Originally Posted By: dcuny
Well, since everything useful has been said, (and I agree with) I'll take a stab at a rewrite.

Not because I think I can do better, but... I can't resist the challenge. laugh

But first, it was great being able to get "behind the scenes", so to speak, on the songwriting in your response to Charlie.

The second verse feels like a bridge to me. I agree, it does everything it needs to do, and for what the song aims to be, it's works perfectly well. But perhaps verse two could do something else?

You've already used the list in the first verse to go through the days of the week, and the chorus to hit the weekend.

One option would be to take another swing at the weekdays again. This seems weak, because it can sound like it's just repeating the same thoughts as verse one all over again. So it's got to be different somehow to make it work.

Maybe rhyming the weekdays to keep it subtle (yes, I'm just repeating the first verse here, to see what happens):

one day i won't be missing her
look to the day that it will no longer hurt
when i say i'm not sorry or sad
there's a way i can stop from going mad

Urf. That didn't really work, did it? Not clever enough by half, and it's another list (in that it echoes verse one).

How about what she's been up to during the week? Completely ignoring the established meter:

monday i found she had unfriended me
on tuesday her friend stopped by to give me back my keys
wednesday i tried calling but her new number's unlisted
thursday she serves me papers that say i'm ceased and desisted

It doesn't tonally match, because it's way over the top. Instead of building on the misery, it's completely unbelievable.

Which, some people might say, makes it a poor solution.

Those people are the "no fun" people at parties. wink

OK, one more crack at the "days of the week" approach, even though I know it's going to end badly.

last monday i was kissing her
then tuesday she walked away
...

Urgh. Nothing clever, just the same old cliche.

That's all I've got. laugh



Originally Posted By: Charlie Fogle
"One "trick" that can be used when you find that your first verse is stronger than your second verse is to simply swap the verses to allow the stronger verse to fortify or build on the theme. In this case that was not an option. In order for the chorus to have the impact that it does, the first verse needed to be the list of days since the list continues into and defines the chorus."

There's always a place for a song to go. I see four paths.

. Leave verse two 'as is', it's there and I'm the only voice with a nit. It obviously works as intended.
. My first thought about verse two was the same as David's, make it a bridge - Verse 1, Chorus, instrumental, bridge and final chorus. As a bridge, change the chord progression, feel, or even the tempo.
. Reverse the verses but add the days again - I agree with you and David here. It's a weak path that doesn't build the song but it's a logical path because one has a bad day that turns into a bad week, that becomes bad weeks, months, years and sometimes forever. A bad day is never forever.
. "How about what she's been up to during the week? " If a rewrite is in order, this is the one. Two good ways to do it.
- A. Continue in the first person but develop what you hear about how she's taking the breakup.
- B. Rewrite verse two from her perspective, having 'her' describe her first week in days the same as your verse one perspective - Enlist Janice - develop the song as a duet similar to Sheryl Crow/Kid Rock's "The Picture".

<< Monday -stumble through my daily grind
<< Tuesday, this broken heart working overtime
<< Wednesday, he's on my mind throughout the day
<< Thursday, wondering why i let him walk away
<< This heartache never takes a break
<< I know just what it takes



It seems to me that David "answered his own question"...

Writing about what "she" has been doing could work.
However, doing it by listing the days again (in my opinion) would make the song "cheesy" sounding. I fact anything that listed the days again would do that. But you might be able to do it without listing days.

Turning it into a duet is really "something else", and therefore, not addressing the "issue" (if there is one). And, again, (in my opinion) with the following the "list the days" thing, you end up with something "a little too cute" for my tastes. Donnie and Marie territory... And she would have to be singing the same chorus which would bring up the question of "why don't they just get back together?"

I'm still willing to entertain a well-written 2nd verse.
(not just ideas of what might work...)
It's just 6 short lines.
How hard can it be?

smile

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