I wrote and recorded this the last weekend in April. I've misplaced my StudioOne file, but when I find it, I'll update this post with info about what extra tracks I created in StudioOne. ===========================
LYRICS
Draft 9
Verse 1.1 Say you’re all alone Say soft songs of home Drifted shoreward like the corpse of a child Who couldn’t carry the lie
Verse 1.2 And the dark endangered sea That promised to be wild and free Bloomed bitter and costly and cold And salted your heart
Chorus 1.1 And now you're all the way down Your hope’s halfway drowned The faces churned up through the waves Eye a terrible light.
Chorus 1.2 And now you're all the way down Broken ship run aground A vessel that's vanished from sight That beds hard in the sea
Verse 2.1 Say your lover's words Last true bird you heard Soared high in the sky but then vanished To the thief of the flight.
Verse 2.2 Say you shuttered your life Fed your letters to fire Snuck the blood from the bones' broken cup Till the world had run dry.
Chorus 2.1 And now you're all the way down And from your place on the ground You see the stars slowly pulled, how they're torn From the sky's fragile gown
Chorus 2.2 And now you're all the way down. All the way down. And the murmur of yearning and love Is hard lost to the night.
Bridge Well you know in your heart You hold the sea and its charts Well you know in your heart You could let go and swim toward the light
Chorus 3.1 But now you're all the way down All the way down Like a ship. Like the waves. Like the broken Refusing the fight.
Chorus 3.2 And now you're all the way down All the way down. Sullen fool holds the wreck of his heart In a trembling hand.
End Look to the light - let your heart fill with light Look to the light - oh, you know that it’s right Look to the light Though you’re wrecked and you’re broken Still you can fill with the light
=========================
This song sketch began as a poem in Afrikaans. I applied the translitic method to it to create the following 1st draft and then I kept revising until I made song lyrics.
Draft 1
Chaos registers okay in the class so dapper the under-wiser bine-strap the hooligans had horns going rear systems had wasted and gone the Thames veered vandalism in the world. A husky word salivated, ingested word I can you less leer And what you knew shall forget me. Hi hat and sun go scream what go scream hat a horn dares and down the moor toe trek high the mice actor home and the being met group hear to hard loop high the sword in the hand toss the gease the rye ears come ears go, very clear hi fingers vote of tone hi gooey the sword not in the later comer dittle traffic and doe like dole trek then and howl gear you'd hi gain words met system spell these first ant plopping masks the rugged scoon (wear diagonal water skier, with hand) hoolah vale so is rubber jolly (hula veil) wander the prop and go trek word
=======================================
I had a cold when I recorded this, so my low-voice is pretty strained and scratchy. I plan to redo it. I'm open to hearing any other suggestions for the song. I really appreciate all the helpful comments and suggestions on the other songs I've posted on this forum. Thanks so much for all your help and your kind and encouraging words. I've enjoyed listening to everyone else's songs too. So much talent on this forum. Great job everyone.
Oh, I remembered an extra track I added. I had just built an electric guitar with piezo's in the saddles, and I used that to make the acoustic guitar intro. It was one of those "first thought, best thought" kind of guitar parts, but I'm open to changing it if you don't feel it fits or if you think it needs more refinement. Or if you think I need to add that acoustic guitar part as a fill in more parts of the song, let me know.
Lovely vocal in the chorus. I was, initially, confused by your numbering system...then I realized it is a slight complication I could ignore. When i read/heard "Drifted shoreward like the corpse of a child" I prepared for a dark journey but that level of dark imagery wasn't really approached again though the 1st English draft is much more akin to it. There's a long walk between the draft and the final lyric. I doubt the draft would've sung well. The arrangement felt like it'd move into moody folk or a murder ballad but it retained a light, almost anonymous supporting role to the melody, vocal & lyric. It did that well.
Cheers rayc "What's so funny about peace, love & understanding?" - N.Lowe
Lovely vocal in the chorus. I was, initially, confused by your numbering system...then I realized it is a slight complication I could ignore. When i read/heard "Drifted shoreward like the corpse of a child" I prepared for a dark journey but that level of dark imagery wasn't really approached again though the 1st English draft is much more akin to it. There's a long walk between the draft and the final lyric. I doubt the draft would've sung well. The arrangement felt like it'd move into moody folk or a murder ballad but it retained a light, almost anonymous supporting role to the melody, vocal & lyric. It did that well.
Thanks, Ray, for your helpful comments. I appreciate you giving my song a listen. Yes, the numbering of the lyrics is a little unconventional--it was originally to help me keep track of where I was when I was singing.
Do you feel I should change "the corpse of a child"? Or do you think I should try to make a few more drafts and steer the song toward something darker in subsequent lines?
Yes, the 1st draft definitely wouldn't have sung well. I think I didn't start trying to measure the lines until draft 5 or 6. The 1st draft is the actual transliteration from the foreign language poem and usually it reads like gibberish. The 2nd draft is where I start to "decipher" the 1st draft, to find patterns, images, potential meanings.
Did you like that the arrangement stayed light or would you have preferred it to move into something darker? Any suggestions about what to do to make it darker?
Thanks again for your comments and for giving my song a listen. I really appreciate it.
This is the original poem in Afrikaans that I used to create my 1st draft transliteration:
Chaos regeer OK in die klas soos dapper die onderwyser binnestap die nooligans het hom geïgnoreer sy stem het verlore gegaan 'Die tema vir vandag is geweld en huiswerk sal ingestel word Ek gaan jou 'n les leer een wat jy nooit sal vergeet nie ' Hy het 'n seun geskree wat geskree het en hom daar en dan versmoor toe trek hy die meisie agter hom aan (die een met grou hare) Toe hardloop hy die swaard in die hand tussen die geselsende rye 'Eers kom, eers gesny', verklaar hy 'vingers, voete of tone' Hy gooi die swaard na 'n latecomer dit tref 'n dodelike doel trek dan 'n haelgeweer uit hy gaan voort met sy spel Die eerste ontploffing maak die ruggraat skoon (waar diegene wat skier, uithang) hulle val soos rubberjolle wanneer die prop uitgetrek word
I liked the song and the arrangement. The transition from the original afrikaans lyrics had me baffled, but I guess that's the goal of translitic methodology. I liked the stuff on your youtube channel too, especially "Pay it down the line" and "Your paradise" Nice work
I like the tracks quite a bit. The build in the chorus was nice (I did think you could use some more heavy sustained big guitar chords there, too. Panned either side and "under"). The transition into the bridge could use one big sustained chord at the beginning - a bit of a "drop out" there.
The lyric was a bit "esoteric" for my tastes.
Your vocal on this truly shines. Man! you have some range - heading towards Steve Perry territory... Impressive. And really well recorded - that is not an easy thing to capture well. You did it in spades.
The song packs an emotional punch - both lyrically, melodically and vocally.
You've got the skill to pull it off, so it's all top flight.
I like the obliqueness of the lyric. In the balance between "poetic" and "song", the strong meter and rhymes lean it away from sounding like poetry set to music, and more on the musical poetry side.
The guitar intro was a bit off-putting for me, but that's only because I didn't know where the song was going. On further hearing, it made sense.
The ending seemed a bit abrupt. I can imagine adding an instrumental tag, like an outro on a pennywhistle or something.
Todd, that line is uncomfortable reading/listening but there's nothing wrong with that I wouldn't drop it though I might revisit that discomfort again with something thematically similar. Musically, It's lovely but if it dropped into a darker section, same musically but different, darker tones added for example, you'd have contrast as well. I like it all as is but that line stands out.
Cheers rayc "What's so funny about peace, love & understanding?" - N.Lowe
I liked the song and the arrangement. The transition from the original afrikaans lyrics had me baffled, but I guess that's the goal of translitic methodology. I liked the stuff on your youtube channel too, especially "Pay it down the line" and "Your paradise" Nice work
Hi, Chris. Thanks so much. I'm glad you like it. And thanks for giving my songs on YouTube a view too.
Yeah, the translitic is about creating something of a puzzle and then teasing out a meaning through multiple revisions. It's a way to discover new images, new metaphors, new juxtapositions of objects. Often the early drafts are pretty esoteric. It's been a good tool though to help me get out of a rut in my writing.
The two of us are fond of "connect your own dots" lyrics ... well so long as the dots are not so far apart one gets lost And your tune allows the listener to accept your imagery and create their own.
You certainly use your impressive vocal range to great advantage!
Excellent tracks and mix and we enjoyed it!
J&B
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I like the tracks quite a bit. The build in the chorus was nice (I did think you could use some more heavy sustained big guitar chords there, too. Panned either side and "under"). The transition into the bridge could use one big sustained chord at the beginning - a bit of a "drop out" there.
The lyric was a bit "esoteric" for my tastes.
Your vocal on this truly shines. Man! you have some range - heading towards Steve Perry territory... Impressive. And really well recorded - that is not an easy thing to capture well. You did it in spades.
Keep 'em coming. I dig your music.
fj
Hi, FJ. I always love to read your responses. I'll see about adding some heavy sustained guitar in the chorus. And thanks for the suggestion on the bridge. I'll definitely give that a try too.
Yeah, my lyrics tend toward the esoteric. I suppose that's the risk of trying to make them poetic. Sometimes it works; sometimes it doesn't. Was there anything in particular that didn't make sense or didn't seem to follow? Or did they just seem completely out there?
Thanks so much for your kind words about my vocals. I really dig Steve Perry. My kids cover several Journey songs, and I always enjoy singing on them.
Glad you liked the recording. My bedroom--where I record--isn't treated, so it's always hard to tell how the mixes sound to others. Because the acoustics are bad, I often record through headphones. I also have some room-correction software, but I'm not sure how well it works.
I'll definitely try some of those suggestions you made and probably post the new version of the song sometime over the next few months.
The song packs an emotional punch - both lyrically, melodically and vocally.
You've got the skill to pull it off, so it's all top flight.
I like the obliqueness of the lyric. In the balance between "poetic" and "song", the strong meter and rhymes lean it away from sounding like poetry set to music, and more on the musical poetry side.
The guitar intro was a bit off-putting for me, but that's only because I didn't know where the song was going. On further hearing, it made sense.
The ending seemed a bit abrupt. I can imagine adding an instrumental tag, like an outro on a pennywhistle or something.
Really, really well done.
Hey, David. Thanks so much for your kind and helpful comments. I'm glad you like the lyrics. It's hard to tell how others will respond to them. Sometimes they are too fragmented or obscure. I think I tend to focus more on sound and image than meaning. Glad it doesn't sound like poetry set to music.
Thanks for letting me know about the intro. I had been feeling that way about it. I'll definitely consider doing something different with it or adding more of that kind of guitar throughout the song.
Yeah, the ending was definitely abrupt. I kind of ran out of steam there and needed a quick way to finish the song. I'll be sure to go back in and add an instrumental tag or something. I like your idea of a pennywhistle outro. ;-)
I liked the lyrics a lot. Your singing reminded me a bit of Neil Diamond. Very good singing. It all came together nicely. I would've liked a little more space between one main verse to the next one. You finish the chorus and then boom, right into the next verse. A small point, overall, it was brilliant.
Windows 11, Intel Core I5 10400, 16 gig ram, Scarlett 2i2, Sony Acid Music Studio 10, BIAB 2020 UltraPlus Pak
Todd, that line is uncomfortable reading/listening but there's nothing wrong with that I wouldn't drop it though I might revisit that discomfort again with something thematically similar. Musically, It's lovely but if it dropped into a darker section, same musically but different, darker tones added for example, you'd have contrast as well. I like it all as is but that line stands out.
Thanks, Ray, for those ideas. I might try that--revisiting the discomfort with something thematically similar. I have a lot of revision I'd like to do to this song, so I might do a few more rewrites of the lyrics. Thanks again! Cheers, Todd
WONDERFUL SONG!!! Love the melody, the passion, and the killer vocal delivery!!! I have a cold now but it's not allowing me to sing like that....WOW!!! LOVE IT!! Take care. Greg
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