: 2424:Piano, Acoustic, Rhythm RockabillyBoomChickaKevin Ev 100 RealTracks in style: 2422:Guitar, Baritone Electric, Rhythm BoomChickaRootFiveBrent Ev16 100 RealTracks in song: 1518:Guitar, Electric, Soloist CountryWorkinBrent Ev16 090 RealDrums in style: BoomChickaEv16^01-a: Brush, Train, b: Rods, Train RT2010:Guitar, Resonator, Soloist CountryWorkinRob Ev16 090
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I enjoyed my listen of Toxic Surfer. I think it is a good song for FAWN but may have limited world wide appeal as the subject matter may not be widely known so maybe a questionable song for your future album.
There could be many instances here where I live that a 'toxic surfer' would catch quite a bit of flack if caught rifling through trash.
BIAB 2025:RB 2025, Latest builds: Dell Optiplex 7040 Desktop; Windows-10-64 bit, Intel Core i7-6700 3.4GHz CPU and 16 GB Ram Memory.
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Hi Josie,
I enjoyed Toxic Surfer.
Thanks for the picture.
Guenter
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This is SUCH an interesting exercise because the feedback I am getting can be immediately applied to the next song I write. Keep the feedback coming, I really appreciate it and it is definitely making this a better FAWM for me. This one I have tried to cut out all the unnecessary words (I can still see a few that can be cut next time) I have tried to match the backing with the lyrics a bit better, tried to use more appropriate images and also tried to make the theme more generic, so hopefully that all makes me a better songwriter! I quite like this one and feel it may have some potential with a little polishing.
Song Number 5 Like a Lady
(no co-writers on this one). LIKE A LADY I dont pretend to know dont know all the things dont know all a boy could do to give his lady wings If our daughters knew there different kinds of men some treat her like lady some like a friend Some will make the small things count others count all the small things You got to know how to treat her like a lady You got to know how to treat her like a queen Make her feel like a princess clothe her in dignity She'd know a caring man not one that's careless One that lends a hand not one that's helpless Our daughters would settle for those different kinds of men They treat her like a lady Not just a friend CHORUS if we teach our girls to separate the two then teach our sons to be that man CHORUS Realtacks RT521:Bass, Electric, Pop Syncopated Ev 136 RealDrums-NashvilleSkip^01-SideStick,Ride RT1292:Accordion, Rhythm TexMexCountry Ev 120 RT2035:Mandolin, Soloist CountryAndy Ev 120 RT1571:Guitar, Electric, Rhythm Soul60sHighQuarters Ev 110 RT406:Guitar, Acoustic, Strumming Ev 136 RT522:Guitar, Acoustic, Fingerpicking Ev 120 And a Dimension Pro Xylophone based on a BIAB midi melody
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Expert
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Expert
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Commented about Like a Lady over in FAWM-land, so I won't repeat that here.
One note of caution (that I never listen to myself!): The more arranging you do on the first cut (and the addition of all those instruments), the harder it might become to finalize the song, especially if you need to do any major changes.
You may want to do a few FAWM tunes with just guitar/vocal (and harmony) and then play it 100 times before doing the BIAB version. But at the same time your arrangements are pretty good as is, so maybe just keep doing what you are doing (ha, ha).
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Thanks Kevin. Yes I will definitely be doing a few acoustic tracks as the time gets shorter. I am not going to have the energy to keep doing the full BIAB production (although with the way I play the guitar it is probably quicker ha ha!). I will be performing the tracks on SJ and Periscope many times over the next few months and that way gauging which ones to use on my album. As you know I do like to perform with backing tracks on SJ.
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This one I have tried to cut out all the unnecessary words (I can still see a few that can be cut next time) I have tried to match the backing with the lyrics a bit better, tried to use more appropriate images and also tried to make the theme more generic, so hopefully that all makes me a better songwriter!
Song Number 5 Like a Lady
(no co-writers on this one).
Joanne - you have accomplished all of that on this one. A solid write. The prosody is excellent. That allowed you to sing this like it was a song that you had known a long time. (the harmonies were quite nice, too). Keep it up... fj
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#5: Like a Lady:
This is really good. My favorite so far. I'm enjoying following along your journey.
BIAB 2025:RB 2025, Latest builds: Dell Optiplex 7040 Desktop; Windows-10-64 bit, Intel Core i7-6700 3.4GHz CPU and 16 GB Ram Memory.
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Hi Joanne,
The melody and prosody for "Treat Her Like A Lady" are excellent. I found it a very enjoyable listen!
I have a couple of lyric suggestions about consolidating the song's point-of-view (i.e. who is talking to whom and why) but I'm not sure if you'd prefer me to post them here so that everything is kept in a single thread or to send them to you in an email. Please let me know.
I have to say that your songwriting really has grown! As mentioned above, I really enjoyed this.... a great deal.
Regards,
Noel
MY SONGS...Audiophile BIAB 2025
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Hi Noel. I think if you could post them here that would be great because then everyone can benefit.
Thanks to Floyd and Charlie as well.
The interesting thing about doing fawm is that you just write, record and move on immediately. When I am "not in fawm", I usually get "stuck" and then usually abandon the song. In fawm there is no abandoning because if you have already invested time in a song you are not going to throw that time away. So you keep plugging away at the song until it is good enough to record and then move on. Some of the results are surprising. My next song I started out hating but by the time I had "finished" I quite liked it.
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Hi Joanne,
very interesting arrangement. Very entertaining.
Great vocals and harmonies.
Enjoyable listen.
Guenter
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Song # 6 (nearly half way.. Phew)
Watching Time
Co-write with my friend Rachael Scherf
WATCHING TIME It doesnt seem that long ago You were barely two Id have to leave my warm dark bed to keep an eye on you Longing for the hours to pass I'watch the time tick by but when you wait time seems to crawl when I would have it fly Wishing I had more time for myself Guiltily I hold my breath watching time guilty then is a mother's fate watching time You grew so fast and sure you were nearly ten I couldn't watch your tennis match wasnt time back then Wouldnt help out at your fair TIME I cried once more The days flew by in such a rush faster than before Wishing I had more time for my child Time marches by you have children of your own Time has slowed right down again Now that you are gone wishing I had more time
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Hi, Jo !:))
This must be one of your
absolutely best ! Love the chords
and your beautiful vocals !!!:))
Cheers
Dani
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Joanne, I at least wanted to offer encouragement. I know you are looking for suggestions as well, but what you are getting is so great already, I wouldn't know what to ad.
So, that being said, I do really like the your music AND your delivery of it...also the suggestions being made. I'm educating myself by listening (see my name) from your triumphs!
It's a great thread to witness the power of the forum we have and talent like yours!
Chad (Hope that makes it easier)
TEMPO TANTRUM: What a lead singer has when they can't stay in time.
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Hi Joanne,
re Watching Time
I like the story.
Good vocals and harmonies.
The single line BGV towards the end doesn't quite fit the chords.
Enjoyed listening.
Guenter
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Hi Joanne. I'm not sure what FAWM is but I like the tune!! The Who did a song with a similar theme in the 60's-Little Billy. This is well done, and it's always great to see justice, even if it's just in a song. Nice job. Mix and arrangement are excellent! Take care. Greg
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