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#607955 - 07/25/20 01:32 PM [User Showcase] Your Paradise - Feb 2020 Translitic song sketch - Actionable Feedback Welcome
Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 88
Loc: Texas, United States
TexasFrets Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 88
Loc: Texas, United States
YouTube: Your Paradise - Translitic Song Sketch
SoundCloud: Your Paradise - Translitic Song Sketch



July 25 2020 - Your Paradise - Feb 2020 Translitic song sketch

===========================
TITLE: Your Paradise

===========================
TRACK & SONG INFO

Bass - 1122: Bass, Acoustic, CountryWaltz Sw 110
Accordion - 3045: Accordion, Rhythm KlezmerPopWaltz Ev 110
Drums - RealDrums=PopRockWaltzBrushes Ev: a: Brushes b: PopRockWaltz
Guitar - 1181:Guitar, Acoustic, Fingerpicking PopWaltz Ev 120

ev8, ¾, Cm, 110

In addition to the BIAB tracks above, I added the following:

Midi drum track in Superior Drummer
Midi bass track in Trilian
Keys (ethereal) track using Ethereal Earth in Kontakt
Keys (carnival) track using Kinetic Toys Carnival in Kontakt
Acoustic gypsy jazz guitar strumming track
Adjustments to the BIAB guitar track (and played over the top of it to make it sound more authentic)

===========================
VIDEO:

Me in my closet with a video overlay of a carousel near the Eiffel Tower.
===========================
LYRICS:

Draft 6

Send me a lover, send her tonight--
restless deeds, candy bowl full of lies
Take my hands, fold them hard so they pray
I won’t go down to a darkened grave

Won’t you take me to paradise
Soil in my heart but there’s fuel in my veins
I want to burn
with you tonight
I want to burn
in your paradise

Grim marginalia--all these letters I write
Shaky time capsules--words frozen in flight
These worn yellow pages with their torn paper smiles
Caramelized wishes and crushed china dolls.

Won’t you take me to paradise
Soil in my heart but there’s fuel in my veins
I want to burn
with you tonight
I want to burn
in your paradise

Lime and gin, now we’re both dining thin,
eat that slaughtered meat of Christ’s broken limbs
See that b*tch of a sun, she’s sliding forward to greet
a new day of sins played out in the street

Won’t you take me to paradise
Soil in my heart but there’s fuel in my veins
I want to burn
with you tonight
I want to burn
in your paradise

Won’t you take me to paradise
Soil in my heart but there’s fuel in my veins
I want to burn
with you tonight
I want to burn
in your paradise


Edited by TexasFrets (07/25/20 01:59 PM)

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#607967 - 07/25/20 03:32 PM [User Showcase] Re: Your Paradise - Feb 2020 Translitic song sketch - Actionable Feedback Welcome [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 09/02/18
Posts: 1067
Loc: Denmark
Will Josef Offline
Expert

Registered: 09/02/18
Posts: 1067
Loc: Denmark
Very nice song! The video is a bit quirky, but it fitted with song in a strange and unexpected way.

I love this part of your lyrics:

I want to burn
with you tonight
I want to burn
in your paradise

Well written!
Will

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#608005 - 07/25/20 06:05 PM [User Showcase] Re: Your Paradise - Feb 2020 Translitic song sketch - Actionable Feedback Welcome [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 12/06/03
Posts: 3638
Loc: Sydney Australia
PeterF Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/06/03
Posts: 3638
Loc: Sydney Australia
Nice atmospheric song, very evocative.

Excellent vocal and mix and video.

Well done all round.

Peter

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#608020 - 07/25/20 09:51 PM [User Showcase] Re: Your Paradise - Feb 2020 Translitic song sketch - Actionable Feedback Welcome [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 04/13/16
Posts: 2277
Loc: Stanwell Park NSW Australia
rayc Offline
Veteran

Registered: 04/13/16
Posts: 2277
Loc: Stanwell Park NSW Australia
I'm probably corny, I know but, I did want to hear a little fairground/merry go round twinkling with the melody a little more clearly just here n there.
Part Tom Waites, Part Richard Hawley all very good.
There's the occasional phrasing spot that I'd tweak but that's me.
I'd also like a solo with a little aggression or bite just for a moment so that the ignition and the extinguishing were represented.
VERY cool.
_________________________
Cheers
rayc
"What's so funny about peace, love & understanding?" - N.Lowe
Pop on over to The Recording Rebels for positive, honest commentary, critiques and support. https://therecordingrebels.com

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#608040 - 07/26/20 05:45 AM [User Showcase] Re: Your Paradise - Feb 2020 Translitic song sketch - Actionable Feedback Welcome [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 08/10/12
Posts: 8444
Loc: Florida
floyd jane Offline
Veteran

Registered: 08/10/12
Posts: 8444
Loc: Florida
Todd,

Another good one.

Your lyric "process" produces vivid, interesting phrases and lines. I like it.

The music is well put together and nicely balanced. I thought the accordion could have been slightly louder.

Good vocal. Beefy and warm.

As Ray says, there is a (early) Tom Waits-ness to this (a good thing) - though a much better vocal smile

Cool stuff.

fj

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#608059 - 07/26/20 07:33 AM [User Showcase] Re: Your Paradise - Feb 2020 Translitic song sketch - Actionable Feedback Welcome [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 05/27/19
Posts: 479
BabuMusic Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 05/27/19
Posts: 479
A wonderful song, and so well sung. I like the carousel feel and sound, and agree it could be a bit louder in the mix. Still, subtle works well, too.
_________________________
Enjoy whatever happens!
marty

Babu Music on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLDrsXTXfShgnGalQZ0ElQw
Me on SoundCloud: https://soundcloud.com/marty-straub
My website: http://martystraub.com/

using Band in a Box & Cakewalk

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#608186 - 07/26/20 09:11 PM [User Showcase] Re: Your Paradise - Feb 2020 Translitic song sketch - Actionable Feedback Welcome [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 04/02/19
Posts: 166
Loc: Canberra, Australia
Leon1 Offline
Apprentice

Registered: 04/02/19
Posts: 166
Loc: Canberra, Australia
Very nice, Todd.
I'm sure the echos of Tom Waits are no accident (love that bit of growl in your vocal) and personally I think the song would be even better with a hint of discord, as per much of his later work. But if smooth is what you were going for, you nailed it. Much enjoyed.
Regards,
Leon

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#608198 - 07/27/20 03:39 AM [User Showcase] Re: Your Paradise - Feb 2020 Translitic song sketch - Actionable Feedback Welcome [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 94
Gary Weder Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 94
Hi Todd.
Brilliant song , loved it.

I'm a bit worried about you stuck in that closet. smile

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#608264 - 07/27/20 03:45 PM [User Showcase] Re: Your Paradise - Feb 2020 Translitic song sketch - Actionable Feedback Welcome [Re: Will Josef]
Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 88
Loc: Texas, United States
TexasFrets Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 88
Loc: Texas, United States
Originally Posted By: Will Josef
Very nice song! The video is a bit quirky, but it fitted with song in a strange and unexpected way.

I love this part of your lyrics:

I want to burn
with you tonight
I want to burn
in your paradise

Well written!
Will


Hey, Will. I'm glad you like those parts of the lyric. Yeah, the video is pretty quirky. I had an hour deadline before my video/song was due for my songwriting group, and this was my quick 30 min attempt at something to turn in. I ended up liking it though in all its weirdness. I imagine if I actually released this song, I'd have a better, more thought-out video. Thanks so much for listening and for your comments.

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#608271 - 07/27/20 04:52 PM [User Showcase] Re: Your Paradise - Feb 2020 Translitic song sketch - Actionable Feedback Welcome [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 12/27/03
Posts: 14098
Loc: Hamlin NY
MarioD Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/27/03
Posts: 14098
Loc: Hamlin NY
I really like this. Your vocal was excellent as were your lyrics. I liked the backing tracks and everything was mixed to perfection.

This is a very good song.
_________________________
It has been a joy being quarantined with my wife. We've caught up on all the things I have done wrong in our 53 years of marriage!

64 bit Win 10 Pro, the latest BiaB and RB, Roland Octa-Capture audio interface, a ton of software and some hardware.

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#608354 - 07/28/20 09:09 AM [User Showcase] Re: Your Paradise - Feb 2020 Translitic song sketch - Actionable Feedback Welcome [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 12/05/11
Posts: 9044
Loc: GA USA
Janice & Bud Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/05/11
Posts: 9044
Loc: GA USA
Fascinating...

The method of writing And resulting lyric

The arrangement

The Waits like vocal

All the tracks - RT’s and your additions

The closet vid

And to all the fascinating aspects we’ll add kudos for all the creativity!

J&B

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#608357 - 07/28/20 09:40 AM [User Showcase] Re: Your Paradise - Feb 2020 Translitic song sketch - Actionable Feedback Welcome [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 04/03/09
Posts: 7118
Guitarhacker Offline
Veteran

Registered: 04/03/09
Posts: 7118
That's good. I love the lyrical crafting involved. Those verses.... Wow!

Kinda like a sad gypsy clown melody going on... Reminds me of Tom Waits meets Cirque du Solei in a French cafe.

Really interesting song you got there
_________________________
You can find my music at:
www.herbhartley.com

Add nothing that adds nothing to the music.


As the sword chooses the warrior, so too, the song chooses the writer.

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#608446 - 07/28/20 10:07 PM [User Showcase] Re: Your Paradise - Feb 2020 Translitic song sketch - Actionable Feedback Welcome [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 01/01/17
Posts: 449
Loc: Queensland, Australia
mkg50 (Mike G) Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 01/01/17
Posts: 449
Loc: Queensland, Australia
Good song and performance, with fascinating lyrics. Love the Tom Waits influence.
The best comment so far: "Reminds me of Tom Waits meets Cirque du Solei in a French cafe" (from Guitarhacker).
Cheers,
Mike
_________________________
Mike Garry
BIAB/RealBand 2019(5) UltraPlusPak, Kontakt 5, Kontakt 6 Player, EZmix, Hybrid 3, Audacity, Acer Predator, Windows 10, 64bit, 16GB ram, CPU: Intel i7.

https://soundcloud.com/user-952388172

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#608724 - 07/30/20 02:33 PM [User Showcase] Re: Your Paradise - Feb 2020 Translitic song sketch - Actionable Feedback Welcome [Re: PeterF]
Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 88
Loc: Texas, United States
TexasFrets Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 88
Loc: Texas, United States
Originally Posted By: PeterF
Nice atmospheric song, very evocative.

Excellent vocal and mix and video.

Well done all round.

Peter


Thanks, Peter, for your kind and supportive words. I'm really happy you like it. Thanks for giving it a listen. Cheers, Todd

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#609198 - 08/02/20 06:24 PM [User Showcase] Re: Your Paradise - Feb 2020 Translitic song sketch - Actionable Feedback Welcome [Re: rayc]
Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 88
Loc: Texas, United States
TexasFrets Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 88
Loc: Texas, United States
Originally Posted By: rayc
I'm probably corny, I know but, I did want to hear a little fairground/merry go round twinkling with the melody a little more clearly just here n there.
Part Tom Waites, Part Richard Hawley all very good.
There's the occasional phrasing spot that I'd tweak but that's me.
I'd also like a solo with a little aggression or bite just for a moment so that the ignition and the extinguishing were represented.
VERY cool.


Thanks so much, Ray, for your kind words. I've definitely thought about putting more of the fairground/merry go round music in there. I'll give that a try and see how it turns out.

Tom Waits came to mind when I was writing this--and obviously there is something of him in this particular voice I'm using. I hadn't heard of Richard Hawley though, and I'm thankful for you putting me onto him. I've been listening to him throughout the day and really enjoy his music.

I also felt like some of the phrasing needs to be tweaked. Some places my Tom Waitsy voice breaks into a different voice.

I also like your suggestion of a solo. I'll see what I come up with.

Thanks again for listening and for all your wonderful suggestions.

Cheers!

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#609427 - Yesterday at 02:23 PM [User Showcase] Re: Your Paradise - Feb 2020 Translitic song sketch - Actionable Feedback Welcome [Re: floyd jane]
Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 88
Loc: Texas, United States
TexasFrets Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 88
Loc: Texas, United States
Originally Posted By: floyd jane
Todd,

Another good one.

Your lyric "process" produces vivid, interesting phrases and lines. I like it.

The music is well put together and nicely balanced. I thought the accordion could have been slightly louder.

Good vocal. Beefy and warm.

As Ray says, there is a (early) Tom Waits-ness to this (a good thing) - though a much better vocal smile

Cool stuff.

fj


Hey, FJ. Thanks for giving my song a listen and for your kind words.

Yes, the translitic process can yield some interesting images and phrases. Sometimes they are jarring, but often they are nice and fresh and interesting. The trick is to smooth them out a bit with the revisions while not losing the immediacy and discovery they contribute to the song.

I'll give that a try--making the accordion louder--and see how it sounds. Thanks for that suggestion.

I'm happy you heard an early Tom Waits in my song. I really like him--his early stuff especially.

Thanks again! Cheers, Todd

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