My husband died in April with me by his side. HIs organs shut down as cancer consumed his liver. They had him on heavy drugs. He could no longer move or speak and they told me the last to go would be his hearing. So I stroked his arm and spoke to him of good times, how proud I was of him, for him not to worry that I would be okay and it was okay for him to go. His favorite song was Amazing Grace and Elvis was one of his favs so I played an album off youtube on the phone with the young Elvis singing Gospel songs including Amazing Grace. Then I told him I was going to rest for a little while and kissed him.

I had pulled the little recliner as close as I could get it next to his hospital bed. I'd been sleeping there for the past four days. The next thing I knew nurses were crowded around his bed saying his pupils were fixated and his heart had stopped - he was gone at 2 am. I stayed there with his body for a while, stroked his hair and kissed his head one last time. Then a security guard wheelel me holdling our stuff out into the parking lot. And I drove home in the dark. I could barely feel my feet.

I've been through loss. I've written songs about it. I have never felt like this. The pain has been almost unbearable at times. I cry rivers. Anything can set me off. My emotions don't give a crap what my intellect knows. Giant waves of sorrow find me. It was only one year ago he was diagnosed with cancer. The loneliness without his presence here is beyond words.

The GriefShare groups around here had all ended. I'm in an online 13 week group that goes through the summer. Thank God.

As for what's next, with much trepidation I'm likely moving to Kentucky to live in a room at my best girlfriend's house in the fall. I'll miss our home, all our things, and especially my music room. It's like a multiple whammy of grief on grief.

Meanwhile I try to take care of myself physically since I almost died in December. I'm so thankful he didn't have to go through losing me and facing cancer alone. He was so happy I was home that he made us milkshakes every night while we watched the bowl games.
Four months later he's gone. We were together 47 years. LIfe as I knew it, is over.
I know I lived everyday of it but it seems as if it all went by so fast.

PM's are welcome from those who've lived this or if you just want to say something privately.

I thank you in advance for any and all kind thoughts and prayers sent my way.

The song for this thread - Memories. https://youtu.be/v2WrD_gdWVo

Josie

Youtube Channel
Soundcloud