PG Music Home Forums General Discussion Off-Topic Proof reading my lyrics, please!

Could anyone please help me with these lyrics?


My dear friend I miss you, do you feel the same way too
I’ve been sad without you, please now tell me, you’ve been true
I’m longing for your kisses, but it seems like I’m a fool
I must have waited much too long, can’t help it, you’re so cool.
The air is thick with rumours, my darling I’ve been told
That you’ve been seen around with someone else, her hand you hold
Right now I think, I’ve had enough, I’m leaving for a while
I don’t know when I’m back again I hope it’s with a smile.

You went out last Sunday, to the baker’s, for some bread
I was making coffee fast, then I went back to bed
Now it’s Friday morning, and you have not turned up yet
The coffee has got cold, my dear, and I am very fret.
When you will be home I’m sure, I’m very far away
Cos I don’t wanna be that girl, with whom you only play
I’m leaving for vacation, 10 o’clock I’m in the air
I don’t know when I’m back again I hope you’ll still be there.

Sit down and relax now, just enjoy it, don’t feel pain
Think about how funny, it will be for me in Spain
Remember all the flowers, they’ll need some water now
And there are lots of bills to pay, I’m sure you will know how.
I’ve been sitting here alone, without your lovely face
But maybe you are searching for, someone to take my place
I’m leaving for vacation, while you still have much to do
I don’t know when I’m back again will I remember you?

Hectameter -> Septameter

Hectameter -> Septameter

Septameter -> Septameter

and then,

Eight followed by Seven

Must analyze as poetry and not music lyrics when presented in this fashion, possibly can make sense depending upon rhythmic and melodic values of the music that we cannot hear.

Also, the rhyming here is good, but rather simple.

you -> you
too -> true

kisses -> long ??
fool -> cool

rumours -> else
told -> hold

A good thing I'd recommend you do -- obtain some books or copies of the great English poets and start reading and studying same. Today, you might be able to find a whole lot of these for free via internet search engines, there are also public libraries as well as book stores, etc.

There are also books available that list just the lyrics of great English popular songs, some with in-depth analysis. "If it worked once, it can work again." With appropriate changes, of course.

Don't get discouraged, either. Keep writing. This is how we learn the craft.


--Mac

Hi Mac!

Thanks for your analysis, what I would like to know is "and I am very fret" is that ok, or is it "I'm on a fret" Things like that. Is there places in the text where you would say: " this would an English speaking person never say!

Strat

I have never heard the term, especially in music, I am very fret, or I am on fret. My personal opinion would be to try to tell the story with less verbiage, i.e. condense/cut back on the words and still get the same meaning.

There are other phrases I just can't get my head around for instance . . . "Sit down and relax now, just enjoy it, don’t feel pain" and "Think about how funny, it will be for me in Spain". I understand she is the one who left, so it seems to me she is not feeling any pain and if you are hurting so bad how can it be "funny" for you in Spain?

Another . . . "I’m leaving for vacation, while you still have much to do, I don’t know when I’m back again will I remember you?" I am getting a very heartfelt sad feeling on your part because she left, you don't know where she is, and you want her back, so how can you forget her that quickly or is there someone one in Spain taking her place?

Could be just me but I am not getting the story, of course when heard with music it might all make better sense to me.

Stick with it as it seems you do have a story to be told here.

Later,

The problem in this example is one of tense.

"I am very fret" is in the present tense and that is not accepted English usage.

"I am very fretted" on the other hand, placing the predicate in the past tense, would be correct and acceptable/understandable usage.

Even then, I doubt whether such usage is going to be all that acceptable to modern users of the language, it has the sound and feel of writings from another long past timeframe.


--Mac

.
In my opinion your words need a lot more than proofreading. Your English is correct, and yet not what we call "idiomatic." You have put words together in a way that may be correct according to the Berlitz textbook, and yet they do not reflect the way that native English speakers really talk.

For example, "Cos I don’t wanna be that girl, with whom you only play..." Your use of the phrase "with whom" is technically correct, but it sounds odd because this phrase is not used anymore in regular speech - certainly not in the kind of speech that boyfriends and girlfriends use with each other.

More generally, these lyrics are too complex and detailed to be catchy. Decide on a single theme, express it cleverly and briefly. Then stick to it. The whole part of the story about going on vacation can be left out, for instance.

I have sent you a PM. Check your mailbox.

.
>>>...what I would like to know is "and I am very fret" is that ok, or is it "I'm on a fret" ...>>>


"Fret" in this context is a verb. "I am very fret" uses the word as a adjective and is incorrect. If you are referring to an emotion you might say "I am fretting." That is the correct usage, but it is weak. To 'fret' refers to a mild sense of anxiety or worry. Should I put one carrot in the soup, or two? The emotion of fretting is pretty lightweight. The word does not convey strong feeling.

Also, the word 'very' is better left out. Develop your vocabulary so that 'very' becomes unnecessary.

Hi Guys!

Now you're talking, this is exactly the answers I'm looking for, what would an English speaking person find odd? This is a pop song and was never meant profound (if that is the Word) so I'm only glad to be corrected! :-)

This is solely my opinion and therefore you should read this with that knowledge. I'm offering advice, as I see it.... I do not intend to insult or blow smoke and I call it like I see it...

If this is for a song..... there's lots of work to do.... if it's not for a song it's probably OK.

For a song.... it's too long...condense it down to 4 lines or so per verse especially since the lines are all two part lines.

there should always be a chorus (99% of the time) that is different and gets repeated. Different melody and energy level, and perhaps even a new chord prog.

Don't use cliche's and please speak in normal everyday English. Leave the stuff out that no one knows (inside jokes and information) and use words in the same way you normally speak.

Example: When you will be home I’m sure, I’m very far away (WHAT?)
Cos I don’t wanna be that girl, with whom you only play

Confusing first line... and the second part is not how people normally would talk.

In the 3rd stanza, you repeat things already said. In a song, except for the chorus, it's not a good idea to repeat ideas or words that came earlier in the song. You mentioned you're going on vacation 2 x.....

Use the method for writing a theme paper you learned in school.... outline the idea by writing the outline on a sheet of paper.

Verse 1 introduce the issue, character, problem.
Verse 2 explain it a bit in detail and why, how, when....
Chorus connect the dots for the listener...
Verse 3 the aftermath Chorus now can shed a new insight due to V3....
A bridge would take it in a different direction totally lyrically and musically and is the prefect place to put a twist on the story or introduce a new character or concept. Use a bridge only if it is necessary.

Just an example for you.... ^^^^^^

Don't repeat,(did I say that already?) but do condense it down to the essence so the story can be told and understood by any listener on the first time through.

Try to think of the song and story as a 3 minute video score.

My take: Who is this person? are they a friend or more than a friend, sounds like they may be but not really sure (lover?) .... they left and didn't come back.... do they live there or not? Sounds like a love affair break up but not really sure.... and with all this you're still going on vacation and expect them to take care of your flowers and pay the bills?

Lots of questions and issues to resolve here.

However, don't take this as a slam.... it's certainly not. DO have a look at this and if the goal is to write a song, read the advice of others and what I said and use this as a draft ... so to speak.... something to build upon. The secret to a good song or a good poem or a good book is in the work done in the rewriting stage.... not the first draft. Not many of the songs I write are first draft done style songs. Most of them are 6th to 8th generation rewrites before they are released for people to hear. The final song generally doesn't even resemble the original draft of the lyrics in many cases. I have even changed titles half way through a writing session.... Perhaps ask someone here (via PM) if they would be willing to help you write this.... many of the songs I consider to be my better writes involve another writer.... so co-write....

Just an idea for a rewrite........ don't be such a patsy pushover asking why....

OK so you left? GOOD...and good riddance to you... don't come crawling back to me cause the door isn't open and the locks will be changed.... write a strong song.... hell yeah, don't let that screen door hit you in the a$$.... kick it up a notch.... I didn't need your lazy no good two timing lying ways around here anyway....

See what I mean?


This is only my opinion.... and you know what they say about those....

Now go write it again and make it better.

Thanks a lot, guitarhacker, you gave me some good directions :-)
I'll Work on it

Strat

Here is a link to a primitive sketch of the song, just so you get the idea, please don't be too harsh, it's just one early sketch :-)

https://soundcloud.com/kierbye1/sang-8-1

Strat