I think this is a good song, I like the story and the way you tell it.

The mix does the song not justice, there's lot of potential here:
  • the song sounds almost mono. That's okay for the first 8 bars of the intro, but after that I'd pan at least the 2 rhythm guitars left and right to "open" the soundfield.
  • there's almost no low-end. Bring up the bass and give the kickdrum more juice. The EQ is your friend here.
  • the vocal harmonies are too quiet. The harmonies itself are beautiful, so there's no reason to hide them


But, as I said, I like the song, it's certainly worth the time to revisit the mix.