Hi, James.

A very pretty song.

I agree with others that it's too staccato in places, and a bit stilted in places.

OK, since you asked for ALL I'm going to be ruthlessly honest here: except for the chorus, the words seem to be set haphazardly. If there's a rhyme of reason to it, I'm not seeing it. It's cool, but using a synthetic voice emphasizes the effect, and I'm left wondering if you're just trying to set up strong contrast between the verse and chorus, or... I'm not sure.

I'll admit, the line "I wish..." is actually really effective being held out. But the rest of it? Some words are short, some are long, and none of it is sounds much like actual speech. I sort of wonder what your intent on the poor, lazy listener like me is. I feel a bit like I've wandered into an avant-garde composition. Which you can do, because it's your song and I know you've got real composition credentials, unlike some of us. wink

And then it gets to the chorus, where you go into a regular pattern, as if to say: See! I can do that old boring rhyme pattern when I want to.

You mentioned you didn't know what to cut from the lyrics, but you've got an instrumental section. Those are the first things you can drop. (Unless you're a lead guitarist, because then it's the whole point of the song).

There are some suspect lyrics, like: And the world will stop to spin

"the world will stop to spin" is a contradiction. Then again, the world would be a poorer place if everything had to be strictly literal. wink

The following line: When our lives are up/I will gladly take that cup

sounds like it exists just to complete the rhyme. And that phrase is much too low for the vocalist. Ironically, the line "And fly with you into the aether." would normally be written as an upward melody to create a parallel with the lyric. But no, you've got to be a rebel!

This isn't an intent to tell you what you should or shouldn't have done - just some thoughts as I listened.

Anyway, I enjoyed the song, and hope you don't take any of this feedback too seriously. smile

-- David Cuny
My virtual singer development blog

Vocal control, you say. Never heard of it. Is that some kind of ProTools thing?