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Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 6,511
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Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 6,511 |
So sorry to hear that, Eddie.
My father didn't think music was a good career either, encouraging me to 'get a trade' or 'work for the Post Office, those guys have it made'.
He was a printer by trade.
But he accepted my choice as my choice, and came to be comfortable with it when he saw me making a living at it.
He and my mom would come out to our gigs when Mrs. Notes and I decided to target the retirement audience.
Bob
Bob "Notes" Norton  Norton Music
https://www.nortonmusic.com
100% MIDI Super-Styles recorded by live, pro, studio musicians for a live groove
& Fake Disks for MIDI and/or RealTracks
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Joined: Aug 2010
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OP
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,298 |
He died during his 73rd year, when I was 39, after telling me on his deathbed that I was an embarrassment to him, that he was disappointed in what I had become, and that he was ashamed to admit that I was his son. I've been trying to think of what to say to this since you've posted it. I'm in Wisconsin. It gets cold enough here that people go fishing on the ice. I'm sure you already knew that. But, do you recognize and ice hole when you see one? I do. The truth in what he said wasn't about you. It was about himself. That was the last thing he said to me. I have been carrying that around for 31 years now, and I think about that every day. It will never go away. That man that I revered, that man who shaped me and who by example instilled into me my strong work ethic, died disappointed in me. You don't truly instill someone with great work ethic. You can try, but it just doesn't work that way. Ultimately it is their own choice. Disappointed in you? Heads up, there was NO WAY you would please someone like that. Man, he FAILED YOU as a father. You may feel the need to defend him or say some great attributes about him; but nothing excuses any of this. He didn't expose any short comings you have. He made all of his glaringly obvious to anyone not in the situation. Sorry you went through that...or are still living with it. I hope this doesn't come across wrong. I don't mean it as a "who needs a hug?" kind of way. I mean it as a "F him!" kind of way. Not your style of music at all, but the bridge may give you a bit of perspective... 52 million views on a lyric video that the band didn't even put out, I'm thinking you're not alone. Numb
Chad (Hope that makes it easier)
TEMPO TANTRUM: What a lead singer has when they can't stay in time.
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Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 745
Journeyman
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Journeyman
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 745 |
My dad told the hospice people how mean and hateful I was. (He was a work of art my whole life.) The hospice rep told him to stop that we were all here to help him.
The last thing he said to to was "what happened to us?" I told him "life happened."
I found out later that he was that way with my brothers. The worse was my oldest brother - he went though his whole life couch surfing. He was on the street. I got him the help he needed after a carbon monoxide accident. Just homeless - not abusing any drugs or booze. When I got him on disability because of the brain injury from the CO, he received $500.00 a month. My brother had no idea what to do with that kind of money. I told him "you need winter boots?" He said "I can buy them?" I said "sure if you want." That broke my heart.
I do check on my brother to be sure he is doing ok with his money. He is doing fine.
Sometimes parents really don't know how to parent. This does not make things right - it just is.
...Deb
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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 1,422
Expert
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Expert
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 1,422 |
He died during his 73rd year, when I was 39, after telling me on his deathbed that I was an embarrassment to him, that he was disappointed in what I had become, and that he was ashamed to admit that I was his son. I've been trying to think of what to say to this since you've posted it. I'm in Wisconsin. It gets cold enough here that people go fishing on the ice. I'm sure you already knew that. But, do you recognize and ice hole when you see one? I do. The truth in what he said wasn't about you. It was about himself. That was the last thing he said to me. I have been carrying that around for 31 years now, and I think about that every day. It will never go away. That man that I revered, that man who shaped me and who by example instilled into me my strong work ethic, died disappointed in me. You don't truly instill someone with great work ethic. You can try, but it just doesn't work that way. Ultimately it is their own choice. Disappointed in you? Heads up, there was NO WAY you would please someone like that. Man, he FAILED YOU as a father. You may feel the need to defend him or say some great attributes about him; but nothing excuses any of this. He didn't expose any short comings you have. He made all of his glaringly obvious to anyone not in the situation. Sorry you went through that...or are still living with it. I hope this doesn't come across wrong. I don't mean it as a "who needs a hug?" kind of way. I mean it as a "F him!" kind of way. I'm no doctor, but I played doctor with the girl next door... a lot, and I agree 100% with what Caaron is saying here... Eddie, get some professional therapy and lose that poisonous baggage... Life is too short, and "this ain't no trial run". (sorry Mr. Mad-Duh-Sn, I couldn't hep-ma-self) Little More Time
Bandcamp Win-11; BiaB-2026 Audiophile (latest version)
Cakewalk Sonar; Melodyne-5; Scaler 3; NI Komplete:
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Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 2,746
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Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 2,746 |
Hi Eddie,
I have been to sick to type. I been reading this thread. You know I care about you and I understand better than most what you are going throuth.
I am taking enough pain meds that it is a bit hard to think well.
I was seriouslly abused by my father and left home when I was 13. That set me up for PTSD. The PTSD set me up for drug addection which I recovered from.
None of this crap is easy Eddie. There is no cure for all the pain people have put you through. It does help to talk to someone who actually has been there. I am here for you man. You can PM me anytime. I will give you my telephone number. I will get in my damn car and drive to Ohio if need be. Perhaps not this week. I need all these tubes and stiches out before I can drive. Plus I would scare hell out of you if I showed looking like this....lol
PLease take care of yourself and call me anytime you need to talk.
Brothers in arms!
Billy
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Joined: May 2020
Posts: 2,766
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Joined: May 2020
Posts: 2,766 |
I read through all this setting here in the The ICU after surgery that has gone well. Glad you're doing well Billy, hope you're back on your feet soon! Music is just like any other job. My original comment was that music is nothing magical or mystical. It's just something people can do. People who are just so mesmerized because they CAN'T do make me shake my head. Why? Because they CAN do it! Anybody can learn how to do anything if they want it bad enough. This has come up a few times recently in some of my musical circles (many of which involve musical education). The typical classical/western/colonial music system revolves around perfection and hierarchy, which in turn makes people think they aren't "good enough" to make music. Here's an example of something a teacher friend shared recently.There's the old saying "good enough for rock and roll" - I firmly believe that it's the imperfections that make music interesting and more human. And of course that's why you're all here - because RealTracks recorded from real musicians sound more interesting than any perfectly quantized computer-generated alternative. My old school Slovenian father thought anything but polkas and waltzes was not music, and despite sending me to music lessons at age 5 and buying me a guitar for Christmas when I was 11, fought me tooth and nail when I wanted to make music my life's career path. He refused to accept that there are ways to make a living that did not require a time card and a lunch box. He constantly discouraged me, badgered me in fact, from trying to follow my dream. He died during his 73rd year, when I was 39, after telling me on his deathbed that I was an embarrassment to him, that he was disappointed in what I had become, and that he was ashamed to admit that I was his son.
That was the last thing he said to me. I have been carrying that around for 31 years now, and I think about that every day. It will never go away. That man that I revered, that man who shaped me and who by example instilled into me my strong work ethic, died disappointed in me.
I have to go now. Excuse me, I seem to have something in my eye I learned the hard way that the best family is the one you choose. We here at the forums are a family of sorts, and not even a dysfunctional one given some of the responses here. Eddie, get some professional therapy and lose that poisonous baggage... Life is too short, and "this ain't no trial run". Agreed. Mental health is too easy to lose, and too difficult to recover. It is never a bad time to seek some professional help. We all love you Eddie - hell, I love all you guys! You make this job worth getting up for!
I work here
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eddie1261
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eddie1261
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Thanks to everybody for the kind and supportive words. Oddly there are things I took from my upbringing that I wouldn't change. Part of it came from family values, and was enhanced by the time in the military. Like, I am NEVER late. NEVER. I'd rather be 20 minutes early than 1 minute late. Veterans in general share that punctuality. When I was still working, I NEVER took days off. I can't give you a better example that Friday, Jan 25th, 2013. A car crossed a slippery highway during a snow storm and hit me broadside. I had some broken ribs on the left side, some bruised on the right, a bruised sternum from the air bag, small cuts all over my face from the shattered driver's side window, and a concussion from my head striking the passenger side window when the car hit the guard rail and careened back out into the second lane of traffic, spun around 180 degrees. The impact was so hard it knocked both shoes off and somehow I was "squirted" out of my seat belt.
Despite all of that, and given that it was a Friday, I took exactly 2 days off work the next week. As soon as the concussion (and it was a bad one) subsided to where I could drive, I went back to work. My logic was "I can be in pain at home or at the office. The office needs me because nobody will have to pick up my slack." The bosses worked with me to make sure I could sit all day, including bringing me lunch at noon and making sure I had water all day long. That is the work ethic I learned from observing my father. He never took a day off.
I made his disdain for music as a career path a positive. When you factor in how stubborn I am, that drove me to work harder, practice more, and drive band members to get every bit out of all of us that I could. I was going to show him that being in a band was a job like working in a factory, which he did his whole working life. The disconnect first came to a head when I told him, in these words, "You did fine by us. You worked hard to make sure we had a comfortable place to live, food and clothes, as well as finding ways to fund our hobbies. But I am the next generation, and blue collar is not for me. I don't want to be what you were. I have talents you didn't have and you must have known that because you sent me to lessons. Now that I am using that talent to forge out a career you are fighting me."
Then he got sick. His work as a finish buffer of musical instruments exposed him to lacquers and various other chemical compounds, and he ended up with asthma, emphysema, and as a result of smoking WAY too much for 45 years on top of the other stuff, lung cancer. When that happened, he checked out. He gave up and became mad at the world for things that were the result of his conscious choices. I am now 70, just 3 years younger than he was when he died, and never found the urge or desire to even try smoking. I have never touched a drug, even weed, despite being in a place where it grew wild for 18 months. And I am now 28 years beyond the years I drank way too much. Dec 31, 1993 was the last time I had a drink. He blamed everybody for his eventuality, and initially I bought into it. I have come to terms with it for the most part. As I near the end of my own life's journey and have a grasp on what deflection is, I understand why he was like he was. (That was HIS "why". To blame everybody else for his troubles.)
Part of his disdain for me was that I divorced the mother of my children and that was just not something his generation did. Compounding the felony was that I was on the road so much that 2 of his 6 grandchildren, who lived out of state, never came up to visit. Apparently I was supposed to stay with that horrible woman because he wanted me to. Then factor in that I quit the post office, something he thought was a dream job (it wasn't), to pursue music, and that was the next cog in his hate machine.
So yeah, I understand that his not being supportive of my choice or career to the point where he tried to undermine me at every turn was on him and not me. It's just hard to put to rest, and the competitive nature in me has made my inability to write the next White Christmas seem like another failure, like baseball when I was a kid, like relationships in my whole life... when I know in my heart that I am striving
for something that is extremely unlikely if only from a purely statistical perspective. Even if I DID write the next White Christmas it would never get any further than my hard drive because I have no clue how to get it out of my house and on the way to my Grammy Award.
As far as therapy, I have spent my share of time with shrinks and it helped some, but ultimately I am such a competitive person that I even find myself in a competition between the angel on my right shoulder and the devil on my left.
My best friend once told me "You are so stubborn you'd bury yourself alive to prove you know how to use a shovel." And she was right.
You've all seen that come out here from time to time. I am really a good guy with a great sense of humor and a huge heart. It just doesn't always show through.
But I digress, in this thread that largely due to me has gone WAY off track. Thank you all again for your kind words.
So just to appear to be on topic, I like pop music that was pop music when I was in my musically formative years. In the Motown, AWB, EW&F, TOP years.
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Last Chance! The Band-in-a-Box® 2026 for Mac® Special Ends Today (May 31, 2026) at 11:59pm PDT!
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With Band-in-a-Box® 2026, we've released 202 incredible new RealTracks (in sets 468-488) in a variety of genres—featuring your most requested styles!
Jazz, Funk & World (Sets 468-475):
Our new jazz, funk & blues RealTracks include a groovin’ collection of RealTracks and RealDrums! These include more requested “soul jazz” RealTracks featuring artists Neil Swainson (bass), Charles Treadway (organ), Brent Mason (guitar), and Wes Little (drums). There are new “smooth jazz” styles (4), which include a RealTracks first: muted trumpet, as well as slick new smooth jazz brushes options for drums. Blues lovers will be thrilled—there are more “classic acoustic blues” styles, including guitar (5), bass (4), and drums (10) with blues master Colin Linden, featuring understated and tasty background acoustic soloing, plus brushes drums and acoustic bass. There are also new electric blues RealTracks, including electric blues with PG favorite Johnny Hiland (3) and soulful electric slide guitar from Colin Linden (4). If you love funk & gospel, there are great new options this year, including gospel organ (3) from Charles Treadway, as well as new funk, tango, and rock ’n’ roll drums (3) and bass (1). And for big, bold arrangements, we have uptempo soul horns (4) featuring a three-part hip horn section with options for a full mix or stems of each individual horn — plus an accompanying rhythm section (4) of drums, bass, guitar, and electric piano!
Rock & Pop (Sets 476–482):
Our new rock & pop RealTracks bring a powerful mix of requested favorites, fresh genres, and modern chart-inspired styles! We have more of our popular “Producer Layered Acoustic Guitars (15)” featuring Band-in-a-Box favorite Brent Mason. We’ve continued our much-requested disco styles (10), and added new Celtic guitar (5) with a more basic, accessible approach than our previous Drop-D or DADGAD offerings. There are also highly requested yacht rock styles (17), inspired by the smooth, polished soft-rock sound of the late ’70s and early ’80s — laid-back grooves, silky electric pianos, warm textures, elegant harmonic movement, and pristine production aesthetics. Fans of heavier styles will love our new glam metal (13), capturing the flashy, high-energy sound of ’80s arena-ready guitar rock. We also have a set of rootsy modern-folk rock (18), with a warm, organic sound combining contemporary folk textures and driving acoustic strumming. And we’ve added lots of new modern pop styles (16) — the kinds of sounds you’re hearing on the radio today, featuring exciting new drums, synths, and cutting-edge RealTracks arrangements.
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Our new country & Americana RealTracks deliver a rich collection of acoustic, electric, and roots-inspired styles! We have new country pop (9) with legendary guitarist Brent Mason. There is also a potpourri (14) of bouzouki, guitars, banjo, and more, perfect for adding texture and character to contemporary acoustic arrangements. We’ve added funky country guitar (5) with PG favorite Brent Mason, along with classic pedal steel styles (5) featuring steel great Doug Jernigan. There are more country songwriter styles (8) that provide intimate, rootsy foundations for storytelling and modern Americana writing. Finally, we have “background soloing” acoustic guitar (12) with Brent Mason — simpler, but still very tasty acoustic lines designed to sit beautifully behind vocals or act as a subtle standalone solo part.
Check out all the 202 new RealTracks (in sets 468-488)!
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- MIDI Styles Set 92: Look Ma! More MIDI 15: Latin Jazz
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