James,

I like what you've got going here! The combination of speaking/singing works in this! One thing I picked up on that I would be inclined to do, is develop the chorus a bit more when it says "This is a war zone, Lord" I could easily imagine some lines coming in quick succession, saying similar phrases in every bar for about 4 to 8 bars. That's just my style though and it make not be something that fits your idea for the song. Anyway, I feel you've got a nice song here and hope you end up with what you want!

Thanks, Torrey