Not a bad song, could have a bit more variety (different drums, an extra instrument here or there) between the verses and the chorus to make it more interesting.
As for writing in another language, I always check here that what I write is really what I mean smile
Not perfect, but helps a lot.
Also, if you add the lyrics to your forum post, other forum members will be able to spot problems more easily.

And last but not least, if you want more feedback on your songs, it helps to comment on other members' songs.
That's what the forum is for.