Originally Posted By: EdZ314
This is an excellent song, and the vocals are outstanding. I really like the way the chorus keeps returning to the same, very strong vibe. It's highly accomplished on many levels. With that said, if you really want some actionable feedback at what would normally be the "nitpicking" level:

> Timing on some of the phrasing could be a bit tighter. Doesn't need to be perfectly on the beat in every case but a strategic lag or lead at certain key points can really carry. Sinatra, Manilow were masters of this, for example.

> I would experiment with a bit more dynamics in the vocals as well, at certain points - just a bit more soft and a bit more loud - again at key points, and you can vary that a bit between choruses - possibly increasing the tension in the later ones.

The lyrics are really good - very evocative, inspiring striking imagery and weaving a story. This line in particular stands out - I could absolutely see this being in a classic rock song:

"Let us dance, let us die, with our backs young and straight."

On the other hand, I'm not quite getting this one, but it could just be me:

"Oh, the curse of these rations--a brush twined with hair.
I'm like a bird deep in flight . . . that gets lost to the air."

This is way beyond anything that I could do myself, but I hope this feedback is helpful. Keep up the great work.


Those are great suggestions. I'll definitely keep those in mind as I revise and re-record the song. I totally understand what you're saying about the line with "curse of rations". I think that one does take a while to puzzle out, which might interrupt the listening experience. What I'd like to convey is the vestige of someone who is left behind--the brush twined with hair--and how the lover's presence isn't constant; her love, her physicality is rationed out. In that scene with her, those few moments he shares, he is lost to the act of love, he is married to that moment the way a bird is part of the flight, part of the air; how it merges and simply vanishes to sight.

Thanks again for your kind words and helpful suggestions.

Cheers,

Todd

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