The vibrato on the 1st two lines of each verse seem a little overwrought or uncontrolled - a bit like Springsteen's Thunderland intro but warbly ...sounding weak rather than charming and the bucket of reverb accentuates this.
Those lines would, to me, sound ace if almost whispered.
"It had such simple words...such a childlike rhyme" reads well but using A rather than a makes it less childlike and more affected.
I agree with Floyd about the mid "mud". I think picking a couple of those elements and removing some of the overlapping freqs would see you right.
I really like the spoken/whispered ending though the strings seemed to wimp out as they faded.
Cool melody & that last section did live up to your description of building intensity.

Last edited by rayc; 07/06/23 09:26 PM.
Cheers
rayc
"What's so funny about peace, love & understanding?" - N.Lowe