Bass Thumper.
You overthinking this. Really. Drum plugins are very good these days. EzDrummer has a 10 day trial, so as Groove Agent (30 days). That should be enough time to get a taste of it There are tons of drum "grooves" available of all kinds of genres and feels at very fair prices, the ones you don't have to worry about lawyers. You might find something even better than what you are looking for.

I can only speak of drums plugins I have tried, but I am sure EZdrummer has options for swing / humanize and other tools to get very close to where you need to be in composition.

EzDrummer supposedly is "EZ"

Groove Agent's workflow, I believe is a bit more complex (to me), but it has most of things that you can possibly want (hand percussion and electronic drums for example aside from several acoustic kits)

Free is a good price to pay to try either or both of these smile