Originally Posted By: dcuny
I'll be honest: I'm pretty brutal when it comes to edits and rewrites. For example, I think the first verse would be a lot stronger if you shuffled things around a bit:

   A life that seems so good
   It's just a facade, built on wealth and looks
   Born of insecurity
   I live on thin ice
   The expectations I try to fulfill
   Are not for me, or the person I want to be

But that's not the same as thinking you should actually rewrite it.

Because - for me, anyway - rewriting involves throwing old stuff out, and replacing it with new material. Rhymes and lines I love are tossed out, and although I think I end up with a stronger song, it's not the same song.

I'm not sure that something you want to do.

Thank you so much for taking the time (again) to write such detailed feedback, David. I really appreciate it!
I have absolutely no problem throwing out old stuff (okay, if I have a video with lip-synced animations, I have a problem. A different one though...), so I'm always open to help from others.

In my opinion, if you want to write the best song possible, you should leave your ego in the closet and listen to what others have to offer.
And what you offer here is pretty good, especially the last 2 lines make the first verse much stronger.

If you're fine with it I'll try to change the first verse (I hope I can get all the syllables in), give you co-writing credits and you'll be rich and famous grin

Goldmania Bella
Listen on Spotify
Watch on YouTube
New on YouTube: Deeply Sad Music