Hi Todd,

There's a lot to like about these lyrics.

The most important thing to keep in mind when writing a song that's a personal gift is that there is much more songwriting freedom than aiming for something commercial. The only requirement in a song for someone special is that its music and lyrics have meaning for the person to whom its being given. When that's accomplished, the song has completely fulfilled its role. Thus, if what I say below detracts from that meaning that's understood between you and your wife, please ignore it.

A couple of points that stood out to me were ...

One
In the chorus, when I read the 5th line, "Leaving me now would make everything right", it sounded like the singer is saying that leaving now is the the best option. This caused a contradiction in my mind when the 6th line appeared. I suspect there's and unvoiced "You said" that precedes line 5.

If this is so, have you tried something like "You wanted to leave and make everything right" or "You packed and left to make everything right", etc.

Two
In the line "I cried to the sun and the stars and the walls", after following something as grand as "sun" and "stars", the concept of "walls" lacked punch to my ears. In terms of rhetoric, this would be called a list that's presented in anticlimactic order. Although, "walls" is a useful internal rhyme for with "call", it's not really needed as an end-of-line rhyme.

For this reason, it might be worth trying assembling a list of items in climactic order; something like, "I cried to the sky, to the sun and the stars" or even to add another action in the line with something like "I sat and cried to the sun and the stars" or maybe "I cried and cried to the sun and the stars". It's also possible to 'dress-up' the action of crying with something like "I silently cried to the sun and the stars", etc.

These are just some thoughts. Hopefully they'll inspire you in some way. I stand by what I said, though, there's a lot to like about these lyrics and please feel free to ignore everything I've said I have no doubt that this song will be very much appreciated by your wife.

All the best,
Noel

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