Ray,
Very cool stuff. A bit more than just a sketch smile
I like it as a whole. Strong lyrics/ phrasing. I read it in the morning, but was guessing what it will sound like within context.
My take.... polish mix, bring out vocals a little and call it done. Your vocals are GOOD! Excellent composition and arrangement too. I really see no point of re-inventing it, at least this version. Again, I think it only needs a mix and maybe optional couple of vocal re-takes. Your voice does work well on it! Good one. Thank you for sharing.

Misha.