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I replied to the post in the related thread but I wanted to be sure to get some input so thank you in advance.
I too have written my first song. Its important to me because my wife has been asking me to write a song for her for a long time. Her birthday is coming up and I would like to complete this and record it for her. I think I have a pretty good personal story and it seemed to come together fairly nicely. I would appreciate any and all comments.
The tune will be in straight 6/8 (rock feel) at around 120 BPM. Heavy accent on the 4th beat especially in the chorus's. Thinking kind of a Rascal Flatts feel as they have some nice songs in this time signature.
Here it is:
Beg you to stay
I stood by the bed unbelieving
As you silently gathered my clothes
I didn't know our nights together
Would suddenly turned to alone, so alone
I built all of my plans around you
But you didn’t know who I was
Right there beside you, feel all that’s inside you
Had nothing to give but my love, just my love
My heart turned to ashes as you drove away
I stood there in silence with something to say
But the look in your eyes told me words wouldn’t help me today
Your fears were tearing you out of my life
Leaving me now would make everything right
But everything in me just wanted to beg you to stay, beg you to stay
Hours turned to days after you drove away
It kills me to know you’re a phone call away
I cried to the sun and the stars and the walls
But nothing helped fade you away, far away
My heart turned to ashes as you drove away
I stood there in silence with something to say
But the look in your eyes told me words wouldn’t help me today
Your fears were tearing you out of my life
Leaving me now would make everything right
But everything in me just told me to beg you to stay, please stay
Then I saw you that day from far down the hall
And I knew by the look in your eyes
That our love was something you could not deny
And you found the courage to fly, just fly
I rose from the ashes when you drove back that day
I stood there in silence with no words to say
But the look in your eyes told me words just weren’t needed today
Our love was bringing you back to my life
Coming back now would make everything right
Then there in the rain I said baby I beg you to stay
I rose from the ashes when you drove back that day
I stood there in silence with no words to say
But the look in your eyes told me words just weren’t needed today
Our love was bringing you back to my life
Coming back now would make everything right
Then there in the rain I said baby I beg you to stay…please stay
Todd
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Hi Todd, There's a lot to like about these lyrics. The most important thing to keep in mind when writing a song that's a personal gift is that there is much more songwriting freedom than aiming for something commercial. The only requirement in a song for someone special is that its music and lyrics have meaning for the person to whom its being given. When that's accomplished, the song has completely fulfilled its role. Thus, if what I say below detracts from that meaning that's understood between you and your wife, please ignore it. A couple of points that stood out to me were ... OneIn the chorus, when I read the 5th line, "Leaving me now would make everything right", it sounded like the singer is saying that leaving now is the the best option. This caused a contradiction in my mind when the 6th line appeared. I suspect there's and unvoiced "You said" that precedes line 5. If this is so, have you tried something like "You wanted to leave and make everything right" or "You packed and left to make everything right", etc. TwoIn the line "I cried to the sun and the stars and the walls", after following something as grand as "sun" and "stars", the concept of "walls" lacked punch to my ears. In terms of rhetoric, this would be called a list that's presented in anticlimactic order. Although, "walls" is a useful internal rhyme for with "call", it's not really needed as an end-of-line rhyme. For this reason, it might be worth trying assembling a list of items in climactic order; something like, "I cried to the sky, to the sun and the stars" or even to add another action in the line with something like "I sat and cried to the sun and the stars" or maybe "I cried and cried to the sun and the stars". It's also possible to 'dress-up' the action of crying with something like "I silently cried to the sun and the stars", etc. These are just some thoughts. Hopefully they'll inspire you in some way. I stand by what I said, though, there's a lot to like about these lyrics and please feel free to ignore everything I've said  I have no doubt that this song will be very much appreciated by your wife. All the best, Noel
MY SONGS...Audiophile BIAB 2026
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No more comments? I sure would appreciate other opinions. Otherwise I'll just think it is the greatest song ever and go on down the road.....
Todd
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I would consider joining a lyric/song peer to peer critiquing forum (like Just Plain Folks or Muse's Muse) if you want lyrics looked at and commented on. I am not sure how much traction you will get here.
Last edited by Kemmrich; 08/31/12 10:31 AM.
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Thanks Kevin! I was not aware there were such websites.
And sorry to the group for posting this request here.
Todd
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Hi Todd.
I think you just picked a slow day - I'd have thought you'd get a much bigger response from all the songwriters here.
I think Noel's got it about right. There's a lot of good points about the song, but always in the context of it being personal, rather than commercial. With any song like this, the delivery of the vocal performance is going to make all the difference. With so much emotion in the lyrics, it's going to have to come through in the voice to get the maximum impact. Not easy to do when you're just standing in front of a mic with headphones on!
ROG.
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Well, I will venture to wade in with a few comments: Songwriting and then public review of the songs can feel alot more 'naked' than simply playing others' music. It can be kind of uncomfortable until you get used to it. I hear myself and my lyrics when I read through yours. Some of what I have learned from putting up songs/lyrics amongst some other writers that I respect are that my lyrics always try to cram too many syllables into a line. I see that in some of these lines, but it is hard to judge this without the rhythm and meter with which they will be delivered. As one of my co-workers states regarding when I submit copy that has to get boiled down into marketing materials: "Never miss an opportunity to delete words when words aren't needed". He's a photographer and a good one at that. With that said, there are a couple of lines where it seems like 'filler' words were added and could be removed. For example: "But the look in your eyes told me words just weren’t needed today" the word 'just' seems extra. Same thing in this line: 'But everything in me just told me to beg you to stay, please stay'. "Then I saw you that day from far down the hall", consider removing 'Then'. Also consider deleting 'from', using a pause instead. "As you silently gathered my clothes", 'as' could easily be removed, giving a little more drama to the pair of lines. I did this, you did that. Finally, you use the word 'But' many times to open up lines of verse. I read through where I skipped that word, and I can't count one instance where the word was necessary to communicate the message of the line. Also, I agree with most of the above comments, and I strongly encourage you to do what Kemmrich suggested and if possible find a local songwriting group to join - where you can see people's faces as they talk about your songs/lyrics. It's much better to do this live than via asynchronous communication like in this forum. I will invite you to the February Album Writing Month challenge at www.fawm.org, where there's a global community of like-minded songwriters (mostly amateurs) doing something just slightly insane - writing 14 songs in the month of February. There's a great spirit of community as we all write profusely, with the goal of sheer quantity pulling some brilliant moments out of each of us along the way. There's a very active forum that goes along with the insanity where you can get all the lyric critique you can handle in such a short time, where the average time you have to write a song is 2 days. It's a great thing to make the dismal month of February (at least in the northern hemisphere) pass by very quickly. Keep writing. Writing lyrics takes practice like learning an instrument. You are honing a skill. There's no right or wrong way, but find the way that is enjoyable to you. -Scott
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Thanks Scott. I am truly grateful to all of you who have taken the time to give me your feedback.
I have followed the suggestion to post this lyric on jpfolks website and have gotten many good responses and a lot of great feedback.
Todd
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The biggest thing here is that this is YOUR story to tell and you know how it is supposed to sound. A preposition or adverb here or there may seem like clutter to a reviewer but be critical to you as the story teller.
You have the freedom to tell your story any way you want to. Ain't Amercia great???
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Quote:
ts important to me because my wife has been asking me to write a song for her for a long time.
I saw that, and figured I wasn't going to touch it with a 10 foot pole.
The way I figure it, something that personal is probably better with warts and problems than something polished that's been worked on by someone else.
YMMV.
-- David Cuny My virtual singer development blogVocal control, you say. Never heard of it. Is that some kind of ProTools thing?BiaB 2025 | Windows 11 | Reaper | Way too many VSTis.
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Quote:
...I have followed the suggestion to post this lyric on jpfolks website and have gotten many good responses and a lot of great feedback. -- LoveGuitar
Just remember it is a community over there (just like here). The proper etiquette is to also comment on other writers' songs (no matter how "qualified" you feel you are to critique).. The more you give, the more you get.
Edit: By critiquing others work, you start to analyze what works and what doesn't. It begins to lead to the improvement of your own writings.
Last edited by Kemmrich; 09/05/12 04:46 AM.
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Quote:
The biggest thing here is that this is YOUR story to tell and you know how it is supposed to sound. A preposition or adverb here or there may seem like clutter to a reviewer but be critical to you as the story teller.
Ha, ha -- follow this advice at your own peril.
Quote:
A designer knows he has achieved perfection
not when there is nothing left to add,
but when there is nothing left to take away. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
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Great comment Kevin. I hadn't thought about that mainly because as you said I do not feel qualified to critique the work of those talented songwriters.
Todd
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When I made my suggestions to CONSIDER removing prepositions, that was what it was - suggestions to consider. Read/sing through without. If it still flows and has the intended meaning, then it might be worth removing them. My suggestions come from others looking at my lyrics in the past and making similar suggestions. In almost every case, the editor's suggestions for deletion improved the flow and raised the impact of the line(s). Here's an example of what I recall from one of my songs, "View from Mulholland" Final version of the first verse ( I think - I recorded this song back in 2005 and it was one of the first where I had gone in front of an editor(s) to critique the lyrics): "Above the City of Angels on this ribbon I ride, The Golden Web of Edison stretched long on every side. Looking sideways at the stars and jeweled threads hanging in the air, I pause to think what You must feel and if I really care." Pre-edit (if I recall correctly - it's been many years since I wrote that song): "Above the City of Angels on a asphalt ribbon that I ride A Golden Web of Edison is cast long out to every side. I'm looking sideways at the stars and some jeweled threads hanging in the air, I pause to think of what You must feel and if I can really care." The words that have been removed/replaced were described to me at that time by somebody as 'tripping stones', messing with the lyrical flow and didn't add necessarily to the meaning. In some cases, the lines are now more vague - leaving more to the imagination of the listener. Sometimes becoming more vague can have greater impact, sometimes not. This song might only resonate with people that have driven Mulholland Drive up on the ridge of the Hollywood Hills in LA area at night. Even then, the thoughts that were part of my first time in LA environs were all centered on the thronging mass of humanity from all far flung corners of the earth that have chosen or had it chosen for them to make Los Angeles their home; AND if God does exist, how does he know each and every one of us/them? Making more vague references rather than a direct statement of detailed thought - including the removal of some object words, prepositions, etc. hopefully opens the lyrics up to contemplation more than stating directly what my thoughts were which were this: I'm driving on Mulholland drive in the Hollywood Hills. I can see lights in a grid for many miles in both directions. I'm at a high enough elevation that I don't have to look up to see the stars - I can look 'across' and see stars in the distance, both real stars in the sky, and probably the homes of some media stars below. I can see a line of airplanes coming in to and leaving LAX that looks like a moving thread with jewels hanging off the thread, suspended and moving in space. How the heck does God keep track of all these people? Would I care to keep track of even one of them? If you want to take a listen to that song, I'm pretty sure it's on my SoundCloud page. It's a spacey-reverby-delayed thing with very little rhythmic background. It's also available here, with the lyrics as sung in the song and a production technique description - I wanted to share that part of how the song was created because I learned how to get the spacey sound just prior to writing that song from a guy that I've never met, but have collaborated with many times over the past 10 years. I owe him quite a bit for helping me release my inner 'Eno'. http://rockstarnot.rekkerd.org/vfmstory.html
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One way to add excitement to any piece of writing, whether it be a song or a novel is to use action words (usually ending in "ing") rather than past tense or passive words.
An example would be replacing "I stood" with "standing" or "I did" with "doing"
Those types of words can help add "animation" to the image and more life or excitement to the song.
You can use this even when describing a past situation by setting it up as a memory in the beginning of the song then treating the rest as a present, active situation.
Just a thought.
No wait,
Just thinking!
Carkins
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I have taken some of these great suggestions and they really make my song shine! Can't wait to have that great melody come to me and get this song recorded.
Todd
Todd
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