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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 169
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 169 |
Hi Everyone, Here is a song I wrote http://www.box.net/shared/gjqmfxkue3I used a BIAB midi style without the piano. I played piano and some guitar on Yamaha CVP509 The words are: I believe you'll be coming home soon Verse 1 I believe you'll be coming home soon It will be like a second honeymoon But you've been away now for so long That's why I'm writing you this song I know you had things to do I know you had places to go And I know you thought we could make do But now it seems so long ago We miss you, the kids and me Life's got as bad as bad can be Only the dog seems to have forgotten you But we think it was a heartless thing to do Chorus Come back girl Come back soon You're still my honey pearl I promise you the moon We'll welcome you home We'll give you smiles Come back home Bring all your smiles Verse 2 I know now how hard it is without you We really have been feeling blue Jimmy has grown so tall Mary asks if you could call The kids don't know why you had to leave They don't really understand why At first they thought it was just make-believe But later realized it was a real goodbye I believe you'll be coming home soon It will be like a second honeymoon But you've been away now for so long That's why I'm writing you this song Chorus Any comments much appreciated Thanks Jim
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Joined: Feb 2003
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Jim, I hope the lyric isn't drawn from real life. If it is, you have my sincere best wishes for some better times ahead! I confess I found it a very depressing listen, sorry.
I've listened a few times so I'll venture some practical (I hope!) suggestions.
- The guitar that comes in halfway through and then exits and re-enters, is far too distorted for a slow ballad, I couldn't discern what it was doing, so I don't think it added anything really. I know you were trying to add some interest and it was exactly the right place to do this but strings would have been a lot better.
- Vocals: you have a tendancy to sing too close to the mic and to sing quietly as a result, as if your studio is in a room next to one with people you don't want to overhear! This makes delivery almost break down into talking, and it sounds very dreary, sorry. I'd like to hear your voice if you stood back, reset the recording levels and sang at a decent volume. I think untapped timbres might come into play then and it would sound a lot more committed and energetic.
- Lyrics: You need to do more 'show' and less 'tell', i.e. let the listener empathise with your thoughts and emotions by giving them some metaphors and similes to ponder on, rather than just the straight facts. Oh, the line "Only the dog seems to have forgotten you" is crammed in badly - sticks out as odd.
- Closing guitar solo: Good idea, but the notes must not be bluesy on a song like this, that doesn't work. The first five notes climb was great, and more in that vein would have been just the job.
- Drums: I think natural drums would be a better choice than electronic.
- Final chord cut off: On a song with a sentiment like this I would expect the last chord to ring on for at least a couple of bars. The end was too abrupt.
John
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 169
Apprentice
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OP
Apprentice
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 169 |
Hi John,
Thanks for listening and taking a lot of trouble to comment - it is good to have your comments.
It is not a personal story John - I simply imagined the situation.
Yes I know what you mean about the distorted guitar coming in during the second verse - the reason I put it in was to suggest a certain anger. I could use strings as you suggest but that would provide a different mood.
I take your point about the vocals - I did get close to the mic for this one since I was attempting a sad voice lol.
I like the lyrics - each line provides more information and more sadness and tells more than it says. Yes the dog line was a bit crammed in as you say - need to work on that.
I take your point about bluesy notes not appropriate.
Yes natural drums I think would be better
Thanks again for your very useful comments
Jim
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