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enjfb Offline OP
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Hi Everyone,
Here is a song I wrote and played on the CVP 509 digital piano.

http://www.box.net/shared/86rds45urb

The words are:

Stay with You

verse 1
I hunger for your love
As sure as stars above
I want to be with you
You give me your love today
You'll always be this way
You said you wanted me back
Our time apart a setback
Now I'm ready to return
I know my mind's okay
Dreaming the hours away

chorus
I want to come home
Want to stay with you
Stay all the time
I want to come home
Want to stay with you
Stay all the time

verse 2
I know our time has come
Nothing now to overcome
No clouds to hide our love
We'll dance each night away
Each tomorrow a lucky day
We will relax in the sun
Enjoy having so much fun
The sky a beautiful blue
We'll stay together this time
In harmony with perfect rhyme

chorus

solo

chorus

Hope you like it. Comments very much appreciated.

Thanks for listening

Jim

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Hi Jim,

This one sounded a little different from what I have come to anticipate from your treasure chest of musical creations. I like the direction that your production has taken. As I said once before, you sure are prolific at putting out songs. The chorus on this song appeals to me; it works. You sounded really comfortable singing it, too.

I notice that these lyrics are pretty much rhyming couplets pumping out three strong beats per line (from a poetic perspective, I interpret the meter as iambic trimeter). There's nothing wrong with that but it made me wonder if you have you tried varying line length throughout a song? For example, have a verse that mixes lines/phrases with (say) 3 strong beats and 4 strong beats, and possibly even 5 strong beats. Then in the chorus, have lines that are 2 strong beats. I have found that this simple tool can add a whole new power and emotion to lyrics. Here's a link to some thoughts that Pat Pattison has put together on the topic. He explains what I'm trying to say much more clearly.

http://www.patpattison.com/structureexpectations2/

Also, if you're interested, Pat Pattison has written a book especially about lyric movement. I have found it an invaluable asset in my library. I've read it four times and I've done every one of the exercises. I'm presently re-reading this book yet again. The book is called, "Songwriting: Essential Guide to Lyric Form and Structure". It's easily available through Amazon.com.

Overall, though, I've got to say that I admire your creativity, Jim

All the best,
Noel

Last edited by Noel96; 06/16/10 01:00 AM.

MY SONGS...
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Hi Jim, this is a winner in my book, two thumbs up! Great chord progression, backing tracks and outstanding vocals.

The only thing I found a little distracting was that midi distorted guitar lead part. I thought it was a little too harsh sounding for the song. I might replace that with something a little mellower say vibes or a jazz guitar with vibrato or a flute with vibrato; on many patches you can add vibrato via the mod wheel. Again this is just my opinion.

Great job on this one. It’s already in my keeper folder.


The bumper sticker said "I'm a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal".
Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the road.

64 bit Win 10 Pro, the latest BiaB/RB, Roland Octa-Capture audio interface, a ton of software/hardware
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l love the lyrics cause they're so apropos ...however a bit loud for me... and wondering if you have (if you don't already) a compressor-type of algorithm software for final mixes?? You've got lots of talent!!

I'd replace the lead with steel drums...in tribute to the BP Gulf Oil Spill and loss of environment/tourism for who knows how long!?

In fact, this song would be a "perfect lyrical subrosa backround for this evening's soccer-dodgeball speech" from the Oval office.

Last edited by GDaddy; 06/15/10 06:54 AM.
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enjfb Offline OP
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Hi Noel,
I agree with the comments you make about varying line length and thanks for mentioning the book. I did find the book on Amazon. Books on poetry writing techniques are also useful. I do sometimes write with varying length.

Thanks for your very kind comments Noel and I am pleased you enjoyed the song.

Jim

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Hi Mario,
I am very pleased you liked the song - good that you liked the chord progression - 13ths and 9ths important here as they influence the melody and not just colouration.

With respect to the guitar lead - I did try other instruments but did not like what I did for the solo bit. I think I feel okay with the guitar - most of the time anyway. Jazz guitar is a possibility.

Thanks again for listening and your very kind comments

Jim

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Hi GDaddy,
Thanks for your kind comments and pleased you liked it.

I do use izotope alloy for vocal although not too much. Also use ozone 4 for final mix but again not too much.

The BP Gulf Oil Spill is a disaster - both the science and the politics is getting confusing.

Thanks again for listening

Jim

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Hi Jim,

Great song, I especially liked the chorus. Very well done! I agree with MarioD on the lead guitar.

Cheers

Superbron

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Hi Superbron,
Thanks for you very kind comments and pleased you liked the song. I will think about the choice of lead guitar.

Best Regards
Jim

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