Originally Posted by Al-David
Hi Noel,

As a WIP, I think you have a terrific foundation to tweak a little bit and take it to its full potential. You asked for comments, and here's what came to mind for me:

1. You have a great message!

2. A suggestion for lyric tweak on the bridge -
You currently have:

Don’t worry if you feel a bit crumpled and broken
And the future looks bleak because the present is woeful
Once you get moving
You get things improving and then, hey presto!
It’s go, go, go

I'm not sold on the broken/woeful rhyme. Here's an alternative to consider:

Don’t worry if you feel a bit crumpled and broken
And the future looks bleak because the present is a FALSE TOKEN
Once you get moving
You get things improving and then, hey presto!
It’s go, go, go

(It's an extra syllable, but when I sang it to myself, it blended fine with the slightest bit of rephrasing)

3. I think the ending piano riff is a bit too "sweet" for the power of the message.

4. I think this is the best vocal I've heard from you in a very long time! It's strong and appropriately provides a somewhat gentle power that emphasizes the "wake up and get your act together" message. I really enjoyed your delivery.

You are a very talented composer and will find those little tweaks that you feel might be needed to really polish this - be it some of these observations or others you might discover yourself.

I hope you find these comments helpful. If not, just throw them in the mirror and see if they disappear. Once you've got a finished product, I'm sure it's going to be a winner!

Take care, my friend.

Alan

Hi Alan smile

Thank you for jumping in the thread. It's always excellent to see/read you. And thank you heaps for your thoughts. You've given me some good ideas and I really appreciate them. I always get caught up in my own thinking and having input from others, helps me broaden my horizons. As as result, I get to see further than my own mind lets me see.

I hope that all is going well for you and Di smile Please say hello to her from me.

All the best of everything,
--Noel

EDIT (December 1): I'm still pondering your thoughts, Alan.Your comments have really got me thinking and I'm sincerely grateful for that smile

Last edited by Noel96; 11/30/23 08:00 AM.
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