Originally Posted By: nevnbron
This is a faithful description of an all-too-common condition - I too knew some-one. It's too good to let go by without a word or two about the metre and phrasing. It feels to me as though you settled too hurriedly on the way it scans, shoe-horning the lyric to fit where it doesn't quite feel comfortable, which then draws the listener away from the very deep message. Maybe re-visit the lyric also with this in mind - just as a suggestion, ignore if you wish - in the first line where you write 'down in your mind'- try " 'round, inside your mind' (which also works better I think with the idea of spinning a web) and adjust/shorten/squeeze the delivery to fit the metre - a couple of things like that. I reckon the BPM is perfect and the track is gorgeously sensitive with a great feel of mystery and pathos - you did very well there = warm regards, Nev

Hi Nev, thanks for listening and your detailed critique of the lyrics, I appreciate you taking the time.

"Crawling through" or "crawling around" were indeed considerations I made, but I liked the creepy image of "crawling down" better.
The important thing (to me) is that it's not "crawling down IN your mind", it's just "crawling down your mind".
Completely different surreal image.
But I'll keep your suggestions in mind. Thanks a lot!

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