Floyd.... I don't have any suggestions right off the top of my head for a rewrite of the lyric on this. To rewrite a song can be a major project, since it may alter the song in other ways....at least it does on many of my rewrites.

One thing that I struggle with in my writing is the rhymes. as in, making them good, unique, and not predictable or boring. To me, the perfect rhyme is one that fits like a natural BUT, you didn't see it coming until you're right on it.

We all know that there needs to be rhymes in certain places.... although more and more I'm seeing exceptions to this "hard and fast rule" rise to the top of the country charts. So when I'm looking for rhymes I am seeking more often, to use unpredictable rhymes.

It's when the rhymes are too predictable that the song ventures into the corny or sappy side of things. I did not mean to infer that your writing was not good, heck that's a great country song idea and you wrote about it well.

When I do a rewrite of things in my songs I tend to use the rhyme points as the basis for the changes. This often means rewriting at least 2 complete lines especially if I change the rhyme completely. Often I find that to be the only way to "break the pattern".

There are times when I can find a new and unique rhyme for the first or second half of a given rhyme pair, that fits perfectly and completes the idea as well without sounding like it was the proverbial square peg hammered into the round hole.

Some writers use rhyming dictionaries to find words, and while I have several, I use a program called MasterWriter which I purchased many years ago. It allows me to type the word I think I want to use and rhyme, and it shows in some cases over 40 pages of words that rhyme, as well as many pages of phrases that rhyme. (the path of least resistance) Many of the phrases are cliche's and of course, you want to avoid those like the plague as well, but often something there will spark an idea that takes me to a new direction for the line I'm looking.

I often "print" a rough version of a song to MP3 and listen to it repeatedly. By doing this, the corny, boring, trite, poorly written parts will stick out to me and I let my subconscious work on that problem for a few days. When I set down to write or rewrite, sometimes the new, better part comes easy and sometimes I have to dig it out with my bare fingernails.... each time is different in some aspect. If I'm writing with someone else, I will send a note telling them I don't like such and such line(s) and lets write something new in that place. Another person's POV, when focused on one trouble spot will get a totally new thought process happening.

So... without actually digging in to do a rewrite, this is as close as I can come at this point, by telling you what I look for and to some extent, how I write and then do rewrites.

It's a zen thing.... in the moment....one of those things as you know that you often just have to be there to experience.... just one of the joys of being a songwriter.

You can find my music at:
www.herbhartley.com
Add nothing that adds nothing to the music.
You can make excuses or you can make progress but not both.

The magic you are looking for is in the work you are avoiding.