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Hello Tano, Wao, Janne, Andrew and Noel, Thanks for your very nice comments on my song. I’m still on holidays (traveling around in Belgium a France), so not always able to respond to you and the forum. But I enjoy what you all wrote! What I liked most about this was your vocal doubling at the chorus, very effective. Kudos to you for changing up the key and the instruments to get what you needed—that really shows mastery of BIAB toolkit. Enjoyed my listen!! Hi Tano, thanks! I was hesitating about adding that delay in the chorus (last line), but it turned out nice. And you noticed it 😄 Lovely production and instrumentation in this theme-wise sad but oh too real song. Great use of the strings. I totally empathise with the lyrics. Today's faux democracies - the marriage of the corporate and the state and little to do with citizens - have always been insane and it's just getting worse. Writing as a qualified counsellor and someone who's studied analytical psychology and human consciousness for decades I can say, as others have, that it's all literally insane. There aren't any good guys in white hats anymore. Hello Wao, thanks a lot for your reply. Your last line could be used as a title for a song. Very nice (and sad at the same time)! I love strings and add them to my songs when possible. In my first version I let the girl die, but then changed my mind; maybe keeping some hope in the song was a better image… What a sad world we live in, you have captured that feel with heartbreaking lyrics. "No color left to witness/just ashes, black and grey/I hear the moans of fallen souls/their sounds won’t drift away" - that's really touching. And "Why do we follow these sick minds?", that's the question I've asked many times...
Nice arrangement, cello always works for me, fits well with the dramatic content. Guaranteed Hans vocals with strong emotion, the second voice creates nice contrast.
I'm really glad that you are back, I truly appreciate how you have shared your feelings with such a very fundamental song. I can feel the same disbelief.
Janne Hi Janne, what a nice and thoughtful response! Yes, more and more I become amazed (or angry) about the politicians we have in this world. Luckily there are good ones too, but the course of the world lies more in the hands of the evil ones. Whatever, we can make songs about it… And I am glad you like it and we share the same feelings. Thanks, Janne! Hi Hans!
It doesn’t feel right to comment on how good the music was when the message in the lyrics is so important. Both are good, and the music serves the message very well.
Andrew Hello Andrew, for me it feels right you did comment on the song 😁 But of course I know what you mean. Thanks! Hi Hans.
This is one of the most powerful songs that I have heard on this forum. I found it impossible to listen to without images of the devastation of Palestine and its people cycling through my mind.Your chorus is incredible, and your production soars. Incredible work! This is the kind of song I would love to be able to write but my ability seems to reach a roadblock every time I try to. Kudos on a fantastic effort.
--Noel Wow, Noel, that is a huge compliment! Thanks for that. On the other hand it is also sad that we have to make these kind of songs, don’t you agree? And I think, that ‘roadblock’, you mentioned, appears every time you (or I) press yourself too hard. What made it easier for me, was making the topic ‘small’, like that barefooted girl in a filthy dress, instead of a whole country. Well…it’s a bit more complicated than this of course (I had a lot of versions of the song), but it works good as a start. So, thanks again everyone. I wish you all a very nice day! Hans
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Glad you're back. I always look forward to listening to your music. This image says it all: "She wears a torn, dirty white dress/And no shoes at her feet." Instrumentation is a perfect fit, and I especially like that violin, which adds the right emotional tone.
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Hans,
It’s good to see you back on the board. Always a fan of your stuff and your vocal. I general don’t gravitate towards “message” songs, but I think, as you say, that’s this is very accessible and balanced . . . so I enjoyed it a lot. The production elements all sound stellar to me, so no suggestions there. Excellent harmonies!! Terrific work on this!
Deej
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Hi David, Marty, Janice and Bud, BYO, Brno and Ray, Thank you for your nice and also informative responses on the song. I am still on holidays and not always able to respond quickly. And with this post I was already halfway and then did something wrong and skipped it by mistake 😭 Hi, Hans. Excellent work. Good write, well produced. The arrangement and vocals are very effective. Purely my opinion, but I'd want to leave the listener with the final words "dirty white dress" in their ears, instead of worrying about a nice cadence. So I'd cut it around 3:40, or 3:48 as the most. The longer it goes until the final ending, the further away those words are from being the last thought. There are a few places where the language isn't that of a native English speaker. For example: I walk through a destructed land,
and a city torn apart.
The dead and wounded are everywhere,
no tree still stands in heart.The word "destructed" is understandable, but wouldn't be used. A more typical word would be "destroyed" or "ravaged". Something like Rhymezone to check for synonyms. On the other hand, there's something unique about using language slightly differently than expected. So it's your call - is it more important to speak in your own voice and perhaps call attention from the song to your words, or find something more "normal" that perhaps isn't as unique? Obviously, it's your call. The line no tree still stands in heart is a bit confusing, because whatever the trees are no in the heart of isn't there in the sentence. Then again, maybe you intended to be ambiguous. The lyric What kind of world I live in? should probably be What kind of world do I live in? It's understandable as-is, but again, calls attention to itself because of the non-standard construction. Just some thoughts. I think the song works very well as-is. Hi David, I think you’re right about the use of my English. I have tried to avoid mistakes in the lyrics and used ChatGpt for that. At first I wrote the lyrics in Dutch and let ChatGpt do the translation and rhyming. It came up with that line about the trees. I was hesitating using it, because it did not seem to be what I meant, but, as I said, I was hesitating. Maybe it was a proper English verb… Now I understand it can confuse people… The word ‘devastated’ was my choice. It is another word than ‘destroyed’, but has the same meaning. Like in Dutch you have similar words for the same situation and this one sounded smoother. But you were right and now everyone knows I am no Englishman 😩 About the ending of the song; yes, I could have ended it right after the last spoken words, but it was my choice to let the last chords ‘underline’ the image of that girl in her dress and no shoes at her feet. A symbol of the suffering in so many warzones in the world… Thanks for all your research and advice about the song, David! Hi, Hans. You already know how much I love this beautifully sad song, so I'm here just to see how our forum friends love it too. You actually pull heavy feelings of concern from my chest with this one. Like Mario said, the big concern is for the kids --they don't understand what's going on. Also, how does the world they grow up in shape their expectations of what life is all about? I also like David's suggestion to leave the listener with the image of that dazed and frightened little girl in her dirty white dress.
Oh, and just for the record, let me reiterate... Dang, Hans, you know I always love your Lennon-like vocals, but this one grabs my soul. You are a master of dynamics in your music to keep the listener listening. But with this one the dynamics are in the lyrics --or more especially what they imply, how they make the listener think. Yeah, yeah, you included the best possible band and all that, but it's the message you send that makes the song special. Hi Marty, thanks for these very kind words! Yes, I often send you songs that are in their early stages. I appreciate the time you take to listen to them, although those early versions were often a bit ‘edgy’. And I understand you join David in the suggested ending of the song, still I hope you also understand the reasons for my choice in this matter 😎 Welcome back, John! 😉
Very tasteful band and the cello and fiddle were especially nice.
Your layered vocals are very effective in imagining the scenery of the narrative.
The powerful lyric and in particular the chorus stay with you.
Due to wars and Mother Nature’s wrath we started years ago supporting the charity, Save The Children.
We encourage everyone to check them out as they provide much needed help globally and are well reviewed.
Well done!
J&B Hi J&B, thanks for your nice comment. And yes, I did my very best to return as a ‘John’, but to be honest, his vocals are never in my mind when I am writing or singing songs (but don’t tell anyone…). My wife and I have never noticed any similarity, but I am pleased you and Marty do! When I was writing the song, I became a bit uneasy with the band I had. My wife and some friends who listened to those versions were very positive about it. I was the only one who wasn’t anymore. So I changed the whole band and added the cello and violin, and in the background some synth loops and some vocals. It fits more with the narrative, I think. And you noticed it, thanks. Are you still supporting that charity? What a nice thing, but also depressing when you can see around you it’s needed now more than ever and in a lot more countries… Not an easy subject to put to music, but it brings to mind Queen & Bowie's Under Pressure. You did an awesome job. The strings were a great choice to bring the gravitas. I don't find it simple; I find it well-suited...eloquent. And sad. Wow, you made some comparisons. Thank you for that! I’m flattered. And you’re right about the functionality of the strings… An important issue and well executed production. Thanks a lot for your comment, Brno! A fabulous return to duty Hans. All ACE.
The use of "destructed" was interesting - I didn't know that the slang term had achieved dictionary status. Hi Ray, there was a song called ‘eve of destruction’ and I thought I can do better than that. So now you may use this word as well in your lyrics. It sound smoother than ‘destroyed’, don’t you agree? And thanks about the ‘ACE’ award🤩 Well, I hope this long reply was still worth reading! Thanks and till next time, Hans
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Hi Al, TM, Scott and Deej, Thanks for listening to this sad song. I enjoyed your comments. It took me some time to comment on them, because I was on holidays. Now I'm home again. A lot easier to respond from behind my pc. Hans,
A strong message wrapped in excellent, foreboding music. The layered vocals are nice. The strings, particularly the cello, were real nice.
Outstanding lyric. I'm a disabled Vietnam vet and seen a lot of what you described. A different time and a different conflict, but war is so cruel no matter when and where.\\Well done.
Alan Hi Alan, I didn't know you served in Vietnam. That was an impressive war (from all perspectives...). I was living in Curaçao when many American warships were returning from Vietnam. We always picked up a few soldiers who were on board to give them a fun day. I heard many stories and was quite impressed, although they kept their stories polite for a young boy like me. But they enjoyed spending that fun day with us. I thought it was because I was a very sweet boy, but later I became suspicious and think it was because of my two beautiful sisters. Anyway, they impressed me with their stories, and afterward, I read a lot about that war, saw many movies, and I thought it must have been a difficult time for those young men from the US. Of course, for the other side as well, but those were tough times. But luckily, you can still make beautiful songs, Al! And thanks for your compliments on my song. Nice job, Hans. Tragic that we even have to write songs like this. I felt like some of the words didn't quite fit melodically, but you did a great job of singing them into shape and the end result was pretty good. Of course, I'm impressed with your English in general. Good vocal, good song, good work. Hello TM, thanks for your comment. I'm curious what you meant by "the words didn't quite fit melodically." I agree that I used some words that Americans don't use, but I chose them (at first) because I thought they were good English and (secondly) because they sounded more melodic. For example, I preferred the word "devastated" over "destroyed" because it sounded smoother and had more rhythm. But all of you who mentioned my gramar, helped me to improve my skills on that. So thanks! Glad you're back. I always look forward to listening to your music. This image says it all: "She wears a torn, dirty white dress/And no shoes at her feet." Instrumentation is a perfect fit, and I especially like that violin, which adds the right emotional tone. Hi Scott, what a nice compliment from you, although it's also the other way around. I like your songs too! Deej[/quote] Hans,
It’s good to see you back on the board. Always a fan of your stuff and your vocal. I general don’t gravitate towards “message” songs, but I think, as you say, that’s this is very accessible and balanced . . . so I enjoyed it a lot. The production elements all sound stellar to me, so no suggestions there. Excellent harmonies!! Terrific work on this!
Deej Hi Deej, I can say the same to you as I did to Scott. Where I differ from you is that I do like songs with a message, as long as it's not too heavy. I like working with "images," like in this case that dress and no shoes in the rubble. And thanks for your compliment on the song's production. If I tell you how many versions I tried... And the last one was with cello and violin. All the others weren't. So, I also like sculpting ;-) Thanks everyone, and have a nice day, Hans
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