Originally Posted By: dcuny
...here's some thoughts to ignore: wink

Forget it. I'm here to learn. And this is very detailed feedback. I really appreciate you taking the time to write all this smile

Originally Posted By: dcuny
The first verse piecemeal and not very lyrical. In particular, the first line:

   I do live on thin ice

comes out with long pauses between the first words, and "do" is a filler word.

Yes, that's true. The pauses are intentional to start slowly, and "I'm living on thin ice" had the wrong flow. But that "do" is indeed a bit edgy. I'll try to find something better.

Originally Posted By: dcuny
The lyrics also combined opposing ideas into the same phrase, such as:

   And I never really wanna be a puppet of society
   A minion, someone's property, just to be free

"just to be free" isn't part of the list that it follows, and "to be" without "want" doesn't make much sense.

Here I disagree, the "want" is there: I never really wanna be <e.g. a murderer> in order to be free.
But the "in order" makes that more clear, I think I'll change that.

Originally Posted By: dcuny
The same thing happens in the last chorus, where "that" in one phrase refers to what they "are forced to be", and then is followed by what they are "gonna be":

   With all the freckles on my face
   The hidden ugly side of the human race
   That is what I'm forced to be
   That is what I gonna be, gonna be

Would changing the last line to "This is what I gonna be" make it better?

Originally Posted By: dcuny
Again, not a big deal. Nice work!

Don't worry, my singers are willing to do unlimited retakes.
Good girls... grin

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