PG Music Home Forums General Discussion Songwriting Modern Country: A Celebration of Dysfunction, Alcoholism and Crystal Meth

OK,

I didn't say this stuff, but this blog post I stumbled across is hilarious.

The advice columnist on a Nashville blog site---"Nashville Scene" for crying out loud!--argues that modern country is tailored for people who people who are too poor to buy computers (or too stupid to turn them on) and is a blatant celebration of ignorance, dysfunction, alcoholism and crystal meth.

It made me laugh so I thought I would share. (3 years old but still funny.)

https://www.nashvillescene.com/music/article/13058610/chris-crofton-advice-king-sleazy-record-execs-finding-love-and-barbie-race

Chris Crofton, Advice King: Envying the 'Super-Talented'; Final Four Picks

Comedian, musician, host of The Chris Crofton Show and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it.

Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.

Dear Advice King,

My girlfriend has made plans for us to go out with her boss and his wife for dinner. She works for a sleazy record company exec with an ego the size of Mars. How do I make it through an evening of his insufferable bulls.... without saying something that could put my girl's job in jeopardy?

Thanks,

No Filter

There are still sleazy record company execs? What are they selling? They certainly aren’t selling records. The No. 1 record on the Billboard charts this week sold 88 copies. They must be selling all their leather couches and glass-top coffee tables and J. Geils Band gold records on Craigslist.

The only people who still pay for music are people who don’t know how to steal it with computers. Did you know that? Did you ever wonder why modern pop music sounds like it could only be appreciated by a child? That is because it is meant for children. Children don’t know how to use computers to steal music. Ed Sheeran is a muppet. Adam Levine is a muppet with herpes. Taylor Swift is a birthday pony.

You know who else can’t steal music? People with no money. They don’t have computers. It is no coincidence that country music is the only musical genre that still sells physical copies — today’s country music panders to the poor. The lyrics are a mix of right-wing talking points and celebrations of escapist behavior — drinking, drug-taking, shooting guns and casual sex.

The right-wing bull.... tells them that being poor is noble and fun (“Some folks sit and wait on the government check / Some of us have the sun beatin' down on our neck,” Billy Currington's “Lil’ Ol’ Lonesome Dixie Town”; and “Ain't no line around the corner, no security / No velvet rope, no dress code, everybody's VIP / You can wear your hat, dance in your bare feet / No credit card, no roll of cash, just BYOB,” Dierks Bentley's “Back Porch”), and the party instructions sell alcohol and keep the for-profit jail industrial complex thriving (“DRINK IN OR NEAR YOUR TRUCK, SON,” Everybody on the Radio). That Blake Shelton song “Boys 'Round Here” even gives a not-so-sly and super-awful shout-out to the meth crowd: "Yeah, the girls ’round here, they all deserve a whistle / Shakin’ that sugar, sweet as Dixie crystal." You can try to tell me that’s just about sugar, but it’s f...ing not.

Glorifying dysfunction helps keep people dysfunctional. The less functional the public is, the more likely they are to buy CDs.

“Hey Randy, pick up the new Florida Georgia Line CD when you’re out. They have an awesome new song called ‘Natural Light, Hot Cheetos and Jesus.’ And get some Natural Light and Hot Cheetos, too. And pregnancy tests. And come right back because I need the car to go to court.”

“Man, my friend Onion said we could get that for free on a torrent.”

“Your friend Onion bought a Taurus?”

“Do what now?”

I am a musician and would obviously prefer for people to pay for music, but trying to keep the poor poor — and drunk — is not the right way to do it. Act like adults, music biz people, and figure out a new model for selling art, because right now you’re selling advertising.

Oh yeah, ADVICE. OK Mr. “No Filter” Man, can you really not control yourself? Be polite for your girlfriend’s sake. Be polite for your girlfriend’s money’s sake! If it helps, remember that this guy’s big ego is just how he compensates for the self-hatred that comes from working in the fading, artless industry I described above.

Well jump up, turn around, pick a bale of cotton..... that was as funny, in some places, as seeing Michelle O being nominated for most fashionable, articulate, and beautiful woman of the year...

I had no clue they were singing about crystal meth while referring to "dixie crystal"...... hummm.... Taylor Swift as a birthday pony, yep, I can make that connection.

Maybe I've been writing about the wrong things in my songs.....

Herb,

I see a few co-writes in our future. We'll do it this time!

In the meantime, I am totally running with:

‘Natural Light, Hot Cheetos and Jesus.’

I am going to do this straight-faced and send it in.

Swear to God.

If I'm lyin' I'm dyin.

That article did it's job...sell ads. Weather you like it or hate it; they released it to people to see ads.

I'm not sure if Tim Toonen still runs the scene as I haven't talked to him in a few years; but he is definitively about business. He's a great guy too; and one hell of a singer.

Not my kind of article; but saw who published it and took a look.

Caaron,

This one made me laugh the way I used to laugh at vintage Chris Rock though.

There is a certain "ouch" factor there in this comedy routine that is bound to make people squirm. It was what Chris Rock used to be so good at, and I thought this tapped into the same style.

Off the rails--but still....

Crazy. But not totally crazy.