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Joined: Dec 2002
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Hi All, Here is a new song I wrote. Take a listen if you want. Critiques accepted  Here it is :- Birthday's Come and Then They Go Regards Michee
Windows 11 64 bit, Biab 2024 1111, Realband 2024
i7 Desktop Computer 16Gb Memory
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This is one great song. Super lyrics and outstanding vox. Great production also.
It’s a keeper.
The bumper sticker said "I'm a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal".
Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the road.
64 bit Win 10 Pro, the latest BiaB/RB, Roland Octa-Capture audio interface, a ton of software/hardware
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Joined: Feb 2007
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Quote:
Critiques accepted
I thought the instrumental track sounded pretty good. the vox melody sounded ok to me also. You are going to have to change the lyrics, though -- every single rhyme was that long "o" sound.
First verse: go, hello, go, go
second verse: go, ago, show, go
bridge: outgrow, go
verse: ago, show, glow
Just an opinion.
Kevin
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Very well done. Nice lyrics. Sax was perfect. Well produced. Thanks for sharing. My Music
My TunesPsalm 57:7 My heart, O God, is steadfast, my heart is steadfast; I will sing and make music.
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Hi All, Thanks for the nice comments. Hi Kemmrich, Quote:
I thought the instrumental track sounded pretty good. the vox melody sounded ok to me also. You are going to have to change the lyrics, though -- every single rhyme was that long "o" sound.
First verse: go, hello, go, go
second verse: go, ago, show, go
bridge: outgrow, go
verse: ago, show, glow
Just an opinion.
I value your opinion. As you can probably tell I am not a lyricist 
Maybe someone could help me with that by suggesting lyrics for me.
Regards
Michee
Windows 11 64 bit, Biab 2024 1111, Realband 2024
i7 Desktop Computer 16Gb Memory
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I don't mind 'o' rhymes. I mean, Robert Burns got away with it. Your voice is strong throughout. Some small issues: - To my ears the drums (especially the snare) lack some punch and some treble. - The sax plays all the right notes, but it seems to come from a different room. Maybe you could pan it a bit more to the center, and add a db or so? - Overall, I think the song would sound even better with less reverb. Ah, my two cents... Nice work! - Jepster
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I don't believe there have to be hard and fast rules regarding lyrics - your lyrics are your thoughts put to music. Simpler introspective feeling melodies generate simpler rhymes. The simpler the lyrics, the easier it is for others to identify with what you write.
The current song I have posted has the same rhyme at the end of each line in a particular verse. The rhyme changes each verse - but that's the way it came out. But it's not everybody's cuppa Earl Grey.
Perhaps look at changing the rhyme in each verse but then a change in rhyme might mean that the song goes in another direction than the thoughts about which it was originally written. If the song is from your heart then the scope of the words will be narrower - if you're creating lyrics as part of a songwriting exercise then the scope will be broader. But don't feel uncomfortable about what you post here. There's no right or wrong, there's sharing and learning.
Keep it up Michee, you're doing really well.
Cheers - Ian
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Quote:
Maybe someone could help me with that by suggesting lyrics for me.
This is not really a lyric critiquing site, but I will give you my philosophy about rhyming and things like that (just remember that I am an amateur lyric writer that is no better than any one else here).
In the end it comes down to your goals. If this song is just for you and your family and you like it as is, then don't read anymore on this post (LOL). If you goal is to entertain anyone who might listen to the the tune, then read on (and then accept or dismiss what I have to say).
I am obviously in the minority here on the analysis of your lyrics, mainly because of the rhyming scheme. My opinion is that if you use simple repeating rhymes, then you have obviously allowed the rhymes to run the show and not the "story" that is the basis of the song. You are actually further away from heart felt writing than if you used no rhymes at all. Great, modern writing is conversational in tone -- we write the way we speak (except we rhyme as much as possible, to make things flow and be memorable).
So to re-write the lyrics, write a synopsis about what you want to say in each verse and make it conversational. Then go about figuring out the rhyming scheme and the words you want to use. When you rhyme every line or use the same rhyming sound, the story actually gets lost and the listener gets trapped in the world of Dr Suessian mumbo jumbo.
Ian mentions above that he has rhymed every ending word in each verse. Without listening, I can't say if it worked or not, but my gut reaction is that is probably didn't work. He has chosen rhyming over story telling. The listener will end up knowing what word is coming next and forget what is being said.
So,
it might not be my cup of Earl Grey
and everyone has something to say
but it is probably a lazy way
to make a lyrical point today.
Kevin
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Kevin, you make some very valid points, you have a great approach to your writing - I see this in your posts like your Civil War song. The point I was trying to make was that simple is OK too, sometimes it fits the mood. And after that first burst of spontaneity then begins the spit and polish. I always have words and phrases left over at the end of a song. By the way Kevin, I stand rebuked for my cuppa Earl Grey comment – it was a bad joke at the wrong time – apologies. Sorry if it seemed to single you out. We’re really here just trying to lend a hand. Serves me right for writing more than four lines. “Beam me up Mr. O’Brien”
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