Before going further, I would like to address Charlie's comments.


Originally Posted By: Charlie Fogle
Hey Floyd, I posted my thoughts earlier and promptly deleted them because I felt some may find the post overbearing and offensive. In my deleted post I stated, yes, this is a great song, expertly produced and performed but I went against the grain of every other post and expressed that I think lyrically the song got off to a great and strong start through the first verse and chorus but faltered at the second verse. The first verse and chorus lines were catchy, had the hook and have been quoted and pointed out for clever use. I felt you struggled with the second verse, loss a bit of focus, repeated the same ideas of the first verse and chorus in a more cliched way. In my post, I said the second verse felt to me, orphaned from the song. Dynamically, the storyline deflated rather than build. Maybe you'd like to expand on how you lyrically developed this song.



And here is what Charlie wrote earlier and deleted (re-posted with his permission)


Originally Posted By: Charlie Fogle
Writing "You never even called me by my name", Steve Goodman thought he'd written the perfect country song until David Allen Coe pointed out all the 'country' standard fare Steve had left out of the song prompting Steve to rewrite the song adding another verse and achieve success in writing the perfect country song.

If I may take the roll of David Allen Coe for a moment. You did the opposite from Steve. You've written such a strong first verse and chorus that you've orphaned the second verse from the rest of the song.

By the time we get to the second verse we already know that you stumble your way through your daily grind. That your broken heart is working overtime. That every minute of every day, you wonder how you ever let her walk away. That you're drowning in regret and you need to find a way to forget.

The storyline doesn't build. It deflates. Reading through the comments, I didn't see a single lyrical reference to the second verse... It was all said and done in the first verse and chorus.

Like Steve Goodman, you've written a great song but maybe a few tweaks are needed to take this one over the top.



I can understand the thought/perception that the 2nd verse is a "let down" to some degree.
A valid point to at least express....

I don't fully agree with your assessment that:
"By the time we get to the second verse we already know that you stumble your way through your daily grind. That your broken heart is working overtime. That every minute of every day, you wonder how you ever let her walk away. That you're drowning in regret and you need to find a way to forget..."

The setup of the song is dependent on the day list.

One "trick" that can be used when you find that your first verse is stronger than your second verse is to simply swap the verses to allow the stronger verse to fortify or build on the theme. I have done that on more than one occasion (often, in fact).


In this case that was not an option. In order for the chorus to have the impact that it does, the first verse needed to be the list of days since the list continues into and defines the chorus.

So after "the list", I chose to present the week as a whole (and the weeks to come) in the second verse.
The main goal must be to have a legitimate path back to the chorus.
Certainly, that should not be a rehash of verse 1.
The 1st verse was an intial realization (of a "new" heartbreak)
The details of the 2nd verse were intended to be a bit deeper into the longer-term-lasting-effects of that hearbreak. A summation. Perhaps a resignation to an enduring pain (as opposed to the inital immediate pain/shock).
I am comfortable (and satisfied) with that. I think the "summation" verse is a valid writing tool when it is the strongest option available (which, for me, in this case, it was)


As Steve told the story of You Never Even Called Me By My Name, Coe told him specifically WHAT he left out - not just that "something was left out".

With that in mind...

I would be really interested in any suggestion you (or anyone else) might have for what a 2nd verse should look like.
Hopefully, I am not coming off as defensive here - because I REALLY am interested.
If you (or anyone else) presents a better 2nd verse, I will record it in place of the current verse and give you co-writing credit and re-post the song.
You could even put it in the Songwriting forum as a "writing challenge" if you want.

(And, for the record... no one should ever feel like they cannot express their opinion in a thread I post. I know - I certainly get the impression - that there are those who think I point out mixing aspects that they would leave "unsaid". They are opinions. I try to be respectful. Everyone doesn't have to agree - and often do not. They are, after all...opinions.)

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