Dan,
Ok... I liked were you were going with this. It feels like you need another lead vocal(s) on it. I agree and disagree with David above on backing to a "song". Absolutely it doesn't have to be a lyrical composition, and it's not calling for one.

Have you heard of a composer Karl Jenkins? On several albums he used vocalists that sang melodies / phrases in made up language.
Here is one of the most known:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GCsQZSB1gZg

So... Yours right away ranged some Jenkins bells in my head, but without the lead.

I think for such complex composition, your "fade in" at 2:15 was a bit too abrupt. Either a complete release and then tension, or a hit / break...something else might work better.

But I will state again. I like where you are going with it smile Thank you for sharing.

Misha.