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Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 3,079
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Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 3,079 |
A man goes to the doctor and the doc tells him to take all his clothes of and stand in front of the window with his tongue out. The man does it but asks why. The doc says because I hate the bloke that lives opposite.
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,258
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,258 |
Did you hear about the Irish ( Polish ) woodworm ? they found it in a brick
Irish have a new invention. A waterproof tea-bag
Hear about the Irish Kamikazi pilot ? He's just returned from his 50th mission
Did you hear about the Irish fly fisherman ? He caught a 10lb bluebottle
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 317
Journeyman
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Journeyman
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 317 |
Don, regarding clean jokes. Check out the Readers Digest "Laughter The Best Medicine". It is in paperback and contains over 600 jokes, gags, and laugh lines for all occaisions. It it great because some of the jokes can easily be made a little risque' but still in good taste. I have the 1999 edition (second hand book store$2.00)and what I did was type a particular joke in the memo section of the song I was going to play and made it part of my program, Its ISBN number is 0-89577-977-3. DennisD
There are only 3 kinds of musicians: those that can count, and those that can't!
PC AMD A4-5300 APU 3.4 GHz, 8gb RAM, 1T HDD, Windows 10,
Reaper 4.77, BIAB2018, PTPA12, RB2018, Roland VS-880 DAW
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 7,913
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 7,913 |
Don,
I'm sure you're young enough to know Henny Youngman. Most of his were clean.
Take my wife,
please!
-Scott
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,258
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,258 |
During a recent password audit, it was found that a
blonde employee was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy" Edinburgh "
When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 589
Journeyman
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Journeyman
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 589 |
a irishman scotsman englishman and a welshman were captured by the germans and put on a plane.they were each told they could have one request before leaping out of the plane.The irishman said he'd like to sing the national anthem and then leapt out of the plane.The scotsman said the same and also leapt out of the plane and when it came to the welshman he asked them to shoot the englishman before he sang the national anthem then he leapt out of the plane
AMD Athlon 7550 dual core
processor 2.51 ghz
1 87 gb ram
windows 7 Ultimate
yamaha rev 500 effects
tacam DP-24 DAW
Samson Resolv NF monitors
Yamaha PSR-620 Keyboard
Fender semi accoustic guitar
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Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 238
Apprentice
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Apprentice
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 238 |
I found a solution for my baldness: "Preparation H". It doesn't make hair grow, but it would shrink my head so the hair on the sides can cover the top.
Booboom!
2008 Gibson ES-339 Custom & 2010 Les Paul Traditional. Fender SCXD Amp
BIAB/RB 2015 UltraPAK + Ketron SD2
Windows 7/64 Intel i5 3550 PC, Tascam USB144MKII
Behringer X1204 Mixer
Bose Companion 3 and/or L1 II w/T1 + SM58 MIC
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 79
Enthusiast
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Enthusiast
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 79 |
Patient: "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam! Doc, what's wrong with me?!?"
Psychiatrist: "You're two tents."
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,610
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,610 |
Quote:
Patient: "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam! Doc, what's wrong with me?!?"
Psychiatrist: "You're two tents."
LOL - good one!!!
Cheers, Mike My Music * Asus ROG Strix G15CF 32 GB DDR4 4TB HDD + 1 TB SSD NVIDIA GeForce RTX 3060 8GB Win 11 AKAI EIE PRO Sound Interface. BIAB/RB 2024 UltraPak Build - Latest
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OP
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Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 8,987 |
nurse to new patient: "just press the call button if you don't want to be disturbed for an hour or so."
john conley, the patient, was improving until he took a turn for the nurse.
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Joined: Dec 2007
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My father was a magician..... he could walk down the street and turn into a pub. 
Cheers,
Keith
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Posts: 2,444
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 2,444 |
A drunk stumbled out of a bar and saw his mother-in-law walking down the street with a duck under her arm.
"Hey", he said, "Where did you get the pig?"
She replied "You're drunk... it's not a pig.... it's a duck "
He replied "Shut up... I was talking to the duck"
Cheers,
Keith
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Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 8,987
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OP
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Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 8,987 |
keith, then you're a fellow irishman!? lol
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Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 8,987
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OP
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Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 8,987 |
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 8,333
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During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.” The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”
Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”
“I would say, ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’”
The teacher fainted…
John Conley
Musica est vita
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 8,333
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You'd never want to discuss the nurses with me...Mom was, the ex wife was, and at least 20 g/f's were. I used to date the entire nursing school. It was close to my house and there were 200 of them. Show up on Friday at 4 with Dad's car out front of the Nursing Residence and fill up the car, off to the Roller Rink, a drive in restaurant after. Like shootin' fish in a Barrel.
If you can't get a date, get a nurse.
The rest I can't tell here...LOL.
John Conley
Musica est vita
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1) One day a man arrived home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up" she purred, "and you can do anything you want". So he tied her up and went gofing.
2) Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other person is the husband.
3) A woman came home, screeching her car into the garage and ran into the house. She shouted on the top of her lungs "Honey, I won the lottery, pack your bags.I won the lottery". The husband said "Oh my god, what should I pack, where are we going? Mountain or Beach, cold or warm?". "Doesnt matter", she said, "Just get out"
Cheers,
Keith
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Joined: May 2000
Posts: 22,179
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Joined: May 2000
Posts: 22,179 |
No man is complete until he is married
..then he's finished.
I do not work here, but the benefits are still awesome
Make your sound your own!
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Posts: 2,444
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 2,444 |
It's a three ring circus.... engagement RING, wedding RING, and suffeRING
Cheers,
Keith
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,439
Expert
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Expert
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,439 |
Two word for a perfect marriage (Husband speaking): "Yes dear".
--=-- My credo: If it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing - just ask my missus, she'll tell ya  --=--You're only paranoid if you're wrong!
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Ask sales and support questions about Band-in-a-Box using natural language.
ChatPG's knowledge base includes the full Band-in-a-Box User Manual and sales information from the website.
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New RealTracks Released with Band-in-a-Box 2025!
We’ve expanded the Band-in-a-Box® RealTracks library with 202 incredible new RealTracks (in sets 449-467) across Jazz, Blues, Funk, World, Pop, Rock, Country, Americana, and Praise & Worship—featuring your most requested styles!
Jazz, Blues & World (Sets 449–455):
These RealTracks includes “Soul Jazz” with Neil Swainson (bass), Mike Clark (drums), Charles Treadway (organ), Miles Black (piano), and Brent Mason (guitar). Enjoy “Requested ’60s” jazz, classic acoustic blues with Colin Linden, and more of our popular 2-handed piano soloing. Plus, a RealTracks first—Tango with bandoneon, recorded in Argentina!
Rock & Pop (Sets 456–461):
This collection includes Disco, slap bass ‘70s/‘80s pop, modern and ‘80s metal with Andy Wood, and a unique “Songwriter Potpourri” featuring Chinese folk instruments, piano, banjo, and more. You’ll also find a muted electric guitar style (a RealTracks first!) and “Producer Layered Guitar” styles for slick "produced" sound.
Country, Americana & Praise (Sets 462–467):
We’ve added new RealTracks across bro country, Americana, praise & worship, vintage country, and songwriter piano. Highlights include Brent Mason (electric guitar), Eddie Bayers (drums), Doug Jernigan (pedal steel), John Jarvis (piano), Glen Duncan (banjo, mandolin & fiddle), Mike Harrison (electric bass) and more—offering everything from modern sounds to heartfelt Americana styles
Check out all the 202 New RealTracks (in sets 456-467)
And, if you are looking for more, the 2025 49-PAK (for $49) includes an additional 20 RealTracks with exciting new sounds and genre-spanning styles. Enjoy RealTracks firsts like Chinese instruments (guzheng & dizi), the bandoneon in an authentic Argentine tango trio, and the classic “tic-tac” baritone guitar for vintage country.
You’ll also get slick ’80s metal guitar from Andy Wood, modern metal with guitarist Nico Santora, bass player Nick Schendzielos, and drummer Aaron Stechauner, more praise & worship, indie-folk, modern/bro country with Brent Mason, and “Songwriter Americana” with Johnny Hiland.
Plus, enjoy user-requested styles like Soul Jazz RealDrums, fast Celtic Strathspey guitar, and Chill Hop piano & drums!
The 2025 49-PAK is loaded with other great new add-ons as well. Learn more about the 2025 49-PAK!
Bonus PAKs for Band-in-a-Box 2025 for Mac!
With your version 2025 for Mac Pro, MegaPAK, UltraPAK, UltraPAK+, Audiophile Edition or PlusPAK purchase, we'll include a Bonus PAK full of great new Add-ons FREE! Or upgrade to the 2025 49-PAK for only $49 to receive even more NEW Add-ons including 20 additional RealTracks!
These PAKs are loaded with additional add-ons to supercharge your Band-in-a-Box®!
This Free Bonus PAK includes:
- The 2025 RealCombos Booster PAK:
-For Pro customers, this includes 33 new RealTracks and 65+ new RealStyles.
-For MegaPAK customers, this includes 29 new RealTracks and 45+ new RealStyles.
-For UltraPAK customers, this includes 20 new RealStyles.
- Look Ma! More MIDI 13: Country & Americana
- Instrumental Studies Set 22: 2-Hand Piano Soloing - Rhythm Changes
- MIDI SuperTracks Set 44: Jazz Piano
- Artist Performance Set 17: Songs with Vocals 7
- Playable RealTracks Set 4
- RealDrums Stems Set 7: Jazz with Mike Clark
- SynthMaster Sounds and Styles (with audio demos)
- 128 GM MIDI Patch Audio Demos.
Looking for more great add-ons, then upgrade to the 2025 49-PAK for just $49 and you'll get:
- 20 Bonus Unreleased RealTracks and RealDrums with 20 RealStyles,
- FLAC Files (lossless audio files) for the 20 Bonus Unreleased RealTracks and RealDrums
- Look Ma! More MIDI 14: SynthMaster,
- Instrumental Studies Set 23: More '80s Hard Rock Soloing,
- MIDI SuperTracks Set 45: More SynthMaster
- Artist Performance Set 18: Songs with Vocals 8
- RealDrums Stems Set 8: Pop, Funk & More with Jerry Roe
Learn more about the Bonus PAKs for Band-in-a-Box® 2025 for Mac®!
New! Xtra Styles PAK 20 for Band-in-a-Box 2025 and Higher for Mac!
Xtra Styles PAK 20 for Mac & Windows Band-in-a-Box version 2025 (and higher) is here with 200 brand new RealStyles!
We're excited to bring you our latest and greatest in the all new Xtra Styles PAK 20 for Band-in-a-Box! This fresh installment is packed with 200 all-new styles spanning the rock & pop, jazz, and country genres you've come to expect, as well as the exciting inclusion of electronic styles!
In this PAK you’ll discover: Minimalist Modern Funk, New Wave Synth Pop, Hard Bop Latin Groove, Gospel Country Shuffle, Cinematic Synthwave, '60s Motown, Funky Lo-Fi Bossa, Heavy 1980s Metal, Soft Muted 12-8 Folk, J-Pop Jazz Fusion, and many more!
All the Xtra Styles PAKs 1 - 20 are on special for only $29 each (reg $49), or get all 209 PAKs for $199 (reg $399)! Order now!
Learn more and listen to demos of the Xtra Styles PAK 20.
Video: Xtra Styles PAK 20 Overview & Styles Demos: Watch now!
Note: The Xtra Styles require the UltraPAK, UltraPAK+, or Audiophile Edition of Band-in-a-Box®. (Xtra Styles PAK 20 requires the 2025 or higher UltraPAK, UltraPAK+, or Audiophile Edition. They will not work with the Pro or MegaPAK version because they need the RealTracks from the UltraPAK, UltraPAK+, or Audiophile Edition.
New! XPro Styles PAK 9 for Band-in-a-Box 2025 and higher for Mac!
We've just released XPro Styles PAK 9 for Mac & Windows Band-in-a-Box version 2025 (and higher) with 100 brand new RealStyles, plus 29 RealTracks/RealDrums!
We've been hard at it to bring you the latest and greatest in this 9th installment of our popular XPro Styles PAK series! Included are 75 styles spanning the rock & pop, jazz, and country genres (25 styles each) that fans have come to expect, as well as 25 styles in this volume's wildcard genre: funk & R&B!
If you're itching to get a sneak peek at what's included in XPro Styles PAK 9, here is a small helping of what you can look forward to: Funky R&B Horns, Upbeat Celtic Rock, Jazz Fusion Salsa, Gentle Indie Folk, Cool '60s Soul, Funky '70s R&B, Smooth Jazz Hip Hop, Acoustic Rockabilly Swing, Funky Reggae Dub, Dreamy Retro Latin Jazz, Retro Soul-Rock Fusion, and much more!
Special Pricing! Until July 31, 2024, all the XPro Styles PAKs 1 - 9 are on sale for only $29 ea (Reg. $49 ea), or get them all in the XPro Styles PAK Bundle for only $149 (reg. $299)! Order now!
Learn more and listen to demos of XPro Styles PAKs.
Video: XPro Styles PAK 9 Overview & Styles Demos: Watch now!
XPro Styles PAKs require Band-in-a-Box® 2025 or higher and are compatible with ANY package, including the Pro, MegaPAK, UltraPAK, UltraPAK+, and Audiophile Edition.
New! Xtra Styles PAK 20 for Band-in-a-Box 2025 and Higher for Windows!
Xtra Styles PAK 20 for Windows & Mac Band-in-a-Box version 2025 (and higher) is here with 200 brand new RealStyles!
We're excited to bring you our latest and greatest in the all new Xtra Styles PAK 20 for Band-in-a-Box! This fresh installment is packed with 200 all-new styles spanning the rock & pop, jazz, and country genres you've come to expect, as well as the exciting inclusion of electronic styles!
In this PAK you’ll discover: Minimalist Modern Funk, New Wave Synth Pop, Hard Bop Latin Groove, Gospel Country Shuffle, Cinematic Synthwave, '60s Motown, Funky Lo-Fi Bossa, Heavy 1980s Metal, Soft Muted 12-8 Folk, J-Pop Jazz Fusion, and many more!
All the Xtra Styles PAKs 1 - 20 are on special for only $29 each (reg $49), or get all 209 PAKs for $199 (reg $399)! Order now!
Learn more and listen to demos of the Xtra Styles PAK 20.
Video: Xtra Styles PAK 20 Overview & Styles Demos: Watch now!
Note: The Xtra Styles require the UltraPAK, UltraPAK+, or Audiophile Edition of Band-in-a-Box®. (Xtra Styles PAK 20 requires the 2025 or higher UltraPAK, UltraPAK+, or Audiophile Edition. They will not work with the Pro or MegaPAK version because they need the RealTracks from the UltraPAK, UltraPAK+, or Audiophile Edition.
New! XPro Styles PAK 9 for Band-in-a-Box 2025 and higher for Windows!
We've just released XPro Styles PAK 9 for Windows & Mac Band-in-a-Box version 2025 (and higher) with 100 brand new RealStyles, plus 29 RealTracks/RealDrums!
We've been hard at it to bring you the latest and greatest in this 9th installment of our popular XPro Styles PAK series! Included are 75 styles spanning the rock & pop, jazz, and country genres (25 styles each) that fans have come to expect, as well as 25 styles in this volume's wildcard genre: funk & R&B!
If you're itching to get a sneak peek at what's included in XPro Styles PAK 9, here is a small helping of what you can look forward to: Funky R&B Horns, Upbeat Celtic Rock, Jazz Fusion Salsa, Gentle Indie Folk, Cool '60s Soul, Funky '70s R&B, Smooth Jazz Hip Hop, Acoustic Rockabilly Swing, Funky Reggae Dub, Dreamy Retro Latin Jazz, Retro Soul-Rock Fusion, and much more!
Special Pricing! Until July 31, 2024, all the XPro Styles PAKs 1 - 9 are on sale for only $29 ea (Reg. $49 ea), or get them all in the XPro Styles PAK Bundle for only $149 (reg. $299)! Order now!
Learn more and listen to demos of XPro Styles PAKs.
Video: XPro Styles PAK 9 Overview & Styles Demos: Watch now!
XPro Styles PAKs require Band-in-a-Box® 2025 or higher and are compatible with ANY package, including the Pro, MegaPAK, UltraPAK, UltraPAK+, and Audiophile Edition.
Video: Band-in-a-Box® 2025 for Mac®: VST3 Plugin Support
Band-in-a-Box® 2025 for Mac® now includes support for VST3 plugins, alongside VST and AU. Use them with MIDI or audio tracks for even more creative possibilities in your music production.
Band-in-a-Box® 2025 for Macs®: VST3 Plugin Support
Video: Band-in-a-Box® 2025 for Mac®: Using VST3 Plugins
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