Hi Robb,
Maybe I can help since you asked. First, the disclaimer, if you're writing simply for your own pleasure and you like it - it's fine.

Otherwise, this is a poem being sung. Esoteric lyrics in poetry don't translate well into song lyrics. Most songs are written with everyday language so people can sing along and remember the lyrics easily.

The challenge in writing lyrics is to make it descriptive using conversational and common language. The more you can do this the more people will understand and relate to what your song is saying. Listen to the lyrics of your favorite songs.

Don't feel singled out. Most people coming into songwriting from a poetry background face this same issue. There are some excellent books by Jason Blume and Sheila Davis if you want to learn the craft of lyric writing. You'll likely do quite well at it if you choose to as you'll learn to channel your poetic creativity into lyrics.

Hope that helps. All the best.

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