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Soundcloud - Artefacts (now with a chorus)

When I originally posted this song here, I had a recurring instrumental motif instead of a chorus, for the excuses listed in the original post. Thanks to Izzy Seriass ...
Originally Posted by Izzy
… That “chorus”, though… it’s as catchy as a cold in winter, but it's playing it a little safe. It’s more of a recurring motif than a fully realized chorus, and I think a proper chorus would really elevate the song. You've already handled the often-tricky bridge, which is a huge plus. So, what we have here is a cracking good song... just needs a chorus that isn't afraid to show off a bit! (IMO, of course, because my musical opinions are older than sliced bread.)
... who encouraged me to add a chorus, I have now uploaded a new version to Soundcloud, but no Youtube yet.

The song is in in E major, but I wanted to do something a bit different for the chorus - I just felt more of E major might lose something (is it writer’s fatigue?), so the chorus jumps to F# major, then back to E major for the verses and bridge and outro. I’ve retained the original instrumental motif for the intro and the outro.

Other than that, all the normal shortcomings of my songcraft and production are there. laugh

****** BIAB Song Summary *************
Title: Artefacts
Soloist is saved with the song : Pop 16th. Guitar (126)
Style is =AGRASCL.STY (Slow Ballad Strummed Guitar)
Style MIDI Instruments are : Acoustic Piano (1),
RealTracks in song: 784:Bass, Electric, PopCrossover Sw16 075 – used in the chorus only – my own bass in intro, verses, bridge and outro
RealTracks in style: 625:Guitar, Acoustic, Strumming Rascal Sw 075 – not used – my own guitars used throughout
RealTracks in song: 1159:Organ, B3, Rhythm ReggaeSlow Sw 075
RealDrums in style:NashvilleSwing16^4-a:HiHat, Sidestick , b:Snare, Hihat

LYRICS

INTRO

VERSE 1
I’ve become a different kind of man
With my relics and artefacts on hand
Excavated from the past describing who I am
Manuscripts and carvings in the clay
The key to deciphering who I am today

CHORUS 1
What have I become now that I’m old
Has my character withstood the test of time?
Will I find there are artefacts of gold
And will I be pleased to say they’re mine?

VERSE 2
I was quite reserved when I was young
Occasionally I’d talk out of turn
Now I look myself up and down, via objects buried low
I created them, collected on the road
Testaments to shaping me. Where did that young man go?

CHORUS 2
What have I become now that I’m old
Has my character withstood the test of time?
Will I find there are artefacts of gold
And will I be pleased to say they’re mine?

BRIDGE
Things have not come easy I’ve worked hard
I feel unsettled now with what I have become
Bring back that younger man with pieces of yesterday
And hoping that the artefact is me

OUTRO

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Originally Posted by Andrew Dee
Soundcloud - Artefacts (now with a chorus)

When I originally posted this song here, I had a recurring instrumental motif instead of a chorus, for the excuses listed in the original post. Thanks to Izzy Seriass ...
[quote=Izzy] … That “chorus”, though… it’s as catchy as a cold in winter, but it's playing it a little safe. It’s more of a recurring motif than a fully realized chorus, and I think a proper chorus would really elevate the song. You've already handled the often-tricky bridge, which is a huge plus. So, what we have here is a cracking good song... just needs a chorus that isn't afraid to show off a bit! (IMO, of course, because my musical opinions are older than sliced bread.)
... who encouraged me to add a chorus, I have now uploaded a new version to Soundcloud, but no Youtube yet. ⎜ big ✂ snip ⎜.............................................


Andrew,

The alchemical process of songwriting can be a brutal affair . By the time I'm done, my own ears are ringing with Stockholm Syndrome. That's when the long-suffering significant other is dragged in for the "forest for the trees" analysis (usually involving sighs and pointed glances at the clock). 🙄

But your "Artefacts" was different. I saw a Formula 1 machine, sleek and powerful, just aching for that final, glorious surge. I'm flattered you considered my humble tinkering suggestions. And now? Well, now it's a bespoke banger of a tune that's practically demanding a podium finish. Congratulations on unleashing the beast! 👍

Izzy.

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I like this a lot, Andrew. There's a Bowie-esque, Who-esque quality. The lyrics are very thought-provoking. It's so awesome to see how another member's suggestions can be just the thing that bring a tune out of its shell.

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Originally Posted by BYOBand
… It's so awesome to see how another member's suggestions can be just the thing that bring a tune out of its shell.
Yes I agree - this is what the forum’s purpose is. I am loving that I found it - hearing other people’s gems that inspire new songs in me, and hearing my songs and making great suggestions for improvement.
Andrew D

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Originally Posted by Izzy
… And now? Well, now it's a bespoke banger of a tune that's practically demanding a podium finish. Congratulations on unleashing the beast!
Thanks for your help Izzy!

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Yep, as others have said, quite Bowie-esque.
The key changes are exactly what the song needed to be special.
Really good [Linked Image - Only viewable when logged in]

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Good lyrics, the chorus is fine, overall a solid effort. And yes, a bit of Bowie in it. Well done.


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Andrew

Well done
Nice use of BIAB
Good vocals
Nicely mixed

Enjoyed the listen

.fj

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Wow, what a cool transition, Andrew. THANKS, Izzy, and well done, Andrew. I like the key change --it sets it off nicely. Well mixed, played and sung too.


Enjoy whatever happens!
marty

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Andrew, I like this a lot better than the original, and I liked the original.
Adding that chorus key change did the trick, it took a good song and made it a great song.
I really liked this version


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Hi Andrew,

I didn't hear the original, but this sure sounds great! I have several songs in which I changed key for the chorus and/or bridge. It's pretty cool when it works - and it works perfectly here

Nice write, nice arrangement, great sound! A very nice listen!

Alan


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Well, I'll go with Bowie fronting Split Enz. Deliciously offbeat and undeniably cool. Sounds really nice, too. Great vocals and vocal layering. Super song!

I learn a lot from posters on this forum, too. They're a good bunch of folks.


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I like the chorus and the key change works smoothly. I agree with BYOB that this is Bowie-esque, very much so. Well done!

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Originally Posted by BYOBand
I like this a lot, Andrew. There's a Bowie-esque, Who-esque quality.
Originally Posted by B.D.Thomas
Yep, as others have said, quite Bowie-esque.
Originally Posted by TuneMonger
And yes, a bit of Bowie in it. Well done.
Originally Posted by Floyd jane
Nice use of BIAB, Good vocals, Nicely mixed, Enjoyed the listen .fj
Originally Posted by BabuMusic
Wow, what a cool transition, Andrew. THANKS, Izzy, and well done, Andrew. I like the key change --it sets it off nicely.
Originally Posted by MarioD
Adding that chorus key change did the trick, it took a good song and made it a great song. I really liked this version
Originally Posted by Al-David
I didn't hear the original, but this sure sounds great! I have several songs in which I changed key for the chorus and/or bridge. It's pretty cool when it works - and it works perfectly here
Originally Posted by DC Ron
Well, I'll go with Bowie fronting Split Enz. Deliciously offbeat and undeniably cool. … I learn a lot from posters on this forum, too. They're a good bunch of folks.
Originally Posted by Ezekiel's Storm
I agree with BYOB that this is Bowie-esque, very much so. Well done!

Thank you everyone for your generous comments. Bowie with a dash of Split Enz? I'm not worthy, but they both had significant impact on my early listening years. As you hear more of my songs, you'll find I'm not averse to straying outside the diatonic. And thanks again to Izzy for his gentle nudge to do more, and wholeheartedly agree with DC Ron regarding this forum. I discovered it way too late.
Andrew D

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